To think unless you are ugly you’ve no idea what it’s like

[Riverrunswild83]

It’s made my life so difficult.
I understand about being a nice person etc and I am, I think. I try to be kind. I have hobbies. I don’t think I’m super dull or boring.

But I am ugly.

I a regularly ignored, even more so now I’m 40, and I’ve had friends openly laugh at the idea of me wearing a certain thing or going to a certain event.
I frequently feel more and more that the world is not set up for ugly people. It has hampered relationships and friendships and I believe my job prospects. It’s amazing how attractive people have an automatic advantage - this isn’t bitterness, it is fact. People flock to what they see as attractive and value it. Sure, I have made a reasonable reputation but I have had to work much harder for it.

I really think being ugly has made my life at least twice as hard as if I were average or attractive - from not getting served quickly in places, to struggling to make friends. People always assume if you are ugly you are worthless and increasingly I am starting to feel like I am.

AIBU to think the world is just not set up for ugly people?

I just think the word 'plain' is a bit less prejudicial than 'ugly'. Those of us who are genuinely ugly get dismissed all the time when we say we're ugly. I guess people are imagining Quasimodo-levels of hideousness and telling us we fall short of that. So if we call ourselves 'plain', people might have a better chance of imagining what it's like to NEVER get asked out, and for men to laugh in your face if you tell them you like them.

Your friends sound ugly if I’m honest, who would laugh at a friend wanting to wear something or go somewhere because they are ugly?

No matter how much effort I put in I am guaranteed to get a 'you look tired/unwell' comment :(

I don’t think plain and ugly are the same?
To me, plain people just blend in, but if they put the effort in, they can look nice.

There are some people who stand out for the wrong reasons, and I wouldn’t call them
plain. A cruel person would use the word ugly, but I truly think that once a person’a personality comes into the equation, the influence of looks reduces dramatically.

I know a horrible person who is conventionally good looking but I know they are an arrogant bully and an absolute arsehole, if you told me to imagine an evil witch, that’s the face I would choose.

Honestly I doubt you are ugly. I actually can't think of any people I know who I would consider 'ugly'. Maybe unattractive but even then they're people who aren't very nice so I think personality goes a huge way to shape your image.

I’m not sure I’ve ever met an ugly person. There are beautiful people and pretty ones and attractive/striking and then an amorphous mass of plain or unremarkable looking people . Ugly is a very strong word and it’s so sad you think this about yourself.

I think you are sadly right OP. I'm average and can look well sometimes and I've gotten along fine in life. I often get down about not being prettier but in the overall scheme of things I have been very lucky. The truth is there are people who are distinctively unappealing looking, it's rare but it happens sometimes. And the world seems to dismiss them. If you have a big personality or a unique talent you can overcome it but if you are average in other ways its extremely difficult. I find it very hard to accept my flaws so I can imagine it's even harder when you feel you've been particularly unlucky.

Your “friends” sound bloody awful and you deserve so much better. I have met some very attractive people in my life but their personality was so boring that I never wanted to spend any further time with them again. On the other side of the coin I have met people who weren’t conventionally attractive but by God their personality made them unbelievably sexy! I would take great personality any day

Recently I watched "Living With Yourself", a TV series starring Paul Rudd, who I consider a spectacular beauty. He played two versions of the same man -- one the "improved" version (i.e. the gorgeous Paul we all know), the other unkempt, ill at ease, full of self-loathing and itchy in his own skin. It was fascinating to see him turn off his beauty and become unattractive, and to do so without any prosthetics; he just seemed to think his way into it. It really drove home to me how much our attractiveness (or lack thereof) has to do with self-presentation and how you step out to meet the world.

Might this be an experiment to try, OP? Zhoozh up, shoulders back, say "hell, yeah" and step out with confidence for a whole day and see how people respond? Preferably without those ghastly "friends" who want to drag you down. You're worthy of better company.

It's like a disability in a way, with doors being closed to you.
Being deaf or blind is even harder and very little can be done to change the fact.
Life isn't fair 😟

Well it's not really the same though is it? At least there are, rightfully so, laws in place to protect black people and disabled people from discrimination. I can assure you that plenty of ugly people have not got jobs because their 'face doesn't fit' a brand/company.

There are also things in place to give black and disabled people a step up, be that through affirmative action and many workplaces have to be seen to employ a certain number of minority groups, ugly people don't get that. There are charitable organisations that help them too, any for ugly people to perhaps help with surgeries that could massively improve the quality of their lives? If there is I haven't heard of them.

I've been wondering this. There are some very conventionally attractive grads where I work who get promoted at the speed of light, have the seniors wanting to chat to them all the time etc. They are not bad people and not untalented but it just looks so easy for them compared to the less attractive or more socially awkward grads who are nice and knowledgeable when you give them your time.

I don’t think I’ve ever thought someone was ugly on appearance alone. If someone is clean/wearing clothes that fit and has a good personality then people will find them attractive.

This is good advice.

To those saying that the playing field levels as we age, I could not disagree more. Beautiful young people typically become beautiful older people. Trinny Woodall, Jo Whiley, Sandra Bullock, Cindy Crawford, Monica Belluci etc. are not suddenly invisible just because they’re 60.

As a lifelong ugly person myself I fully agree with you OP. I think it's really telling that so many people are saying that it's ok to be ugly as long as you're a good, kind, 'beautiful on the inside' person. I'm objectively ugly, I've been told so by enough unrelated people. I really internalised that message that I had to have a perfect personality. I thought to make up for it I had to please everyone, always be kind and helpful , never stop smiling, always the friendly volunteer, never receiving anything in return and of course not minding at all that I'd been forgotten again. I ended up deeply depressed. After coming through it I've never been able to stomach sucking up to people again. Life is so much easier without friends, I've never felt better since I stopped trying to compensate for my appearance and just began ignoring people. It's what they expect anyway, my personality matches my face.

Op I agree with this message RE needing new friends. I've voted yabu for this reason alone. Dump your horrible so called friends and find your peace! You're worth so much more than that.

I agree with this. As you get older OP, you may not feel so ugly and you may find the tables turning.

I’ve had friends openly laugh at the idea of me wearing a certain thing or going to a certain event.

they are not friends.

No one can deny the world is easier, much easier, for beautiful people. That's true. Being attractive doesn't mean being a classical beauty however. It's also possible to work on confidence, body, general appearance. You can "fake" beautiful to a point. True, you might not become a famous model, but people don't look at a still photo of you, they see the whole package.

Thankfully many people with terrible facial trauma are still surrounded by genuine friends.

I know some very successful and confident people, who could be described as "ugly" if their personality and confidence didn't hide it completely.

Your friends sound awful OP.

I knew these twins from my home city and I don’t know if they had some birth issue but they both looked very odd and strange. And yes most people I knew called them ugly.

I knew them through clubbing in my early 20s so don’t know how their school life was like but I can imagine they were bullied.

But these girls always dressed to the nines, danced like no-one was watching and had a revolving door of boyfriends. I don’t know how confident they really were but i loved how ok their Facebook they had their female friends all telling them how amazing they looked when they posted pics.

Everyone’s close friends should have that kind of attitude and if they are the opposite - like your friends - I’d consider them ditching them. Like even if they don’t want to compliment you they could at least not be laughing at you and actively making you feel worse. I can’t imagine having “friends” like that.

I get that this is a wider issue beyond how your friends treat you, but surely they’re making it far far worse.

You’re not wrong. I’m ugly too. I’m glad to be 40 now though since I’m treated with less mocking and hostility and I’m more invisible.

I have also been both very slim and borderline obese, there’s no difference, ugliness is the deciding factor.

Studies confirm all of this so at the end of the day it doesn’t matter if people deny it on here - you’re not being unreasonable since it’s established fact.

But I will say, personality goes a long way in dating. Regardless of my ugly face and being told I’m ugly by total strangers in the street and online - I have never struggled to find a partner, I’ve always had an easy time punching well above my weight in attractiveness too.

I have a friend who is ugly and it's not been easy for her and she has heard really mean things from a random people, but none of her friends would laugh at her suggestion of wearing something or going somewhere.

It’s hard when you feel this way. I agree there’s a real beauty privilege aspect, I was very aware of this when I worked in an office. I’m not conventionally attractive, mainly cause I’ve got a very obvious divergent squint (three failed operations)as ugly as sun in photos. I also don’t tan and am quite pear shaped with only one nipple (had breast cancer), despite being reasonably slim. However, this isn’t an ugliness competition. When I was approaching 40 I found my style, I dye my hair bright colours, do my makeup nicely, wear nice clothes etc. My hero is the late Iris Appel. This quote really resonated with me

No matter what you look like, you’re always going to be better off than someone going out of their way to tell you that you’re ugly.

it’s hurtful and unnecessary and says more about the person making such remarks than the recipient

Actually mutton dressed as lamb means an older woman dressing in clothes that are too young for her so that comment wasn’t about being ugly!

but nowadays, "older" women have proven that there are very few clothes that are "too young" for them. Thank god for that!