DH upset that I'm getting a tattoo

[PoppyCornCob]

So to put into perspective, I'm not only the breadwinner in the family but I'm also the one who does all the "traditional" things that wives do at home apart from the cooking because I suck at it. I only take on that role when my DH isn't at home.

I work 50+ hours a week, 5 full time night shifts on top of doing 2 part time HK jobs during the day (2 days at a hotel and another 2 days with the agency). I don't work weekends because I look after our DS and the house while DH is at work. DH is a chef and works 40-45hrs each week. When he gets home, he looks after our son and cooks but that is generally it. Very rarely does he tidy up/clean the house, does the chores, feed the cat, and do admin. I do all of that. When asked, he says he will do it but always prolongs things hence I do it in the end (then he gets annoyed that I didn't let him do it).

We have separate bank accounts. All the big bills comes out of my pocket and the smaller bills comes out of his. At the moment, we are saving up for a trip to America but I have also been setting money aside for a tattoo session to treat myself for working my ass off. When I told him about it, he got very annoyed and he said that he himself would like to get a tattoo but he isn't doing so because we are saving up for the trip to America.

I told him that I'm using my own personal money for this tattoo because quite frankly, it's deserve a break. However, i offered to give him my tattoo money to get his done but he said don't bother. I don't intend to cancel my tattoo session because my DH has gotten annoyed with me but is it unreasonable of me to not take a break? I'm purely running on adrenaline every week and im super exhausted each time I get home. Like, is it wrong for me to get this tattoo for myself?

And she ended up with dementia.

As a severe insomniac this is so reassuring to read

As a severe insomniac this is so reassuring to read

It sounds like you are a competitive couple. You compete with chores, money, tattoos...

If this were a reverse what would we think?

You earn more so you get to decide how the money is spent.

So if a man was getting a tattoo as the main breadwinner and spending it out his earnings and told the wife who also wanted a tat that she can't have one because she earns less?

Can someone make it make sense?

Is it that you think you DH doesn't do enough? Is he lazy? You both work full-time?

is the difference in earnings because you work yourself to the bone ( a night job and a day job) and he does not? Why is it that you are covering the majority of expenses?

It doesn't sound like a very appealing situation OP. He works less, contributes less and by the sounds of it chooses not to pull his weight either. Perhaps because he sees that ultimately you will make up for it all. You must be exhausted. I would absolutely hate for my own partner to have to work nights and days like this with no proper rest time, it is unsafe to drive and incredibly bad for ones health. I would not want my DP doing this and would seek to bring in more income myself to avoid it, as is fair. Does this not concern your DP? (I think we know the answer to that).

He's selfish OP, he doesn't care about what it means for you or whether it makes you happy, he cares that you aren't paying for his, which he clearly does feel entitled to or this would never have come up. He hopes that by making you feel bad that there will be a net gain for him and he will get a tattoo as well, but doesn't want to be made to feel bad about it (even though he should), hence the sulking. This is the behaviour of a manipulator.

You've done nothing wrong, I would be telling him that I don't require his input into what I spend my own money on, particularly as the party that pays the lions share of the bills. He can have a say, and indeed get his own tattoo - when he contributes more or earns more, can't he.

A lot of people who have a family, etc., have personal spending money.

Interesting. Another poster saying that the person earning more can dictate where money is spent and can spend on themselves.

why do these posters never say that on any thread where the man is doing that?

You are unreasonable to want a tattoo, that will scar you for life, buy a picture for the wall instead.

I can guarantee that you will not love that picture so much after a couple of years, and luckily you can take it down again .

You work 5 nights a week , your Dh works 40-45 hours a week ? Presumably evenings - so who looks after Dc? When you go to work ?

I agree with pp someone who works with someone else who works 40- 45 hours a week is not a bread winner . You both work .

I can’t agree with that!

I’ve tattoos 15 years old I love and pictures for the wall the same.

If you are in the UK or the majority of Europe what you are working is illegal. In law you should have 11 hours between shifts! Your work must really suffer and I’m surprised your employers put up with it!

Indeed. "Breadwinner" is when you are the sole earner. Or possibly when the other partner is working a couple of hours a week. But certainly not just the person who earns the most.

OP, if you are sleeping 2 hours a day 5 days a week, there is no chance, zero, that you are making good decisions on anything.

Sort that out first then think about this again.

I agree with your DH. Use the money for the holiday. Tattoos are a waste of money and I say this as someone with three tattoos. Two large (one is a sleeve). I regret them all as I think most of them look awful on people.

A couple of things. The 3k that you have in savings, is that ALL the savings you have in total or just what you have saved towards the holiday? Because it's madness to spend your entire savings on a holiday if you have nothing saved for emergencies. Holidays, especially to the States, are a luxury not a necessity and even if you manage to save 6k, but haven't yet booked your flights and accommodation, then you will have very little left to make the most of a good holiday. If you plan to do the absolute minimum and cut costs whilst you are out there then you would be better to keep saving until you can do it well, or choose a cheaper destination.

The other thing is, you are running yourself into the ground, working so many hours and getting so little sleep, all for the sake of a holiday and a tattoo. It's just not worth it. Change jobs to one where you work reasonable hours and save a little slower. Your child would rather have you around for a few more hours in the day than a 2 week holiday in the States that they won't remember anyway!

No of course not. This is why your finances are separate. Don’t accept feeling guilty.

However do look at your finances and the division of labour in your household because at the rate you are going you will stroke out.

You're absolutely right. I chose DH and married him but after a few years I'll be tired of looking at him, right?

I have no tattoos and there's a very good chance I'll never have any. But people get them for all sorts of reasons that make them meaningful to them and therefore they'll never not be glad to see them. I have friends with tattoos that represent their children, their much loved pets, family members, people they've lost etc.

Don't be so judgemental about something that means things to other people.

I think it’s your body get the tattoo! But the amount of hours you are working and the little amount of sleep is crazy. There are bigger issues than you both arguing about the tattoo/money. Self care is needed or you are likely to burn out and your relationship will possibly go with it.

Tattoos are awful, they look ugly and so cheap no matter how much they cost.

Lose a job and holiday in the UK, it is beyond batshit to have 3 jobs so you can save for a trip to the US.

If you're going to attempt to reverse it then you should stick to the same facts and ask "If a man was getting a tattoo as the main breadwinner and spending it out of his earnings and told his wife who also wanted a tat TO TAKE HIS TATTOO MONEY TO GET HERS DONE but she refused...". Because that is the accurate reverse of the situation.
It might help it make sense to you if you hadn't invented your own alternative part of the conversation to make it sound as though the man was being hard done to, when in fact the OP offered to buy his tattoo instead of hers.

The OP doesn't say "THE Breadwinner" it says "NOT the only Breadwinner" but does the bulk of domestic drudgery.

I work nightshifts in a supermarket and couldn't cope with a day job on top. Even if it's a sleep- in care role, surely the sleep will be broken? Monday's are my worst day as I can't sleep as much as I'd like due to DC and it's really rough and I don't feel even vaguely human until Wednesday.

I enjoyed getting my tattoo and can see why this holds appeal, but completely agree you need to reconsider this set up, as it isn't sustainable

I dont understand the relevance of the jobs and working hours and who does what at home to getting a tattoo?

Am i missing something?

Disagree. I love all my tatts and also my pictures.

Plenty of things scar people for life, ear piercings, operation scars, my mother.......

Can you find a job that pays more? This isn’t sustainable.

Ok so you look after your son from 3pm until 6pm and then your husband does it from 6pm, overnight and takes him to nursery the following day? How are you doing more than him?

You may be doing more hours at work which at the rate you describe is not sustainable and arguably dangerous if you are driving but your DH facilities this too by caring for your son.

I don’t think you are wrong to want the tattoo but it depends what was agreed re the holiday. Your husband works full time too and I am sure would also loke a break it just sounds like he is prioritising the agreed holiday. I think you need to have equal access to tattoo money and properly agree what you are doing about the holiday money.