DH upset that I'm getting a tattoo

[PoppyCornCob]

So to put into perspective, I'm not only the breadwinner in the family but I'm also the one who does all the "traditional" things that wives do at home apart from the cooking because I suck at it. I only take on that role when my DH isn't at home.

I work 50+ hours a week, 5 full time night shifts on top of doing 2 part time HK jobs during the day (2 days at a hotel and another 2 days with the agency). I don't work weekends because I look after our DS and the house while DH is at work. DH is a chef and works 40-45hrs each week. When he gets home, he looks after our son and cooks but that is generally it. Very rarely does he tidy up/clean the house, does the chores, feed the cat, and do admin. I do all of that. When asked, he says he will do it but always prolongs things hence I do it in the end (then he gets annoyed that I didn't let him do it).

We have separate bank accounts. All the big bills comes out of my pocket and the smaller bills comes out of his. At the moment, we are saving up for a trip to America but I have also been setting money aside for a tattoo session to treat myself for working my ass off. When I told him about it, he got very annoyed and he said that he himself would like to get a tattoo but he isn't doing so because we are saving up for the trip to America.

I told him that I'm using my own personal money for this tattoo because quite frankly, it's deserve a break. However, i offered to give him my tattoo money to get his done but he said don't bother. I don't intend to cancel my tattoo session because my DH has gotten annoyed with me but is it unreasonable of me to not take a break? I'm purely running on adrenaline every week and im super exhausted each time I get home. Like, is it wrong for me to get this tattoo for myself?

You work crazy hours and pay the majority of the household outgoings. If a tattoo feels like a treat to you then go for it. Tell him he can put in more to the USA fund to make up for it as payment for a the life admin that he does not do.

I don’t think it matters who works the most or earns the most or who does most around the house or whatever. If you want the tattoo and have your own money to pay for it then you don’t need his permission. If you’d agreed to put all your disposable income towards the holiday then I can see why he is annoyed, but you still don’t need his permission.

It sounds like the tattoo is the least of your problems though.

For the people saying how is getting a tattoo akin to a break, is a complex area and different for everybody. For me, I find it incredibly meditative and relaxing to sit for 3-4 hours choosing to experience discomfort for something beautiful that I really want. The endorphin rush and high I get afterwards can keep me going for weeks.

Honestly, just stick to either working during the day or at night and knock both the tattoos and trip to US on the head.

You bith work full time and I think you should work fewer hours for everyone's sake.

you need to work out a fair budget with necessities, long term (including emergency fund) savings, fun savings (holiday money/Christmas etc) and personal spends each that you can use for whatever you want. If money is too tight for all of these things then something has to give and you discuss what will get prioritised. Sounds like your h doesn’t think there’s enough in the budget for personal spends? Do you have loads more disposable income than him and do you think this is fair seen as you work more/do more chores? Have you explained that to him?

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to get a tattoo. I do wonder how close you are to having enough for the holiday though.

You sound utterly burnt out. Why are you working so many hours?

I think the tattoo isn't really the issue here. Obviously you have control over your own body but this seems like an argument about money. Which makes sense as you must be exhausted and your finances are confusing. You shouldn't be working a second job just to pay for a trip to the states and a tattoo - neither are necessary and you should quit one of these jobs. You're going to make yourself ill.

You clearly need more sleep. You are very irritable and not making much sense at all.

Earning more does not put you in a position of authority (see the many threads with men who earn more)

spending money on something like a tattoo when you’re both saving is daft. I understand your husband not being happy with it.

the split of work is bonkers and needs sorting, totally separate issues

So you are only sleeping for two hours each day? It’s not biologically possible to live that way.
I think you are being a little creative with the truth.

You are not unreasonable to spend your own money on a tattoo or anything else if it’s spare money. You are unreasonable to complain about being the breadwinner and use that as a reason to spend the money. If a man posted here saying “I’m the breadwinner of the family I should be able to spend what I want” he would be flamed.

If you do have spare money you’d be much better using it to live off rather than doing extra work that apparently leaves you with only two hours sleep each day.

Crikey, surely you'd be better off not going to the US and not getting a tattoo, and consequently not doing as many hours.

And getting your so-called life "partner" to be a partner and do his share at home.

The tattoo is none of his business, but your sleeping pattern is reckless, dangerous and unsustainable, from a health perspective. You'll be dead, psychotic or at least at breakdown before long.

If you want to make it to America, you don't need a tattoo, you need to start sleeping more than 2 hrs a day, or you'll end up dead or in a psych ward.

Tattoo is the least of your problem. How much sleep do you actually have?

Symptoms of Sleep Deprivation Psychosis:

Hallucinations: Experiencing sensory perceptions that aren't actually present, such as seeing or hearing things that others don't.

Delusions: Holding firmly to false beliefs that are not based on reality.

Paranoia: Experiencing unjustified suspicion or mistrust of others.

Distorted thinking: Experiencing difficulty with logical thought processes and clear communication.

Mood changes: Experiencing increased anxiety, irritability, or depression.

@paranoiaofpufflings I did that for over a year with both my babies (not out of choice but because they wouldn't bloody sleep) and can confirm it is possible, since I stayed alive (though with a permanent headache)

So, you work 9pm til 6am in one job, and then do 7am til 3pm in the second job? So 17 hours straight? And 2 hours sleep in the evening every day?

WTAF? I'm probably making this up, but this doesn't even sound legal! Some people I know work in places like McDonalds, and coffee shops, and restaurants, (the sort of places that have weird/unsociable shifts) and they're not allowed to work more than 8 hours without an 8 hour break. A few people I know who do factory work do 12 hour shifts, but then have 12 hours off, and they generally don't do more than 42-44 hours a week. You're working almost 90 hours a week.

WTF is going on? Why are you doing this?

Oh by the way, it doesn't 'make perfect sense!'

I think that you can buy what you like with your own money.

I think you mean 'give me a break' in the sense of wanting him to stop criticising you and let you do something that you want for a change.

2 hours a day apparently.

Although I have never met anyone who could survive on this. It would kill you.

A husband calling themselves the breadwinner because their full time job pays more than their wifes full time job would get slaughtered on here. You seem very dismissive of his contribution. Presumably he does all the childcare while you do your two jobs?

But if you want a tattoo get a tattoo.

I think people are getting too engrossed in and caught up on the amount of hours you work etc and not actually answering your question.

What you want to know is, is it unreasonable to spend a little of your hard earned money on yourself instead of putting it towards your USA trip.

In answer to your question no I don't think particularly think it is, but I guess it would depend on how much money you are talking about here? A large detailed tattoo which is going to take hours and hours in the chair is going to be expensive and I guess your partner thinks its a self indulgent waste of money, and money that could be better spent elsewhere. His argument is that if you are going to spend 'x' amount on a tattoo then why shouldn't he do the same? But he is saying that he wouldn't chose to do that and thinks you are wasting money.

But I do see your side of things and see why you feel you want (and deserve) to spend money on yourself when you work so hard. But isn't the USA trip spending money on yourself?

So it may well be that you come to a compromise somewhere. Spend less on the tattoo maybe?

Or you come to an agreement where you both spend a little money on yourself and just resign yourselves to the fact that it might take a little longer to save the amount you need for your trip. Or neither of you spends it.

So you get two hours sleep a day for most of the week? I think you need to sort this out as the long term health implications will be catastrophic for you. The tattoo is irrelevant in this scenario.

I work 12 1/2 night shifts, 3 in a row. I'm lucky if I get maybe 6 hours at a push between shifts. I'd be dead on my feet if I only had 2 hours sleep.

No you don't.

Nobody functions on two hours sleep, let alone on a daily basis. Your post is a load of nonsense OP.