To think unless you are ugly you’ve no idea what it’s like

[Riverrunswild83]

It’s made my life so difficult.
I understand about being a nice person etc and I am, I think. I try to be kind. I have hobbies. I don’t think I’m super dull or boring.

But I am ugly.

I a regularly ignored, even more so now I’m 40, and I’ve had friends openly laugh at the idea of me wearing a certain thing or going to a certain event.
I frequently feel more and more that the world is not set up for ugly people. It has hampered relationships and friendships and I believe my job prospects. It’s amazing how attractive people have an automatic advantage - this isn’t bitterness, it is fact. People flock to what they see as attractive and value it. Sure, I have made a reasonable reputation but I have had to work much harder for it.

I really think being ugly has made my life at least twice as hard as if I were average or attractive - from not getting served quickly in places, to struggling to make friends. People always assume if you are ugly you are worthless and increasingly I am starting to feel like I am.

AIBU to think the world is just not set up for ugly people?

I’ve always been unattractive and been overlooked. But it wasn’t until I saw the preferential treatment my dd gets (she is beautiful) that I realised what ‘pretty privilege’ is. She hates it too. She wants to be valued for her innate character not what she looks like on the outside.

Sorry but what on earth is wrong with broad shoulders? Most models have broad shoulders because clothes hang better on them. And bigger noses age better than tiny button ones. Flat hair? That's easy to fix. I'd guess you are far more attractive than you think!

And if you are a conventionally attractive female you get aggresively leered at and struggle to be taken seriously at work it's lose lose

OP I’ve been both ‘ugly’ and ‘attractive’

In school several boys used to pick on me, laugh at me. I was the joke at the school disco. One boy threw a coin at my head one lunchtime and said “that’s towards plastic surgery” and his little gang all laughed.

Then in my 20s and up to my 30s I grew into myself. Men suddenly saw me and I had so much attention. Random women would scowl at me, give me dirty looks or not smile back. I knew it was because I’d become attractive.

Both hurt, in different ways.

I think as women we are always judged and always will be. Too attractive, must be a bitch, too ugly, must be xyz etc.

Now I’m in my 40s I’m invisible and that suits me fine.

All that matters is your personality honestly. I was the same person but treated differently because of my outward appearance. Don’t let anyone change who you are inside though, they’re the issue not you.

OP I think the biggest problem here is not that your ugly is your self confidence and self esteem and thats not being helped by some of your so called friends.

Reading some of the other comments in the thread I'm really appalled that men have made comments on people's looks which is really disgusting.i remember one thing my late mum told me growing up if you have nothing nice to say then say nothing at all.

You have every right to wear whatever you want and go/do whatever you want in life. It makes no sense for friends to laugh at you.
I have always loved swimming and stopped going as a teenager because of my acne, wish I had just gone because I had every right. But I wouldn't go anywhere without makeup sadly.

Hope no one’s done that bloody Roald Dahl
quote.

It’s massively cruel and harder for women. I’ve been on the other side of it I’ve had significant advantages being conventionally attractive and anyone that denies that is being naive.

It’s grim getting perved and leered at though.

Those old Trinny and Susannah style makeover shows were terribly bullying, but they did demonstrate the huge difference made by a good haircut and colour, decent make-up and well-fitting stylish clothes in the right colour palette.

But also - shame on your friends for making you feel like this. I'm not conventionally pretty - my nose is too big, my hair too curly and my tummy too wobbly! And I had nasty comments from some people over the years e.g. from a boy at school years ago, or a bloke at a party who called me a big nosed Jew when I told him I wasn't interested. But my friends and family only ever say lovely things about how I look. I think my confidence in myself probably grew with my children thinking I was pretty - ds used to love pinging my curls when he was tiny. And that really helps!

This post made me sad OP. I'm sure you aren't ugly at all. Play to your strengths. No one is perfect.

5 pages of replies and no response from the OP

I’ve had friends openly laugh at the idea of me wearing a certain thing or going to a certain event

are you able to elaborate on this at all OP? Because I simply cannot get my head round friends doing this, in fact any decent people or strangers doing this.🤯

Being ugly is a choice this day and age, tbh. There are so many options out there from dressing better to suit your shape/style and then there’s extremes like surgery. I’m in no way, shape or form saying you need cosmetic surgery but if you genuinely, deep down think you are ugly and you think it’s hampering your life then you should look into how to rectify that.

Oh how charming. I can concur. A guy I said no thank to called me a fat nosed dog 😂. I have a pronounced hooter and it suits me so not harm done. And yes T&S bullying but there's also something to be said to r playing to ones strengths and enhancing the nice bits.

Barbara Streisand had a big nose but she was very sexy and beautiful in an unconventional way.

I used to get it as a teenager. I remember particularly being in a shop that was selling cheap sunglasses with about five 'friends' - everyone was trying the sunglasses on and making comments that were either admiring or constructively critical ('the brown ones suited you better" etc.). I dared to take off my normal glasses and try on a pair of sunglasses - they just fell about laughing, didn't take me seriously at all. There were other occasions with clothes and make-up but that's the one that particularly hurt.

In defence of them, we were 13/14 years old. Adult friends have never done this, though I've had plenty of abuse and derision from strangers, usually men - thankfully this tapered off as I advanced into middle age and became just another invisible woman.

My adult version of this is going to, say, a work event where everyone is dressed up and hearing the women say to each other 'You look lovely!' and variations on the theme, whereas no one says anything like that to me, because I don't. The best I've had is a compliment on my perfume.

However, I can well believe it has happened to the OP.

Tell me about this amazing cosmetic surgery that will alter bone structure ...

It exists!

I strongly believe that very few people are truly ugly. Most just don't know how to look nice. It's not about spending hours doing hair and makeup, a lot of it is down to how you present yourself.

I agree that Trinny and Sussanah could make anyone look amazing!

There's definitely truth in this and I've noticed it as I've put on lots of weight since turning 40. I cheer myself up by reminding myself that everyone loses their looks as they age! Getting older is the great leveller.

Also, not everyone is shallow. There are good people and good friends, hard to find but I've made a couple.

I know some physically attractive people whose horrible personalities make them ugly, and I know some physically unattractive people whose lovely personalities shine through their smiles and make them beautiful.

I have read all the replies. Thank god the roald Dahl quote only appeared once.

I don’t have any confidence but it’s hard to feel confident when you are aware you are ugly - and it is ugly. It isn’t plain or average. I’m not even sure why. It’s like none of my features go together. I am slim but it makes my face drawn. I have a problem with my skin and my eyes are very sunken now. I have tried with haircuts, creams, clothes, make up but it’s like that rather crude saying (once said to me) - you can roll shit in glitter but it’s still shit.
That’s me, unfortunately.

And I have had friends snigger quite often if I’ve expressed an interest in wearing a current fashion or I remember once saying I thought someone was attractive and they laughed then too - as in you haven’t got a hope. Well no, I knew that. I was just joining in the conversation and a lot of them were talking about people they thought were good looking.

It is hard to have confidence when your ugly appearance is highlighted all the time in lots of different ways.

OP I really think you need new, kinder friends. It’s hard to build confidence regardless of your looks if you are surrounded by ridicule and negativity. Your friends are utter shite.

I think you have to roll with the punches more, and brush things off. If you are slim, as a woman, that's half the battle (not saying that's fair, but it's true). I used to often think if a woman had a good body and decent hair (ie not completely flat), then she could fool certainly men into thinking she was stunning.

In terms of turning an ugly person into a perfectly acceptable one, look at Celine Dion. When you see her in her early days (teenage), she is one the the few people you would genuinely call ugly. But look at the result, she is no Cindy Crawford, but was fine.

I think almost every woman has had negative comments about their appearance. I am no beauty but I am fine (average face and hair, but good body in my younger years). But I remember plenty of comments about everything from having hairy arms (said by a boy in primary school) to a girl in my teens saying to me when I asked her if my swimming cap was on straight ' it doesn't matter if it is or it isn't, your nose isn't straight anyway'. And the most hurtful was hearing some (male) colleagues in my first job saying I looked like a cross between Lady Diana and Shaggy from Scooby Doo. That hurt, because it was true. But so what, you pick yourself up and move on. It's easy to find mean things to say, and people will, but it doesn't mean you are ugly.
If you can afford it, I really would get some professional help, along the lines of a makeover or one of those people who help you find what suits you. And if the issue is your skin, a dermatologist.

I'm sorry if you found my sincere message annoying, I am autistic and quite literal about things, so cynical people sometimes think I'm stupid/sentimental/naive and can be quite nasty to me, as you have been. I only ever say things I mean and believe. No need to be nasty to someone with earnest intentions.