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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH upset that I'm getting a tattoo

304 replies

PoppyCornCob · 19/05/2025 10:34

So to put into perspective, I'm not only the breadwinner in the family but I'm also the one who does all the "traditional" things that wives do at home apart from the cooking because I suck at it. I only take on that role when my DH isn't at home.

I work 50+ hours a week, 5 full time night shifts on top of doing 2 part time HK jobs during the day (2 days at a hotel and another 2 days with the agency). I don't work weekends because I look after our DS and the house while DH is at work. DH is a chef and works 40-45hrs each week. When he gets home, he looks after our son and cooks but that is generally it. Very rarely does he tidy up/clean the house, does the chores, feed the cat, and do admin. I do all of that. When asked, he says he will do it but always prolongs things hence I do it in the end (then he gets annoyed that I didn't let him do it).

We have separate bank accounts. All the big bills comes out of my pocket and the smaller bills comes out of his. At the moment, we are saving up for a trip to America but I have also been setting money aside for a tattoo session to treat myself for working my ass off. When I told him about it, he got very annoyed and he said that he himself would like to get a tattoo but he isn't doing so because we are saving up for the trip to America.

I told him that I'm using my own personal money for this tattoo because quite frankly, it's deserve a break. However, i offered to give him my tattoo money to get his done but he said don't bother. I don't intend to cancel my tattoo session because my DH has gotten annoyed with me but is it unreasonable of me to not take a break? I'm purely running on adrenaline every week and im super exhausted each time I get home. Like, is it wrong for me to get this tattoo for myself?

OP posts:
Thedogscollar · 19/05/2025 14:03

This is a physical impossibility which can easily result in death therefore it ain't happening.
Aren't you supposed to be at work OP instead of asking strangers about having a tattoo or not?

thenightsky · 19/05/2025 14:05

What is a HK job?

Starseeking · 19/05/2025 14:05

Rosscameasdoody · 19/05/2025 11:52

I think OP means she’s the major earner.

There can’t be that much disparity in earnings for the OP to label herself the breadwinner.

Unless it’s tens of thousands earnings difference (as opposed to a few hundred), maybe her DH is annoyed about OP’s attitude towards that (given he is also working full-time in a demanding, decently paid job) rather than the tattoo money itself? The tattoo seems to be a smokescreen for a whole load of issues.

Agapornis · 19/05/2025 14:06

You need a budget so you can sleep more than 2 hours.

Prioritise saving and financial security rather than blowing it all on a holiday. It'd mean you have time to live now, rather than in the future - which is at risk because your current situation is not good for your health.

Iamnotalemming · 19/05/2025 14:07

Lourdes12 · 19/05/2025 11:47

You need sleep not a tattoo

This.

Starseeking · 19/05/2025 14:10

PennywisePoundFoolish · 19/05/2025 13:41

The OP doesn't say "THE Breadwinner" it says "NOT the only Breadwinner" but does the bulk of domestic drudgery.

I work nightshifts in a supermarket and couldn't cope with a day job on top. Even if it's a sleep- in care role, surely the sleep will be broken? Monday's are my worst day as I can't sleep as much as I'd like due to DC and it's really rough and I don't feel even vaguely human until Wednesday.

I enjoyed getting my tattoo and can see why this holds appeal, but completely agree you need to reconsider this set up, as it isn't sustainable

Read agin, the OP’s first two lines are copied exactly below:

So to put into perspective, I’m not only the breadwinner in the family, but I’m also the one who does all the “traditional” things that wives do at home…

Scentedjasmin · 19/05/2025 14:11

If I were going to bed at 6am then getting up an hour later, having a maximum of 3 hours sleep a day, I would be making serious life style changes, which would include not going on a holiday that i clearly could only afford to the detriment of my sleep and well being.

Dartmoorcheffy · 19/05/2025 14:12

Load of crap. Nobody can function on 2 hours sleep a day

TheGreyQuail · 19/05/2025 14:14

Have only read Op input.
OP if you are really only getting 2 hours sleep monday to friday, and I doubt that very much. In the long term you would either make yourself very ill or be dead, the body doesn't function that way, and having a few extra hours at the weekend doesn't make up for it. Immunity system would be in tatters and you would be a candidate for all sorts of health issues
Extreme tiredness is very dangerous, i.e driving and every day tasks.
I def call bull shit on this thread.

TryingToBeHelpful267 · 19/05/2025 14:16

If you haven’t already saved what you need to for your part of the trip then yes it is unreasonable to spend money on yourself, when it’s something as expensive as a tattoo.

Ramblethroughthebrambles · 19/05/2025 14:17

You are both working long hours which must be having a negative effect on your relationship, your family time and your health. You seem to be doing this to save money for a goal you have agreed together (USA trip). Regardless of whether the goal is worth the damage to you all, I can see your DH's point of view - after putting yourselves through all this, you want to spend some of the money gained on something else. Your lack of sleep won't just affect you, it will impact him and your DS. So, yes, you could spend money on a tattoo if it's your money, but saving for a tattoo is not the reason he's agreed this crazy stress-inducing lifestyle.

It sounds as if he should be doing more of the domestic work, but I can't see that as justification for the tattoo. You need to talk to him about why he's not doing things (if you're ever at home at the same time). Perhaps he's resisting because he's pissed off about the sheer drudgery of your life together.

PennywisePoundFoolish · 19/05/2025 14:21

Starseeking · 19/05/2025 14:10

Read agin, the OP’s first two lines are copied exactly below:

So to put into perspective, I’m not only the breadwinner in the family, but I’m also the one who does all the “traditional” things that wives do at home…

Total comprehension fail, you're right of course
my Monday sleep-deprivation is in full effect Blush

Fupoffyagrasshole · 19/05/2025 14:22

2 hours sleep a day? how are you alive

butterpuffed · 19/05/2025 14:25

5 Night shifts of 9 hrs a night [9pm till 6am] plus 4 day shifts of 7am till 3pm is 77 hours a week. All on 2 hours sleep in the evening .

Something's not right!

Butchyrestingface · 19/05/2025 14:34

I don't intend to cancel my tattoo session because my DH has gotten annoyed with me but is it unreasonable of me to not take a break?

I was about to say I'd never come across an exhausted, sleep-deprived person describing a tattoo session as 'taking a break'. But then I remember that case years ago (probably showing my age), where a young woman claimed, after asking for a SINGLE tattoo, she'd slept through the procedure and awoke to 50 odd stars on her face.

Well, that was her story. So it appears tattooing can be a soporific experience for some. Grin

Toddlerteaplease · 19/05/2025 14:38

I don’t believe you can actually work those hours. Do your employers know you are doing that? I would t be able to have a day job straight after a night shift.

Jujujudo · 19/05/2025 14:41

You’re a grown woman and it’s your body. If you want a tattoo, get one. It’s not the money that’s the issue, it’s your husband’s attitude - if he wants a tattoo he can get one.

treesandsun · 19/05/2025 14:45

I don't understand how people are confused. You're annyed that he's annoyed that you're spending some of your money on getting a tattoo and not putting it all nto the American Fund. As he earns less he says he can't afford to get tattoo and is being arsey about it. You offered to give him some money towards a tattoo he doesn't want that either .you're still gonna go ahead and get the tattoo?

h If your finances are separate and this is coming from your money go ahead and get your tattoo. Y9u must absolutely knackered though which it seems to be what everybody's focusing on and maybe yu wouldn't be the snarky with each other if one or either of you are getting a bit more sleep.

LeaderBee · 19/05/2025 14:49

PoppyCornCob · 19/05/2025 11:11

It makes perfect sense. I start my week on a Monday doing my day job at 7am and finish at 3pm. I pick up son at nursery, get home, wack something in the microwave for us to eat, DH gets home at 6pm, I sleep for an 2 hours before doing my evening job at 9pm and finish the next day at 6am. Then rinse and repeat at 7am the next day.

Saturday, I stay up and go to bed at a normal time. Around 9pm? Same for Sunday. Then we start the crazy and unsociable hours on Monday.

Sorry, 3 hours of sleep a day, for four days?
I'm not even here for the tattoo argument anymore, what's the deal here?

HunnyPot · 19/05/2025 14:53

Like, is that wrong of me to do?

Yes

Am i being an ass for doing that?

Yes

I just want to treat myself and my DH is telling me I shouldn't?

This isn’t a question.

Am I being unreasonable?

Yes

LeaderBee · 19/05/2025 14:57

Pandasandlions · 19/05/2025 11:43

Are these all your savings or just the holiday fund? If that is all you have, I think planning a holiday in the US is madness!

It did read like her total savings was 3k and that she planned to blow 6k all in the space of 2 weeks while she was there.

Along with her "2 hours" sleep a night, I think she probably wants to take a look at her irresponsible finances while she's at it

N.B: Although it appears to be irresponsible, people can do whatever they like with their money, but it seems wild to me!

ukathleticscoach · 19/05/2025 15:02

So you have 2 hours sleep a night?!

I would skip the holiday, tattoo and just do one job

Still you know what they say a tattoo is as good as a rest!

CalicoPusscat · 19/05/2025 15:03

SnugOrca · 19/05/2025 13:10

As a severe insomniac this is so reassuring to read

I'll get it too then!

@PoppyCornCob get the tattoo, postpone America trip, find better paying work less hours.

Gloriia · 19/05/2025 15:04

The night shift must he some kind of sleep on the job carers role as no one could work 9pm til 6am then go to a day job if the night shift was active and challenging.

That said it is still a lot and the family need to cut their cloth a bit more or whatever the saying is. Hols in the US seem a bit ambitious.

PineForestsSmellGood · 19/05/2025 15:07

It makes perfect sense. I start my week on a Monday doing my day job at 7am and finish at 3pm. I pick up son at nursery, get home, wack something in the microwave for us to eat, DH gets home at 6pm, I sleep for an 2 hours before doing my evening job at 9pm and finish the next day at 6am. Then rinse and repeat at 7am the next day.

You work an 8 hr day from 7am to 3pm

You sleep from 6pm-8pm (2 hours)

You work from 9pm to 6am (9 hours)

Then what? You have a day off ? What is the 'next day'?

Is that Tuesday at 7am or Wednesday at 7am?

I'm confused.

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