DH told me not to make plans so I didn’t then he did and wondered why I was annoyed

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DH and I have had a busy weekend, he explicitly said that he wanted Sunday free then announced that our friends were “passing” so would be “popping” in at 4pm, I wasn’t too happy but thought they’d be gone by 6pm and we could then settle down and chill watching TV for the evening. He then says “oh they say it’ll be 5pm” which got my back up a little and we exchanged words, then suddenly it was going to be 5.30pm and I confess I lost my temper a little, we argued and in the end he messaged them telling them not to come round and then proceeded to tell me what an awful person I am for not wanting to see our “friends”.
I disagree, I took it on the chin when they were coming at 4pm, I even accepted 5pm even though I thought it was rude to be a hour late but 5.30pm was the straw that broke the camels back. HE was the one who said he wanted the day kept free, HE said they could come without consulting me and HE then put them off coming. I apologised for losing my temper and he refused to accept it and is now giving me the silent treatment. So AIBU?

Ugh, this would have ground my gears as well. The trouble with 'pop in' arrangements is they're so loose people often turn up at a different time than they've said (or not at all), and you can't get stuck into anything in the meantime. Especially troublesome if it gets close to a meal time.

We're all different. A lot of people need quiet time by themselves to decompress, and if they have planned for it, then those plans are just as important to them as plans to go and see something or do something. People should respect that.
I think shifting arrival by 90 minutes late in the day is massively inconsiderate unless there's some good reason (stuck in traffic, doctors appointment...). If they arrive at 5.30 and have a habit of outstaying their welcome, then OP may well have ended up hosting dinner, when she'd planned a quiet evening in by herself.

But guests do need hosting? Not necessarily in a full-on way, but at the very least you have to make drinks and put other plans aside to talk to them. Even a chilled drop-in needs a degree of planning and it can be a pain not to be able to plan because you're not sure when someone is turning up.

He’s definitely not, he’s far worse than me although I much prefer plans to be made in advance, but he’s not great at saying “actually that’s not good for us can we arrange something for another time?” Whereas I will always check and confirm with him before I make plans, I never make plans solely on my say so, if he doesn’t want to do something he just won’t do it! I tried to get on board but yes I was irritated from the get go because I didn’t really want to get together on this occasion I don’t think that’s a crime, I’m not obsessed with TV or anti social, I just wanted a chill out day, whilst I was walking our dogs he was sat at home relaxing

I hate it when people spring things on me or change plans, especially last minute.
Fuck him, Op. Let him stew.

YANBU OP.

Hosting can be mentally draining, plus there would be making snacks, drinks, and clearing up after. It's perfectly acceptable to want to watch TV to unwind. It's not about choosing TV over friends, some people need time to switch off mentally and this was Sunday evening. Perfectly reasonable to say no.

And surely it would have been over a mealtime?

Organising plans at the last minute with friends is ok.
Organising plans with friends wo telling your partner isn’t ok. That’s imposing your wants on the other person. Because he knew he was on shaky grounds after asking you not to make plans. You kept your that word. He didn’t.

The friends saying they’ll be there at 4.00pm but turning up after 5.30pm is plain rude.

Your partner giving you the silent treatment is not ok and controlling.

Having said that, seeing that said friends are always late, I wouldn’t have expected them to be there at 4.00pm. It would have been better to say No right at the start (knowing in reality, they’d turn up at 6.00pm).
Or say Yes knowing the evening was gone.
Or say Yes but you’d be resting in the evening and not participating/cooking etc…

You went along with his wish to have a free day, then he changed it without consulting you, then his friends kept changing the arrival time. Nah - this is on him. I also acutely dislike sulkers. I would be withdrawing my apology if I were you, OP. What an unpleasant man.

Exactly, it just wasn’t a great time for a visit, at 4pm no problem a couple of hours sat in the garden, having a catch up but at 5.30pm (which would have been nearer 6pm or even later) it would have been all evening and I just wasn’t feeling it, apparently to some on here that’s unforgivable isn’t it?

YANBU at all, OP,.

Who would have got food, nibbles, drinks for these friends? Who got the house house clean and ready for guests?

For most people, walking the dogs IS relaxing, and their chill time, but it depends how you put it to your DH.

You should have used your words to start with, instead of getting more and more annoyed at the time changed. It's not your DH's fault if he kept getting messages from his friends delaying the time they were popping in.

If you had been clearer from the start, your DH could have told your friends that later didn't work for you.

He should check with you, but it's also his house. It's pretty miserable not to be allowed to have friends around because your partner says so. I don't even do that to my kids, and I often could do without a house full of teens, but it's their home.

Seeing MN is also the place where people refuse to answer their front door if they aren’t expecting someone, I wouldn’t worry too much about people saying it’s unforgivable to want a quiet evening. 😁😁

People sometimes just go against the OP just to be contradictory.

Entertaining is tiring, even people ‘popping round’ and I can’t speak for anyone else’s household but it usually involves the mum figure cleaning like mad and rushing to sort snacks/drinks/food. It’s a lot on a Sunday evening.

I also think he set the tone for the day and told you not to make any plans; then went and did the opposite without even consulting you. That alone would tee me off.

Then giving you silent treatment!

why this obsession on MN to to have the house "clean and ready for guests"?
Don't people ever keep a house clean for themselves?

but the friends were expected, they arranged it with the DH. Totally different from not answering the door when people turns up without warning.

So you think her DH asking her not to make any plans for the day and then doing so himself without even consulting OP first is reasonable ? Not to mention the childish silent treatment - which probably indicates he knows he was wrong and doesn’t want to admit it. What I also don’t understand is why he told OP that these friends would be ‘passing’ at 4pm and that would be the reason for the visit, when this was clearly not the case as the visit was delayed by nearly two hours. That sounds arranged to me.

I did say no initially but he’d already arranged it and I tried to be a good sport and get on board and I accepted that they would be here at 4pm as he said they were “passing” I now know that not to be the case, I got annoyed because I felt blind sided and ignored, I apologised for losing my temper but not for the lead up, I would NEVER make arrangements and then turn up 90 minutes late, however you’re right I should have been more aware based on previous experience that they were going to do this

If you had been clearer from the start, your DH could have told your friends that later didn't work for you.

You mean the guy who said Yes in the first place wo asking the OP?
And somehow it is HER fault if things go heated/he had to say No to them because she wasn’t clear enough in the first place??

What about him not making decisions wo talking to the OP?? Including not telling her it was never a 2 hours things but a whole evening event.

What about him not taking the OP kindness for granted? Because she made an effort fir him by saying Yes and somehow he (and the friends) took advantage of it.

And btw, no need to treat the OP like a child. She doesn’t need ‘to use her words’. She did anyway. She didn’t have a tantrum like a 2yo. And tryimg to do something nice fir your partner isn’t ’not Holding your boundaries’ either….

It might be the wrong relationship for you.

My husband never makes plans without consulting me - why should you have to be "on" all the time, and unable to have a whole day of peace in your own home?- and he wouldn't have a load of inconsiderate wankers descend in the evening on a work night anyway. Sunday night for us is ironing work shirts, homework, takeaway, chitchat, relax as a family.

This is easier for some people than others - available time, health and mobility issues, things like that. And even when a house is more or less clean and tidy most of the time, wanting guests to see it looking its best is a pretty normal thing.

I was going to say the same.

I wouldnt have been thrilled to have feed guests when I was hoping to put my feet up for the evening.

They weren’t expected by the OP though… she wasn’t asked about the plans. She was told.