AIBU to feel weird about my exDH and my best friend?

[GooglePenguinBollardsIDareYou]

I left the family home a couple of months ago. We’re doing 50/50 with the kids while trying to sort out divorce plans, housing, and all the usual mess. My exDH doesn’t want to separate and keeps trying to convince me to come back. I’ve been clear I’m done.

My best friend of over 20 years has been pretty quiet through all this. She did offer for me to come stay at different points, but hasn’t really engaged as much as normal over the past few months. Last week I started opening more chat and sharing more and she responded more. We’ve been trying to find a time to meet, but it hasn’t worked out yet.

Then she messaged to say she’s been talking to exDH and they were planning to meet up for a drink. She told me the day before. I said I felt uncomfortable, not demanding she cancel, just said I felt weird that she and I hadn’t even managed to meet yet. She ended up cancelling the drink with him.
He got annoyed at me, saying he “just wanted to talk to another adult” and that it wasn’t about our situation, just general chat and support. I got upset—not because I want to control anything, but because I miss my friend and hadn’t even managed to see her myself. I’m not stopping them being friends, I just wanted to see her first.

Then I found out they’ve been messaging each other a lot more than she’s been messaging me. And the next day, exDH messaged to say he’d sorted it out—she was going to come see me on Wednesday, and he would drive her 30+ minutes to my house, drop her off, then go home. All very thoughtful, apparently.
They both seem to think it was a lovely gesture. But I think it’s weird. He’s still not responded to basic questions about his living plans or the kids’ setup post-transition, but he’s somehow got time to coordinate my social life?
They were always a bit overly friendly, but I never felt off about it until now. Now I can’t tell if I’m being suspicious or finally seeing something that was always there.

AIBU to feel this crosses a line and is just…odd?

Does your H have form for being controlling or playing games? Just I didn’t read it as them wanting to shag. My first thought, when you said about him just wanting to talk to another adult was he’s playing a game. Presumably he has friends and has other adults he can talk to but instead he’s honing in on your friendship group to make you question your best mate’s loyalty so you feel like you have no one in your corner and just to show you he can. That was just my take on it anyway.

Then I found out they’ve been messaging each other a lot more than she’s been messaging me. And the next day ExDH messaged to say he’d sorted it out—she was going to come see me on Wednesday, and he would drive her 30+ minutes to my house, drop her off, then go home…But I think it’s weird. He’s still not responded to basic questions about his living plans or the kids’ setup post-transition, but he’s somehow got time to coordinate my social life? They were always a bit overly friendly, but I never felt off about it until now.

I do have other friends but I was so sad over the last couple of months that I didn’t know why she was distant. Seems I might have found out why then.

Yes, @GooglePenguinBollardsIDareYou, while she has been distant with you in your time of need, she has been prioritizing him. They’ve been connecting and getting closer. In my view, this is an EA at the least, and things will likely be escalating between them.

He didn’t like her canceling their drinks date because you were unsettled that you haven’t seen her, so he is making sure that you have a visit so they can then resume their outings. They’ll be getting their stories straight on the way to your house. It is indeed telling that he is more invested in coordinating this
meet-up than he is in communicating about the arrangements for the children or providing you with crucial information.

Cancel the visit and drop her asap. As most everyone is saying, she is not your friend. Communicate with him via email only. They are both snakes, and I do wonder when their illicit relationship really began.

They were always a bit overly friendly, but I never felt off about it until now.

It sounds like they’ve been friends for a while and perhaps she sees him as more of a friend than you.

If they weren’t friends before and then she was doing this then I’d definitely think they had an ulterior motive.

The situation is key here though.

You left
Not saying you have but If you cheated and went off with an OM, leaving DH with the kids for example, then she is of course going to have more sympathy for him and want less to do with you.

Going against the grain, a bit. If she had been a good friend, I'd ask her if her DH is aware of the messages and how does he feel about her being dropped off etc. It might give her a reality check. I'm just wondering if your split has coincided with a really low dip in her marriage and your ex has taken advantage. I'm not saying stay friends, but I'd tell her how disappointed you are and what a fool she is being. Your ex still wants a window into your world and a foot in your door, she's giving him it. Unfortunately you'll have to drop her.

Is there a chance your ex has reached out to her and she feels awkward like she has to be his agony aunt. I did initially think maybe they would get together but if she's married surely her husband would not be happy unless it's just a friendship. Either way I wouldn't be happy she's your friend and should be there to support you. This would make me feel uncomfortable

It is odd, and as pps have said, it does seem like they are heading towards getting together if not already doing so. There is a slight chance that there is another explanation eg if her husband is in the process of leaving her, and you left your husband, they may have bonded over the common experience. But most likely not. One thing to consider is how you would feel if they get together. On one hand, if you left him he does have the right to move on. It is possible they are trying very hard to do the right thing and not meet up 'behind your back' because she does still value your friendship. On the other, it is your bf, and too soon and many people would not want to keep her (or him) as a friend. So it's worth thinking about how you feel, is it a friendship worth keeping, and how much of a betrayal would you see it as or can you view it as just part of moving on (albeit in unexpected ways). As another pp said, there could be advantages such as knowing who is looking after the kids.

God OP is she one of these women that capes for men usually? They often have a touch of internalised misogyny.

Super weird your best mate seems to be playing agony aunt here or worst case yes fancies him.

or maybe the friend, who must have known the husband for as many years as the OP (being friends for 20 years) has become friends with him, and is feeling sorry for him because he's the one who is being left?

People support the friend they think is struggling the most. Sadly the reaction of the other one might mean no one can say neutral, it's not comfortable being stuck between the 2, but it's not outrageous to support a friend who is being left by their spouse.

Your dh doing this does have some logic. If he wants you back then he could be doing this to make you jealous or maybe just because he’s sad and lonely and needs a shoulder to cry on.
But your friend…what is she thinking?! It’s utterly bizarre and if any of my friends pulled that crap I would be absolutely calling it out immediately. Have you not told her how inappropriate and weird it is?

You need to get real and have honest conversations with exh about what you both will tolerate for the next few years. Our family abided by what my sister felt most comfortable with; we went no contact with her ex.
Do you want exh to communicate with your parents, siblings, good friends and work mates as if you were still together?
Does exh want you to contact his siblings, best mates etc?
Will you still send birthday cards to SIL etc?
Most people nut out for themselves that it is disrespectful to keep close contact with an exe's best mates.

Spell out what you both want; respect each other's wishes.

If your girlfriend is causing you hurt, spell it out to her too..
Ask her to consider how she would feel if you were continually messageing her husband.

Urgh I had this when I separated, majority of our friends went to him. Even friends who I had known longer than him. He was such a smarmy git, told them his sob story. I was painted as the one who destroyed our marriage.

As a friend said to me (one who he didn't manage to charm into believing his version) there's always 3 sides, his, yours and the truth. Another friend at the time said "he comes out with all this stuff, all of which is your fault, he's never at fault".

If he's been talking to this friend you can guarantee he's been spinning her his version and she'll always be questioning whether you were at fault because you called time on your marriage.

Why? It's awful for the ex wife but if you fall for someone why deny it as they once were with someone else?

Even if the friend has no intentions towards your STBExH @GooglePenguinBollardsIDareYou she is still letting you down. Your best friend should be “Team GooglePenguin” and she simply isn’t. For that reason alone, I would take a massive step back. She has shown that you just can’t trust her in the way you need.

I'm sorry that your friend isn't there for you when you need her. You're not being unreasonable here, it's very soon after you split up with your DH and she seems to have swooped in on him.
Obviously, there's nothing you can do about that but it's a pretty shitty thing to do to a friend. And what a cheek, for him to get involved in 'bringing her to see you', that's not a kind gesture at all - it feels like he's drawing attention to the fact that she's more with him than you.

As a grown adult you can only “fall” for someone you spend time with. If you remove yourself from the situation there is no option to fall for anyone.

she shouldn’t be costing with him and she has a husband.

Friendship? Not wanting a messy, complicated bunk up? You know, basic decency. Maybe for the same reasons you wouldn’t date a relative’s ex?

Irrespective of whether they are becoming romantically involved, I would just step away from the pair of them. I would be totally disinterested in a "best friend" who was supporting my stb ex husband through the collapse of our marriage. No thanks.

I think the best thing you can do is just retreat with some dignity, no need for a stand-off or any conflict. Just stop calling and texting either of them, be unavailable when they call you, and only contact your ex on matters relating to the divorce or the children.

If he wants you back, he's got a funny way of showing it.

I would be clear that if she meets with him the friendship is over. It’s not ok. She is married fgs.

Yes, text her husband to say you are worried that all the texting and plans they have to meet up are dragging her into the mess of your break up.

She's a total snake.
Treat her like one.

Oh and share it with friends how friendly and supportive she has been to your husband when you haven't see her for dust.

Someone said in a previous post to protect yourself @GooglePenguinBollardsIDareYou

This is what you need to do now.

Protect yourself. Look after yourself.

You cannot control what they may or may not do, but you can control your own wellbeing.
It's so difficult when you have to still see each other dropping off/picking up the kids. Emotions are everywhere.
Don't give your 'friend' any more headspace whatsoever. She has already let you down in the most awful way.
It is one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Somehow you do come out of the other end.
I wish you all the best.

Mate. They’re at it.

presumably they have known each others for years.

They have done nothing wrong, it's the OP who is ending her marriage. Fair enough, but IF they are actually becoming closer, why not.

Your BFF isnt your friend, she's about to have an affair with you STBXH. .

She's never been your friend, if she's skulking round your STBXH, she's never been your friend.

A man doesn't search out a woman to have "just another adult to have a chat with", and that woman isn't ever the STBXW BFF.

Drop them both like a stone.

I think you have, take good care of you. Ditch them.

It maybe more nuanced:

1. he’s using her to try & talk you round
2. she thinks he’s been hard done by do is on his ‘side’
3. she has a saviour complex & is trying to ‘rescue’ him
4. it’s related to her relationship- maybe you leaving makes her feel bad that she can’t leave her relationship. And if you end up back with DH then her relationship has more chance of working.

Bottom line - she’s either your friend during this situation or his. She can’t support both of you. Call her & lay it on the line. Don’t end up in the situation where your friend is his flying monkey. 💐