AIBU to feel weird about my exDH and my best friend?

[GooglePenguinBollardsIDareYou]

I left the family home a couple of months ago. We’re doing 50/50 with the kids while trying to sort out divorce plans, housing, and all the usual mess. My exDH doesn’t want to separate and keeps trying to convince me to come back. I’ve been clear I’m done.

My best friend of over 20 years has been pretty quiet through all this. She did offer for me to come stay at different points, but hasn’t really engaged as much as normal over the past few months. Last week I started opening more chat and sharing more and she responded more. We’ve been trying to find a time to meet, but it hasn’t worked out yet.

Then she messaged to say she’s been talking to exDH and they were planning to meet up for a drink. She told me the day before. I said I felt uncomfortable, not demanding she cancel, just said I felt weird that she and I hadn’t even managed to meet yet. She ended up cancelling the drink with him.
He got annoyed at me, saying he “just wanted to talk to another adult” and that it wasn’t about our situation, just general chat and support. I got upset—not because I want to control anything, but because I miss my friend and hadn’t even managed to see her myself. I’m not stopping them being friends, I just wanted to see her first.

Then I found out they’ve been messaging each other a lot more than she’s been messaging me. And the next day, exDH messaged to say he’d sorted it out—she was going to come see me on Wednesday, and he would drive her 30+ minutes to my house, drop her off, then go home. All very thoughtful, apparently.
They both seem to think it was a lovely gesture. But I think it’s weird. He’s still not responded to basic questions about his living plans or the kids’ setup post-transition, but he’s somehow got time to coordinate my social life?
They were always a bit overly friendly, but I never felt off about it until now. Now I can’t tell if I’m being suspicious or finally seeing something that was always there.

AIBU to feel this crosses a line and is just…odd?

She's not your friend. I wouldn't see her or tell her anything you don't want your ex to know. She's not to be trusted.

Hasn't stopped anyone before. She was just waiting for yours to become available... leave them to it since you don't want him anymore. But don't confide in her- it will go straight to exh.

Every word you say will be fed back to him. Be very careful what you say in front of her.

With everyone else on the "they want to bang" line of thought. Tbh I would be wondering if they already had. You've only just broken up with DH - why was that? Anything to do with your DH withdrawing or otherwise not engaging in family?

Regardless, look to other friends for support. She is no friend at all.

I mean you left him. He can do what we wants. I reckon he’s doing it to make you jealous. The best friend isn’t a friend. I would expect loyalty from her, you’re my best friend I come first. But seems they do want to shag or something is going on. Dump her. And only be civil to him regarding the house/kids, don’t tell him anything.

Doesn't stop your stbxh and your bff from getting together. You said your bff and her dh have marital issues. Your H and your BFF are finding comfort in one another. You could call your H out on it - you're not divorced yet. Tell him it's utter bs he can't find another adult to chat to and a therapist is a good start.
You could tell your bff to at least wait for you and H to work out your separation before making a move on him.

You could ask her husband how he feels about them "hanging out." If you are going to say anything, do it now so you can move on without it nagging at you.

Regardless, your gut instinct is correct.
Make haste.

100% this. You absolutely cannot trust her.

I’m sorry OP but it sounds at the very least like they’re having an emotional affair. A physical relationship seems likely to follow if it hasn’t already. Anything you tell her will likely be relayed straight back your ex and you’ll never be free of him. She doesn’t have your best interests at heart which she should do. Over my dead body would I associate let alone be dating my best friends ex. She has no class or decency. Dump her as well and let them have each other. Sounds very messy and you deserve to be as untangled as possible.

Entirely up to them and they'd be doing no wrong, but you are definitely not being unreasonable @GooglePenguinBollardsIDareYou That would genuinely freak me out and piss me off in equal measures. I agree with others that you need to give them both a wide berth.

Good luck dealing with this.

Edited to add: Just noticed she is married. Ewww, just no! She has the morals of an alley cat! I would bin her as a friend!

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She is not your friend. Sorry.

That was my first thought too. Very fishy!

She knows he wants to get back with me.

i echo what everyone else is saying, she is not your friend. Your best friend would support you and be messaging and meeting up with you. Your best friend would absolutely not be messaging your ex and meeting up with him.

I hope you’ve got other friends to support you op, you need to let this one go

Well she’s made her priorities clear sadly. Some women are like this, thankfully few, and are more of a ‘man’s woman’ than even their best friend - sounds as if she’s always been a bit this way. Some guys like to have one ready and waiting for their lonely self, make them feel a bit better, or use their phone book to look one up - here we have a pair.
I don’t think it means he doesn’t want you back, and I don’t think it even means she doesn’t want to be your friend - but both are behaving oddly yes, also badly and riskily - won’t end well.
Still it hurts so look after yourself- I’d leave them both to it and not contact except where essential- if you can.

Thanks all so far. I was in the bizarre place where I was second guessing my reaction.
I’m leaving him for reasons around pulling his weight and things, not anything about this sort of thing.
I do have other friends but I was so sad over the last couple of months that I didn’t know why she was distant. Seems I might have found out why then.

They're screwing

Sympathies, it's tough losing a partner & a close friend at the same time.

It happened to me.
ExH got with a v close friend whilst we were married, I was confiding in her re problems in my marriage & all the time she was screwing the ex.
They denied it for months & finally her husband (who she'd left by then) told me they were living together.

That won't stop her though. In fact she'll use it as cover for them spending time together with the excuse that he can talk about you. Then that'll lead to more. A mixture of jealousy and confusion will stir the pot. Easily done. Some might believe it's all innocent. I don't.

As pp have said, assume she'll tell him anything you say. Also anything you have said about him in the past. Work on that basis.

Ewwwwww!

She is not your best friend. She is not even a friend. Sorry OP.

And what the fuck with your husband wanting to get back with you and thinking that the best way to do this is to have cosy chats with your best friend that you don't like?

I suspect he is trying to manipulate her into trying to talk you round. Pleading his side. Trying to convince her you should give him another chance etc.

Yanbu- she is acting super shady and it wouldn’t surprise me if they start having an affair

I suspect that she’s more his friend than yours rn and that if you confide in her on Wednesday then she’ll tell him everything that you say.

Pickings are slim out there. She’s got him in her sights.
Find a new best friend because she ain’t it.

trust your gut.

Id be tempted to have a casual chat with her husband and see if he knew they were meeting. I suspect not.

best of luck to you op- at least you know you’ve made all the right choices in binning them both off!!! xox

Massive skanks, both of them. Took her all of five minutes! That is not how a good friend behaves.

Are we allowed to refer to people as skanks?