Are parents of 'Trans' children aware of the damage of full affirmation?

[Iloverosesandcarnations]

All children go through a stage of who am I? Confusion etc.

Am I a boy, a girl, do I fit it etc.

The social contagion of affirmation of 'I'm in the wrong body, so need to change it' it IMO so damaging.

Talking through, understanding that all children go through 'who am I'
rather than initial blind affirmation and ok.lrts change your name, clothing etc tell school rush into changes young BEFORE maturation, is so dangerous.

And what if you say all that and they still say they are trans? Because I did

So bloody smug all of you

Very damaging. Children who are gender nonconforming are usually homeopathic in my experience so to affirm that is homophobic.

Children need to be told that they cannot ever be the opposite sex. I think this is what they don't understand. I don't know why any parent would let their child grow up thinking they can change sex. It seems utterly cruel.

Then you go into counselling to help them understand why they feel "wrong". You go through the process of trying to help them work out what's going on inside them.

You don't just go "oh, ok then 8 year old child, let's give you a different name and sign you up to all this medication".

There is a reason that back when I was a kid, you could transition but only as an adult and with a huge amount of therapy first.

People should be who they are. Whoever that may be and whatever that looks like. But they should be sure and it's our job as parents to make sure they are safe and sure of what they feel and want to do to their bodies. Not to fill them with lies about being able to change their biology

I didn’t fill them with lies. I have told them all the things you all say good parents should.
I’m actually in tears here. You have no idea about this until it’s your child.

I totally agree with you. However, children are exposed to influences outside of their parents and unfortunately vast swathes of society are colluding in this message. including trusted professionals like Drs, teachers, counsellors.

I'm sorry this has upset you. And I'm sorry you've had to go through something that makes you feel like this.

It does not change the facts though. Sex cannot be changed and allowing children to believe they can is damaging.

The world has filled them with lies. sSome parents fill them with lies. TV, teachers, the internet fills them with lies.

I think you are hearing personally accusations that don’t apply to you. No one has said that if parents do the right thing the DC won’t trans. We all know it’s hard. Lots of us have been there. This criticism isn’t aimed at you. It’s aimed at those who don’t push back, who indeed embrace and encourage the conveyor belt towards this pipe dream.

If that wasn’t you- and it sounds as though it wasn’t- then you aren’t the target of these comments.

@METR0NOMY MN is not the place for support with this. I used to chat with other parents in a group- Bayswater. I haven't for some years but it was a life-line during the awful times we had.

It really isn't so simple as popping them into counselling, and in fact a lot of counsellors are affirming, so that's something to be done with great caution.

My heart goes out to parents who's children are already far down this rabbit hole. It's a horrific situation where you are genuinely damned if you do/damned if you don't.

We should all be so angry at the people and institutions in society that have put parents in this terrible position.

@METR0NOMY I have been on the sidelines. I have had conversations with a young g relative where I had to be beyond careful about the extent to which I challenged her perception of the situation. I had no PR or influence and would have been easy to cast out. So I was very tentative.

I didn't slow anything down. The treadmill was fully functional and moving at speed and I failed to make it pause even momentarily. I just hope that at some point in the future she’ll remember someone listened and raised questions.

I’d be curious to know, genuinely, if at any point anyone said to your child that You might live as a women but society as a whole won’t view you as such. There have been so much focus on the affirmation side of things, particularly in the last 20 years, but there is now a massive amount of row back, compounded by the SC judgement which clearly states that you child is and will always be male. I worry that despite everything, your child has been written cheques that society won’t cash and they are now in a terrible limbo .

We really do need to shut down people perpetuating lies about there being any increase in suicide risk. It's simply a lie weaponised by Stonewall & trans extremists. Children questioning their gender often have major mental health problems but their suicide risk is no different to other children with similar mental health problems.

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/review-of-suicides-and-gender-dysphoria-at-the-tavistock-and-portman-nhs-foundation-trust/review-of-suicides-and-gender-dysphoria-at-the-tavistock-and-portman-nhs-foundation-trust-independent-report

I have friends with a trans son. In practice I think it is really difficult to be the parent. Refusing to use pronouns or offer support can drive a massive wedge between you and a much loved child and it is far too simplistic just to say do nothing to affirm and they will grow out of it. Many children do not and need to find ways of living their lives to the best they can.

This is exactly why the fight for truth and reality has to continue.

While we have a world where messages bombard children with lies that they can be anything they want to be (whether that is influencer / celebrity / the opposite sex); then a child has no real reference to reality.

While we have schools and organisations telling children lies that they can become the opposite sex - rather than teaching them the truth of biological reality, that you will always remain your natal sex and teaching them how to navigate puberty / adolescence and all the confusion that comes with that; then children have no idea of the natural boundaries

While we have governments of politicians that believe that a man can become a woman or that some women have a penis, then the lies start high and wide and appear to become the truth - how does a child know to not believe the lies being told by those in charge?

While we have sexism and narrowly defined gender perceptions in society - that girls and boys play with different toys / that pink is a girly colour / that certain jobs are for men and others for women; then how do children know how to express themselves as the more sensitive boy / more 'robust' girl whose interests are not easily pigeonholed into their sex / gender by society?

While we have an oppressive society that puts men first and women well below, how does a girl grow up and not want to become a man with all the apparent advantages - seeing a sex change as a way out of oppression?

While we have toxic masculinity that believes that men can ride roughshod over women - how does a boy learn to see transwomen as men so often playing out fantasies about being in women's spaces and realise that is wrong?

While we have social media that is allowed to rip through society telling any lies it wishes without anyone doing anything about it, and when children are exposed to it without the strength to handle it or fight back, how is a child meant to stand up and be different? If they are told to change sex to conform, how do they know that is a lie and wrong?

While we see organisations as 'grown-up' as banks and NHS and unions publicly declaring that they are going to disobey the law and that the Supreme Court judgment is wrong - how do our children learn to discern or judge or trust who is right?

While we allow our children to grow up in a society that is increasingly disintegrating, where social media, peers and unregulated organisations influence more than parents and local community who know the child - how is a child to discern truth from lie and know how to navigate their teenage years?

We need a return to truth - as has been referenced for years this is the Emperor's New Clothes - society knows that sex is immutable and that you can not transition from one to the other - yet weakness and power plays allows the myth to continue - and damage our children.

Until we return to the truth, it will be almost impossible for parents to provide enough counter-balance. There are great parenting comments above - especially the approach of confirming choice and identity and lifestyle (e.g. play / jobs / dress / etc.) while also confirming the biological truth that you can't change sex. Not - you can become a girl, but you can be the boy you want to be - not you can become a boy, but you can be any girl you wish... But even with these, the weight of deception and deceit in society is so huge it becomes a losing battle for parents.

There is no doubt, this will become the nation's biggest safeguarding scandal of all time - when we look back in 20 years we will be horrified at the lives damaged and lost by society perpetuating lies and taking children by the hand and starting hopeless journeys to the impossible, with all the physical and mental damage that entails.

It is understandable that some parents will object to the OPs comments - they will feel personally attacked and understandably, (despite there being no personal attack against them), but that doesn't mean that we should be quiet about the needs - sadly those who are already casualties will never fully heal, but we can fight to avoid new casualties.

And it starts with truth. The momentous fact about the April SC judgment at its most basic is that it unequivocally confirms that this is a black and white matter - you are boy or girl / man or woman and that can not change. That one fundamental fact re-established and put centre-stage means that we can start to re-build an honest society from there. Whatever the lies and deceitful arguments that will be put forward with re-doubled energy by those whose credibility relies on the lies being believed - we can now always return to the basic biological and factual reality which can not be denied. From that point we can start to rebuild guidance / advice / help / support etc. so that our children as they enter their teenage years, with puberty changing their hormones, with wider circles of influence challenging them - can have a grounded certainty in who they are biologically - giving them far more freedom to express themselves how they wish...

...they can be any shape of boy or girl they choose - they just can't change sex.

I'm glad that the recent Court Judgement, boxing scandal at the Olympics, JKR had made people stop and think. That all this is actually really damaging longterm. Sex can't be changed and that's a fact. Whatever you are, or want to be is ok, but it's gone way too far.

How old is your child?

Such a great post @akkakk
I was horrified after the SC judgment that my DD seemed to be reading total lies online: she believed that Brianna Ghey's killers had been let off because the courts all wanted trans people to die (and this was obviously proved in her eyes by the SC ruling - which of course she hadn't read). I explained that both killers had been convicted and given absolutely appropriate custodial sentences, but she seemed to think that was 'offensive' of me.
So she believed some random on the Internet over her own parents in relation to something which is easy to find online within a few seconds.
It must be very hard for parents to battle against that.
(like 'ana' websites. But we don't as a society - thank god - laud and affirm anorexia).

The Cass review is clear that social transition is not a neutral act and can absolutely lead to irreversible physical harm, let alone extreme mental health harm.

I'm with you on this one!

I also think there's a difference between

"We love you whoever you feel you are, let's talk through this" and "if you think your body is wrong then let's fix it".

Because one is just letting your child know that whoever they are, you're there for them and the other is saying that they need to be fixed. And something that needs fixing is broken or wrong.

It is really really hard to walk the right line between causing harm by jumping to affirm, and causing a total relationship breakdown between child and parents by taking a hard line of non affirmation.

My child is 18. Biologically female, autistic. All the usual profile. Why do you ask?

So many experts on this thread.

🙄

@Runnersandtoms

"The Cass review is clear that social transition is not a neutral act and can absolutely lead to irreversible physical harm, let alone extreme mental health harm"

You understand that not everyone accepts the recommendations of this report as being reliable?

From the Wikipedia entry on the Cass Report:

"In September 2024, a commentary was published in Journal of Adolescent Health arguing that other scholars had made "lengthy and nuanced rebuttals to the Cass report". The commentary says that Cass' conclusions generally focus on "limiting or minimizing medical gender-affirming care (GAC) for youth" and that she "minimizes the robust data and the potential negative impact of increasing barriers for an already disenfranchised group". The commentary states that "GAC for youth is well supported by evidence" and that concerns about the evidence base and the need for more research "do not warrant removal of access to this important care". The commentary further suggests that randomised controlled trials (RCT) would not be ethically feasible for young people experiencing gender dysphoria.[213]
In November 2024, over 200 educational psychologists signed an open letter addressed to education secretary Bridget Phillipson. The letter expressed concerns about the "processes and findings of the Cass review" and the impact of the Cass Review on children and young people in education.[214] That same month, the healthcare division of the RAND Corporation (a US-based research institute), released its own systematic review into treatments for trans and gender expansive young people, in which it described several similarities and differences between its own approach and that of the Cass Review.[l] The report rated the existing evidence base as having low and very low certainty, but also found the treatments to be low risk and with little evidence of side-effects, regret, or dissatisfaction.[m] It said the Cass Review was "highly comprehensive", but said its findings may have limited applicability outside the context of the NHS.[n]
On 9 May 2025 a critical evaluation of the Cass report and its seven commissioned reviews was published in BMC Medical Research Methodology. Using an independent Risk of Bias (ROBIS) tool, the evaluation identified a "high risk of bias" in all seven reviews as well as "methodological flaws", "unsubstantiated claims", and "misrepresentation of evidence".[218][219]