Are parents of 'Trans' children aware of the damage of full affirmation?

[Iloverosesandcarnations]

All children go through a stage of who am I? Confusion etc.

Am I a boy, a girl, do I fit it etc.

The social contagion of affirmation of 'I'm in the wrong body, so need to change it' it IMO so damaging.

Talking through, understanding that all children go through 'who am I'
rather than initial blind affirmation and ok.lrts change your name, clothing etc tell school rush into changes young BEFORE maturation, is so dangerous.

Thank you. I'm sorry you feel judged. It's good that people are discussing this more now balancing reality of what can happen with why they think they are in the 'wrong' body which is theirs. Why they hate the way they are, their body is, how that fits with societal expectations of their actual sex. Some very confused young people put there. Sadly, some people will pray on them too.

We need to be careful about dismissing suicide in children who are in despair around trans issues.

No, it's not common, but it does happen and it's devastating.

Glad to see many nuanced replies. Yes, it's complicated. No parent, even the most trans supportive, is overjoyed at the thought of medical intervention, even when they may be pretty sure it's the right thing for their child. Many will be supportive but hoping, and pretty sure (because they know their child) that they're not likely to go through with any irreversible medical intervention, especially if they maintain a positive relationship with them where they can talk honestly about these things.

Yes, it has crossed my mind what I would say if my oldest (late teens) was to say to me they thought they wanted top surgery- if they did I think I would give them an age to wait until because I would say I would be being remiss as a parent if I didn't advise they wait until they have had more experiences in life, such as a long term sexual relationship, which could change how they feel about their body. And because DH and I have been supportive, while also giving context and caution from our experience, I'm very sure they would respect that.

I'm not devastated by the idea of them doing that, but I think they should have certain life experience and maturity before making that call. And I think my standpoint is probably more common than the idea sometimes expressed that supportive parents of trans kids are rushing to go 'Oh, I am so cool, I'm going to get my kids on hormones NOW!'

Indeed.

When you have 'experts' telling you they are in the wrong body.... scary stuff. A whole section of society exposed to these 'experts' pushed by the ideology. It permeated schools, the NHS, society etc... very brave to push back and say no.

I think we actually need to be mindful that many of these children have complex mental health problems, which feeling 'born in the wrong body' is a symptom of, rather than a cause.

These children need high quality, neutral psychiatric help.

It is a common theme of detransitioner stories that they were convinced that transition would solve their mental health trauma, Not only did this not turn out to be the case, but it created a whole of new problems for them to deal with - some of which are irreversible.

Totally. More mental health support is needed.

I don’t think it is the parents fault- sometimes it is but usually not.
I think children and young people are being lied to and fed dangerous information, and parents are often massively pressurised to go along with things they’re not happy with.

Come back when you have some experience and let me know how it works out for you.

Without doubt we need sensitive ways of unknotting complicated feelings in some cases. I think it's pretty rare for trauma to be a catalyst for trans ideation, and we mustn't assume someone can't be trans because of trauma, but if it could be related it needs unpicking. Because it does sound to me like the (again rare) instances of regretful detransition tend to have happened because they had other unmet trauma-related needs for which transition was not the answer.

Someone I used to work with, in his early thirties, recently started to transition. His parents and friends were supportive.

He committed suicide last month because - despite trying - he will have never be a woman.

Trans ideology is very, very dangerous. Acceptance was too difficult for a man in his thirties, let alone a teenager.

I don’t think many of the parents are aware of the damage. Because they’re cowed into affirming through fear of their child cutting them off or attempting suicide (despite the fact that there’s no good evidence to support an increase in suicidality).
When faced with a distressed and desperate child, it must be incredibly difficult for any adult to say “no, you’re not a boy” if they’re being told by their child and other professionals that affirming is what’s necessary for their wellbeing.
I can see why some wouldn’t challenge it in that case. I don’t however, think it absolves any adult of the responsibility to make it clear to their child that no human can change sex, and that there are significant risks involved in cross sex hormones and surgeries. I genuinely believe we’re on the cusp of the biggest medical scandal of our time and that thousands of these young people have been harmed irrevocably by societal irresponsibility towards their internet use, and a desperately dangerous social contagion that has been hugely profitable for many. The parents in these situations have no choice but to dig their heels in because contemplating the reality of what has been done to their child would be simply inconceivable.

And you're calling me arrogant? All while refusing to understand that sex is fixed?

Look at the state the world is in with regards to this kind of thing and question whether things are being done right.

There's an issue going on at the moment where teenage girls at school are being made to share their changing rooms with trans girls. There's a thread on here.

Another where a trans woman who still outwardly presents as a man has been allowed access to the woman's changing room in the NHS and has been harassing a nurse.

Not to mention the Scotland prison debacle. Or the supreme courts ruling and the backlash to that. Women's rights being trampled on.

Now, I understand that parents of trans identifying children quite rightly are protective of them and therefore need to be vocal to protect their specific child. But all our children need protecting. Especially our daughters. I don't want my daughter growing up in a world where men have access to her in all spaces she's supposed to be safe in, purely because people refuse to believe that sex is a biological fact and cannot be changed. I don't want her growing up in a world where women are walked all over because people won't have honest, factual, realistic conversations with their children and instead are jumping into allowing literal children to make physical changes to themselves and take life altering medication.

It does so much more harm to so many more children both now and for their future to let this be a "normal" thing rather than having difficult conversations with them.

You have no idea what I think about sex being fixed.

What is arrogant is you thinking its as simple as 'just' telling your child something.

You have no clue whatsoever.

Tell me what should be done then? If not educating your child, being realistic and if needs be helping them accept who they are with counselling?

Do you seriously believe that allowing children to think they're "wrong" is the right approach?

I think having these difficult conversations when transitioning is being discussed is very different now versus even a few years ago.

There is a lot more info available now and a lot more open discussion. Plus Cass has significantly shifted the debate.

It's also damaging to be dismissive and not beleive them. It's not as black and white as you make out is it.

This is clearly a very biased source! Non-peer reviewed articles from a group set up to oppose gender affirming care isn't really evidence, I'm afraid.

There are plenty of neutrally positioned healthcare and social care journals, non are reporting this.

I think there's a lot of posts on mn that might scare parents of kids who have questions about their gender identity. My experience is that it isn't so scary, we can largely let teenagers have time and space to work out their identity, letting them know that we accept them however they express themselves.

Honestly, I don't think I've ever met a teen who had got to the point of questioning their gender identity and would then change their mind if their parents told them not to. That just doesn't happen!

I've seen this. It's incredibly sad.

Twenty years ago, if a child was questioning their identity there were no options. You couldn’t affirm their confusion as we didn’t know about the choices, by and large.

Affirming your DC is vital to their growing confidence and resilience. That doesn’t mean affirming they are trans. In fact it means affirming their identity in the body they have, with the interests, skills and opportunities they have.

How can it help to affirm them in something they are not? It’s like those people who used to go on the talent shows despite being tone deaf because their granny said they have a beautiful voice, like an angel!

It seems that parents and DC now believe there are options available beyond making the most of who you are and what you have.

And it’s not healthy.

Give it 10 years and watch development. So much damage done. Adults will sue for harm done to them, or allowed to be done to them, when they were young.

And you're calling me arrogant? All while refusing to understand that sex is fixed?
Look at the state the world is in with regards to this kind of thing and question whether things are being done right.

Looking at the wider social issue is easy, it’s not so easy when it’s your child. I can tell my child until I’m blue in the face, she’s a teenager and has many, at least as influential, voices coming at her.

It’s part of teen development to try and figure out who you are as a separate entity to your parents, and trans issues are very prominent right now. Having open communication is vital and nothing shuts down communication quicker than an “I’m right” mentality - even if you are right.

My nephew is trans. His identical sister is not. He has never been happier—transitioned fully at age 20. His sister is happy, he is happy. Its not a tragedy or a horror or a mistake. Shockingly people can choose to live differently than others expect.

My eldest DC announced they were trans in Yr10/11. They did so at school, who rang me to tell me. The school immediately affirmed it, name-change to a girl's name as well.
My DC1 had an EHCP and various professionals involved. One tried to get a referral to the Tavistock. DH and I were of the opinion this was too much too soon and we had months of utter hell fighting against the school and this professional. (Noises made we'd be referred to SS because of "safeguarding' with the refusal to consent to Tavistock). DC1 hates talking to professionals and didn't even want the referral themselves!

We did buy clothes that included skirts.

They left school and started a post-16 course elsewhere.

DC1 is 20, now identifies as non-binary. No longer a female name, but a different one (which is the kind of name a celebrity child may have). I've made my peace with it, I know 99% of mn will disagree with me, but this is what works for our family. Majority of time they wear tracksuits.

I'm aware I'm rambling but it was really hard to deal with. They were so convinced and the school was so affirming that I thought DC1 would leave and go no contact with us as soon as they turned 18, or sooner if SS etc intervened

We always knew DS1 was not university material. He just wasn’t. Extremely bright, but living with challenges that would make UNI impossible.

His 16-18 college were recruiting for their foundation course and told him he was definitely a great candidate, he would do well, there would be jobs waiting… his cohort all fell for it and went on to uni. Only one finished a degree, the rest just ran up massive debts and ended up in non related jobs.

Affirmation in something that isn’t achievable is unkind, unhealthy. Unproductive.

Cass opened the way to not have to just agree.

The recent court judgement around sex matters further made people think. Now the NHS, schools, social services etc now have to recognise the importance of actual sex. Things are changing.