To be absolutely fed up of toddler?

[fedupmomm]

I am so fed up of my toddler, I don’t know what else to do.

OH works 7 days a week and does not help me with anything apart from give me money.

Toddler will not eat unless he has something to play with.
Screams constantly all the time when in the high chair.

Refuses to sleep in his cot.
Brushing his teeth is a big battle.

I am just so fed up.
I don’t have any time for myself at all, the last time I went to the hair dressers was in 2023.

OH is just awful and says because I am a mother this is what I signed up for.

Because he has never looked after DC on his own he really does not know or understand how hard it is.

I regret having him so bad and I hate feeling like this.

I don’t have depression I am just fed up, I am tired, I am frustrated from the lack of help and support from OH.

Because I feel like this OH says “Wow you have a beautiful son and you feel like this?”
He just dosent understand.

His life has stayed the same, he works, he see’s his friends, he goes out, he goes on holiday.

Since DC was 8 months old I have asked him to do more, but to no avail.

I just don’t know what to do anymore.
My parents live close and they do see me but I don’t want to ask them for help as they have their own problems with health.

AIBU to feel like this?

I have a supportive husband and even I was regretting my three year old a few weeks ago. Have managed to go out and do something by myself for a couple of weeks and it has helped. You would be better off single.

OP, if he doesn't help out and is effectively living the life of a single man, he doesn't get to dictate whether or not your child should be going to nursery - apart from the fact that it will give you a much needed break and some breathing space, nursery will give your child the opportunity to interact with other children and learn how to share, play nicely etc.
Unless you're financially dependent on him for paying for the nursery, I suggest you just go ahead and book it.

I’m a single parent and my life sounds ten times easier than what OP is facing! I work full time I make use of free nursery hours, my son doesn’t see his waste of space of a father at all and it still sounds easier than what OP is facing. I’d much rather be a single parent than in a relationship or marriage like this!

How much more can he honestly do if he works 7 days per week and pays all the bills? I wouldn’t be much help either if worked those kind of hours. Maybe go back to work - your husband can work less and then you have more of an argument that he can be doing more

He doesn't want her to work as he is refusing to allow the child to be put in nursery. Sounds like a typical abuser actually.

So, what's your advice @OhCalmTheFuckDownMargaret?

By my reading, it's @fedupmomm's partner who needs it (although hasn't asked), but it sounds like you have some for her. I'm all ears.

This x1000.

Right now OP is totally dependent on this man. She is very vulnerable. Time to get back to work.

How have men gone backwards and become even more sexist recently?!

OP just split up. You can't stand him - rightly so - and at least this way he'll have to do some childcare when it's his turn to see the child.

You have my sympathies OP.

Ds1 was a very high needs baby/toddler. Screaming, head banging, he used throw almighty tantrums that at one point, I was convinced he had some sen.

As soon as he turned 3 and started speaking, he calmed right down. I forgot the last time he had a tantrum and he gets glowing nursery reports. Will walk happily walking my hand which would never have happened a year ago.

Meanwhile ds2 has always been a placid, easy baby. I was shocked that I had a baby that would sit in his highchair or pushchair without screaming. So don’t blame yourself if he’s acting up.

All I can advise is get out of the house as much as possible. I used to take ds1 to playgroups daily. I know it’s easier said than done if they have a meltdown in the pushchair! Take plenty of snacks and toys with you to keep him occupied.

Please leave this awful man.

I'm not usually part of the "LTB" crew, but your OH sounds irredeemable. I think you will find that you tolerate your toddler much more if you get 100% say in his parenting and have him in nursery while you get out of the house and work. Good luck to you.

I have never, ever said this on Mumsnet, because I know life is complicated and nuanced, but you need to consider leaving this man. He is a selfish prick who wants to control you.

So sorry OP, your partner sounds abusive.

As many have pointed out, I hope you can find work soon and slowly plan your exit.

With the toddler, please forget the instagram version of parenting. It's completely fine for your toddler to play while eating.

Forget about the silly high chair. Ours for ages ate either standing with food on a low table or sitting on the floor. Now they eat sitting at a child's table. Who cares?

Brushing teeth is a battle for most. I suggest teeth brushing songs, and starting with just water then introducing toothpaste just for a few seconds at the end once brushing with water is established.
Then earlier and earlier until you're brushing with toothpaste from the start. This can take months. Honestly, you're not alone.

Please cut yourself some slack and don't fight unnecessary battles.

On a practical note, does he have to be in the high chair? Our kids started hating it and we just ditched it in favour of sitting on a parent's lap or on a normal chair.

Also please don’t follow the advice of dashing to become a single parent.

I do think it’s glorified on here often but it really is much harder being a single parent (unless you have a lot of family who are willing to help). No guarantee of child maintenence and you can’t force the father to see the child. Ds2 dad hasn’t seen or asked about him since August. All financial stresses fall on you and dating is out of the picture of the father isn't having the child.

I was in hospital with ds2 last week and was so stressed arranging childcare for DS1. Thankfully dsm watched him. It’s even the little things like not being able to have a shower or wash my hair until the dc go to bed. Even if you have a useless partner, at least they can supervise the child and not all financial stress falls on yourself.

I feel so bad for you. I certainly felt a bit like that at times. You need to be able to put you first sometimes because if you go down everything else will go with you. Maybe try and have a proper sit down talk with your partner. It's not fair that he does nothing. Also a nursery would definitely help but maybe he's too young yet?

How old is toddler? I have a 2.5 year old and it is hard. She also has meltdowns at teethbrushing time, sleeps with me only (and doesn't sleep through the night), and finds focussing on food difficult. I think this is all within the realm of normal, but what is not normal is having a partner who gives zero help or support. You need to be frank with your OH that he needs to step up, that means he takes on lion's share of caring responsibilties at least 2 weeknights and weekend day. He needs to do dinner/bath/bed and take DC out on those days and you need to have time to do things for yourself, such as see your friends and go for a haircut. I also think you need to have DC in nursery at least 3 half days per week so you can get some housework done and relax. If OH doesn't agree, I'd advise you to seriously reconsider this relationship because the resentment that is going to brew between you if your 'partner' continues to do nothing is massive. Please don't put the blame on your child for this, your child is behaving like a normal toddler, your OH is behaving like a selfish dickhead. Believe me many many fathers love to tell mothers how 'easy' childcare is, and how 'you wanted a baby', while they continue to do none of the 'easy' work and plough on as usual. You do not have to allow this. My DH was similar and when it became clear he needde to buck his ideas or leave he did step up to the plate.

I think it would be easier on your own than having another adult around who refuses to help and totally opts out. I’m not surprised you feel overwhelmed. You’re in urgent need of a break and some time, even a few hours on the weekend, where you can actually rest. Would your family be able to take your toddler for a few hours? I’d be going nuclear on your partner anytime he makes a bitchy comment and be extremely clear opting out of helping is no longer an option. If he never has your toddler he will never get used to doing it. How dare he suggest you don’t appreciate your son because you need a break from having zero help or support. He’s being terrible to you, I’m so sorry!!

Leave your OH, you will get cms so he will continue contributing money. He will have to contribute to nursery fees, so have him in nursery a few mornings a week at first to give you breathing space. I have an almost 2 year old who doesn't go to nursery so am with him all day, who also cosleeps but crucially my husband works from home and will give him lunch or out him down for a nap some days, he also does bedtime and more than 50% of the cosleeping nights with him. You have a husband problem and the frustration is risking your relationship eith your toddler and worse, the risk of one day looking back and feeling regret at what should be a happy (mostly) time and you couldn't enjoy it.

OP, was the child a mutual decision? I ask because it sounds like he has zero interest in being a father. If it was unplanned and he made it known he was not on board, your best bet is to find work and outside help, and then leave. If it was mutual, tell him he signed up for this too and to step up, or else. And then follow through.

He doesn't want DC going to nursery so he can keep you under his control. Your whole life is taken up with childcare, keeping you exactly where he wants you.

I also agree that your OH needs to change or you need to leave. Start planning now if you haven't already. You have the rest of your life ahead of you - things with this useless man won't magically get better unless he decides to drastically change. I think you'd feel much better about your child if you weren't looking after them 24/7. Why is your OH making all the decisions, e.g., your child not going to nursery? He sounds very controlling to say the least...

Why is he working seven days a week ?? Is it to get out of the house or is to have enough to live on ? He won’t let the OP be away from their child, he goes out with friends, he goes on holiday and leaves her trapped at home.

He’s an abuser.

Is there a cultural empower balance between you where the husband makes the rules and the wife is expected to comply?

Pack a bag and when he walks in the door from work, you walk out the door. Stay with your parents or a hotel for a few days and leave him to it. Tell him you are at the end of your tether and it's his time to find out why.

Tell him he needs to see what it's like, it's his kid too. Tell him it's touch for one person alone and you're going to get a job and he can help with childcare and paying for it.

You do not need to be putting up with this.