DH told me not to make plans so I didn’t then he did and wondered why I was annoyed

[VMB12]

DH and I have had a busy weekend, he explicitly said that he wanted Sunday free then announced that our friends were “passing” so would be “popping” in at 4pm, I wasn’t too happy but thought they’d be gone by 6pm and we could then settle down and chill watching TV for the evening. He then says “oh they say it’ll be 5pm” which got my back up a little and we exchanged words, then suddenly it was going to be 5.30pm and I confess I lost my temper a little, we argued and in the end he messaged them telling them not to come round and then proceeded to tell me what an awful person I am for not wanting to see our “friends”.
I disagree, I took it on the chin when they were coming at 4pm, I even accepted 5pm even though I thought it was rude to be a hour late but 5.30pm was the straw that broke the camels back. HE was the one who said he wanted the day kept free, HE said they could come without consulting me and HE then put them off coming. I apologised for losing my temper and he refused to accept it and is now giving me the silent treatment. So AIBU?

This one's on you for "not making a fuss" to start with - all that meant was that you weren't honest about what you wanted and that led to more of a fuss than just saying no would have been in the first place.

Totally normal to plan for a chilled day. Totally normal that something unplanned might come up later in the day that might change those plans. Your husband asked if you were up for that, and instead of saying no, you still wanted to chill out (and also you don't seem to like these friends at all), you said yes, even though you knew what they were like regarding timekeeping and so on. Then you got annoyed when they were late, which they always are, and forced your husband into the awkward position of saying no to them a couple of hours after saying yes. Which is fucking excruciating. If you'd just said no to start with, as you wanted to, he could have said no to them with no awkwardness and you'd have had your nice chill evening.

Tbh I refuse to flip-flop on invites these days so once I'd said yes to my friends, that would've been it - no whingeing from DP would have made me then go back to them with an "actually no".

Yes, walking the dogs should be relaxing but it’s also physically tiring. And again I did say I wasn’t keen on them coming but tried to be reasonable and accept it, I don’t stop him having friends round but a quick “is that ok with you?” is not unreasonable especially when he’d told me he didn’t want to see anyone and not to make plans, being 90 mins late is not reasonable imo

Completely understand why op put a stop to the debacle. An hour and a half late! Nothing worse than hosting people when you are in a sour mood, she was wise to call it off.

Your DH giving you the silent treatment is turning this molehill into a mountain.

He was unreasonable for not running his plans by you, you were unreasonable for losing your temper, but you’ve apologised and he has not.

I did say no but it was a done deal, he didn’t ask, he told me, as I’ve said if it was 4pm no problem, the later it got the more unlikely it became that it was just a drop by, I do like these friends very much but I am also aware of their quirks and on this occasion I wasn’t feeling it, if this had been planned in advance I would have made sure there were snacks etc and plenty of drinks. I also wasn’t the one who claimed to want to see no one.

I'm with you op.

Say you're coming at 4pm, them come at 4pm. I'd be expecting them to go after a couple of hours on a Sunday especially so then coming at 5.30pm would really annoy me

Half an hour difference wouldn't bother me. In fact if it wasn't even me that said the day should be free then I'd be happy for them to stay for the evening. He should've said initially 'Can Bob and Jane come round this afternoon?' then you could've said no before he actually invited them/confirmed. Once they're coming I think to get in a tizz about the timing seems a bit unnecessary.

Where did OP say she was addicted to TV ? They’d had a busy weekend. She was tired and just wanted a Sunday evening chill in front of the TV, not having to host friends when she didn’t feel like it. And from her updates I think she’s been well and truly gaslighted. That’s why he didn’t want her making plans for the day - he wanted her there to host. Friends turning up at 4pm for a quick pop in when passing, is quite different to them going home, getting ready and then coming specially to visit at around 6pm. I would think they would be expecting to be fed too. He’s been found out and he’s in a strop giving the silent treatment because he doesn’t want to have to admit that he lied and had an evening with them planned all along. I’d be mightily pissed if my partner did this to me.

god forbid she behaved like an adult:
friends are popping in!
I am not happy about it, you should have asked and I would have said not, but it' done
(friends messaging they will be later) DH: it won't work for us later, we have plans, sorry

Drama: none.
It's his house too. I can't imagine my husband telling me I am not allowed to have friends popping in one evening! He wouldn't be so controlling anyway.

It wasn’t half an hour - it was nearly two hours. And it went from a quick pop in because they were passing, to going home, changing and coming specifically for the evening later on. He didn’t ask OP if it was OK before he asked them, he told her after he’d made the arrangement. And he lied in the process. You’d be OK with that ?

It was 90 mins on a Sunday evening, a pop by is one thing, coming for the evening is another, I would have accommodated them at 4pm but I didnt want a (probably) late night on a Sunday

Agree. Tv is always there - especially with on demand etc. friends are more important than tv. Life is for living!

I'm assuming that by keeping the day free the intention was to veg out and relax after being particularly busy recently.

But i would have nipped the friends in the bud as soon as it was first mentioned - expressly saying "nope, i am doing nothing and seeing nobody today"

But OP didn’t tell him he wasn’t allowed to have friends popping in. He was the one who wanted the day kept free. He was the one who invited the friends without telling OP, and she was OK with it - a done deal, they were popping in for a visit as they were passing anyway. But that wasn’t the case was it ? They actually went home first and changed, coming much later in the evening. That would suggest they were expecting to be fed too. I’d be furious if my partner dropped that on me and lied to string me along into agreeing.

No that's why I said he should have asked her first and she should've said no. But as I said, it wouldn't bother me.

I disagree @thetrumanshow

The OP tried to be flexible and kind. Is that an offence on MN nowadays? She said Yes FOR HIM. She offered to drive them to the pub. She offered flexibility and kindness to someone who decided WITHOUT HER that friends would be coming for the whole evening.
The fa t her DP rejected all flexibility, like the pub, shows it was never about her saying Yes or No. Itvwas about her just accepting his decision Regardkess. He’d have kicked off just as much if she has No the first time round, because HE HAD ALREADY ORGANISED IT ALL. And didn’t want that to change.
Result: Drama

Then add his response to the whole thing: silent treatment and rejecting the apology. This guy simply doesn’t like to not get his iwn way agd us now punishing the OP. Not the answer of someone who isn’t going to create a fuss over a NO.

If you think someone who is happy to manipulate their DP the way this guy did will accept someone saying NO to them wo drama, you’re just naive.

Fair enough. But to be so angry about it seems a bit OTT. It wasn't like anyone was deliberately trying to sabotage your night.

but the DH was sabotaging her relaxing evening.

Glad my DH wouldn't do that because it drives me bonkers if i'm all geared up for a nice relaxing Sunday evening doing absolutely nothing and BAM! visitors. Who keep pushing back the arrival time.

I'd be ok on a Saturday, or a Friday, but any other day of the week? get away with that.

Yes it was an evening deliberately sabotaged.

Because the OP wanted a quiet evening (so sabotaged by having friends around, having to feed and entertainment them etc…)

Because her DP never asked her if she was ok. He organised it and then told her that’s what was happening. He didn’t even give her the whole picture (staying over furvtye evening) but a sanitised version (a couple of hours at 4.00pm) so she was less likely to kick up a fuss.
So yes deliberately misleading her.

So overall, I’d call that deliberately sabotaging the evening. There was no accident there.

I would have been annoyed too, especially by the 'just passing' porkie, but don't want to vote that you're right and he's wrong because this is once incident, and these marital scraps are usually part of a bigger pattern. You need to talk to each in a calmer moment about what matters to each of you and look for ways to compromise before getting into a row. Personally I think that friends shouldn't be invited to spend a big chunk of time in your home without both agreeing to it. Popping in for a cup of 4pm is OK to arrange unilaterally, but as soon as they started to delay the start time, you needed to be asked properly if it was convenient and an alternative agreed - like going to the pub. But I wonder if there is irritation between you about other things, for it to escalate so much.

I suggest to read the thread, I said initially I wasn’t keen but since it was a “pop by” as they were “passing” I agreed, it then turned out to be nothing of the sort, they were going home and coming back, does that seem like a “pop” by to you? I do not stop my husband doing anything but a quick “ok with you?” is not unreasonable however he’d agreed to it before mentioning it, yes I lost my temper like most humans do on occasions, I apologised, nothing more I can do, I actually messaged my friend and apologised, she was fine about it and reading between the lines she wasn’t up for it either.

'Choosing television over friends'; how melodramatic. The OP wanted an early drop-in and then the friends away by early evening so they could have a quiet one at home. That's all.
And do you not understand it's possible to feel tired and just want to flop, in a way that's different from feeing tired and ready for bed? I often need an hour in front of the telly in the evenings to unwind and switch my brain out of work mode. But this is 7.30–9pm sort of time, so not bedtime.

If they have a habit of staying later than intended, then surely 5.30pm us better, then you had an extra 1.5hrs before they arrived. If its a Sunday would you not agree a 'they need to leave by x pm' time?

I can see why it's annoying if you are sat waiting but why would you not say they need to be gone by 8pm when he first said they were going to be late?

Tried that initially but it was a done deal, he’d already said they could come, if I’d got the first message, I would have put them off because he didn’t want to see anyone.

I think wanting a day free can sometimes mean - making no effort.

So no effort = if a friend calls and wants to pop by, that's minimal effort.

So not unconceivable how that could be a change of mind.

However if you are the person who makes the effort I.e. providing drinks and snacks then that's unappreciative and out of order.