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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH told me not to make plans so I didn’t then he did and wondered why I was annoyed

162 replies

VMB12 · 19/05/2025 10:13

DH and I have had a busy weekend, he explicitly said that he wanted Sunday free then announced that our friends were “passing” so would be “popping” in at 4pm, I wasn’t too happy but thought they’d be gone by 6pm and we could then settle down and chill watching TV for the evening. He then says “oh they say it’ll be 5pm” which got my back up a little and we exchanged words, then suddenly it was going to be 5.30pm and I confess I lost my temper a little, we argued and in the end he messaged them telling them not to come round and then proceeded to tell me what an awful person I am for not wanting to see our “friends”.
I disagree, I took it on the chin when they were coming at 4pm, I even accepted 5pm even though I thought it was rude to be a hour late but 5.30pm was the straw that broke the camels back. HE was the one who said he wanted the day kept free, HE said they could come without consulting me and HE then put them off coming. I apologised for losing my temper and he refused to accept it and is now giving me the silent treatment. So AIBU?

OP posts:
Idontjetwashthefucker · 19/05/2025 10:21

What was the issue with them coming slightly later?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 19/05/2025 10:22

Not remotely unreasonable to be irritated so I'd leave him to stew.

Original poster
VMB12 · 19/05/2025 10:32

As I said we’d been really busy, and honestly I was tired and they’re the sort of friends who sometimes outstay their welcome, normally not a problem, I like them very much but they make a habit of doing this, they once turned up two hours late to a bbq when we were waiting to eat. Also tbh I don’t call an hour and a half “slightly” later, anything imo over a half hour is very late

OP posts:
GasperyJacquesRoberts · 19/05/2025 10:33

Did you tell him you didn't want them coming when he first told you about it?

Shuttered · 19/05/2025 10:34

I think you sound insanely fussy and irritable. Having friends drop over at 4 or 5.30 surely doesn’t make much difference in a day that has otherwise been kept entirely free?

sweetpickle2 · 19/05/2025 10:36

I wouldn't consider friends who are passing popping in to be 'plans' as such, especially if the rest of the day had been free. Feels quite casual to me.

However if you do consider it plans and you didn't want to do it, you should have just told him that from the off.

EilishMcCandlish · 19/05/2025 10:36

You had all day free up until then? All day to chill as a couple.
Having friends over for a bit should be part of a chilled weekend unless you think they need hosting. In which case, stop making a rod for your own back. Sounds like it was a casual and hoc arrangement and you made a song and dance.

MereNoelle · 19/05/2025 10:37

If your day was free, I don’t see why it made a huge difference whether they’d be there at 4 or at 5.30?

Original poster
VMB12 · 19/05/2025 10:37

I did but I accepted that he wanted them too so I didn’t make too much of a fuss, I like them and would have been happy to see them but they have a habit of staying later then intended and honestly I was tired and would rather they didn’t come on this occasion

OP posts:
Bourbonversuscustardcream · 19/05/2025 10:37

The silent treatment a day later is unreasonable regardless of the argument.

I think he should have checked with you rather than announced they were coming. Once they were coming though I can see how it’s awkward for him with you not wanting them and annoyed they’re late and I imagine he felt rude telling them not to come.

He’s unreasonable, they sound like a pain in the backside, you could probably have directed your annoyance more at them than him. Assuming this is normally a good relationship I’d just let it blow over.

Easipeelerie · 19/05/2025 10:37

I think he told you to keep the day free so that you’d be there to host when his friends came over.

Sauvin · 19/05/2025 10:38

Well, I like my friends so I’m generally happy to see them. Plenty of other evenings to sit in front of the tv and chill. Which sounds boring.

Sauvin · 19/05/2025 10:39

VMB12 · 19/05/2025 10:37

I did but I accepted that he wanted them too so I didn’t make too much of a fuss, I like them and would have been happy to see them but they have a habit of staying later then intended and honestly I was tired and would rather they didn’t come on this occasion

You had all day to chill though

SummerHouse · 19/05/2025 10:41

This would annoy me majorly. The difference is I could say "well that's really annoying" and DP would say "yes, really annoying" then l would just crack on and accept it. Sometimes you just need some acknowledgement rather than (it seems to me) your partner's defensiveness and counter annoyance at you for being annoyed. To sum up - he is annoying!

Original poster
VMB12 · 19/05/2025 10:41

Turns out they weren’t passing, it was going to be all evening, they were going home and then coming to us en masse and I didn’t feel up to it we’d been out all weekend from Friday night and I’d been dog walking all morning and I just wanted to have some time to chill and watch tv, when he told me, he’d already arranged it and it was a done deal

OP posts:
373849595d · 19/05/2025 10:42

It all sounds very fraught and hostile for a very minor issue. What's the relationship usually like? Does he often do the silent treatment? Are there frequent disagreements about free time and plans?

MyUmberSeal · 19/05/2025 10:42

I feel sorry for your husband.

GasperyJacquesRoberts · 19/05/2025 10:43

VMB12 · 19/05/2025 10:37

I did but I accepted that he wanted them too so I didn’t make too much of a fuss, I like them and would have been happy to see them but they have a habit of staying later then intended and honestly I was tired and would rather they didn’t come on this occasion

You didn't want them to come over but rather than saying "I don't want them to come over" you said yes. And then when there was a hiccup in the plans you had already agreed to, you threw your toys out of the pram. Because really this wasn't about them being late, this was about you agreeing to something you didn't want.

Maybe if you'd told the truth in the first place this debacle would never have happened.

MereNoelle · 19/05/2025 10:44

Maybe if you'd told the truth in the first place this debacle would never have happened

I think this is the crux of the matter. You didn’t want them to come.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 19/05/2025 10:47

I find the addiction to television most odd.

Choosing television over friends would have me reconsidering a friendship. I can see why your DH is pissed.

Tiredness isn’t the issue, if you’re tired just go to bed.

TheCurious0range · 19/05/2025 10:47

So if they were arriving at 5:30 for the evening who was cooking dinner?
I'm a pretty more the merrier type of person but lack of foresight stresses me , for a pop in on the way past at 4 I wouldn't be expecting them to stay for a meal, coming at 5:30 for the evening I would.

Original poster
VMB12 · 19/05/2025 10:49

I did say I didn’t want them to come but honestly it wasn’t worth making a fuss and it was supposed to be a quick pop in, I’d been busy all morning walking the dogs and wanted to catch up with a bit of tv in the evening not host friends who can be a bit of a handful when they get together.

OP posts:
WokeMarxistPope · 19/05/2025 10:49

I think if you agreed together (he suggested, you agreed) that a day would be kept free, you should be involved in the agreement to change that status.
It sounds like he cancelled the friends on his own initiative so I don’t think you can be blamed for that either.
Personally I would have made the best of the situation and not cancelled the friends, but it doesn’t sound like you had that choice.

Original poster
VMB12 · 19/05/2025 10:53

I actually offered to drive both DH and his friend to the pub and collect them after so he didn’t miss out but that wasn’t good enough either

OP posts:
Sauvin · 19/05/2025 10:53

Have you had this kind of issue on your relationship before? It seems like your DH is the type that’s always ready to socialise and you’re more of a ‘need to be in the mood’ type?