To think unless you are ugly you’ve no idea what it’s like

[Riverrunswild83]

It’s made my life so difficult.
I understand about being a nice person etc and I am, I think. I try to be kind. I have hobbies. I don’t think I’m super dull or boring.

But I am ugly.

I a regularly ignored, even more so now I’m 40, and I’ve had friends openly laugh at the idea of me wearing a certain thing or going to a certain event.
I frequently feel more and more that the world is not set up for ugly people. It has hampered relationships and friendships and I believe my job prospects. It’s amazing how attractive people have an automatic advantage - this isn’t bitterness, it is fact. People flock to what they see as attractive and value it. Sure, I have made a reasonable reputation but I have had to work much harder for it.

I really think being ugly has made my life at least twice as hard as if I were average or attractive - from not getting served quickly in places, to struggling to make friends. People always assume if you are ugly you are worthless and increasingly I am starting to feel like I am.

AIBU to think the world is just not set up for ugly people?

Honestly, I think you are incorrect.
I see very traditionally attractive people that look 'ugly' becuase of their style and personalities.
Same goes the other way.
You can be not traditionally pretty but light uo a room and be attractive.
Op needs better friends and a confidence boost.
Some people are shallow, that is a fact. These people tend to stick together and arent very nice and often obsessed with their looks and are vain. It's not attractive except to others who are like tham as it validates their vanity and shallowness.
This put people in two groups, vain and shallow, and not vain and shallow. The vain and shallow people will always find something ugly about other people, traditionally attractive or not.
The not vain and shallow people will always find something beautiful in another person.

Very few people are ugly. And most people can make their appearance more "attractive" if they put the effort in. I think it's easy to blame everything on being ugly, but I highly doubt you are

I'm so sad to read this. That's the state of society. I'd take good person over looks any day because being a kind and good person is way more valuable!

Only thing thats ugly is your friends.

Wear what you want

No, I think confidence is more has far more of an effect than looks (even in appearing 'attractive').

One of my friends is not conventionally attractive. But she has a magnetic personality, dresses well, and is incredibly self assured. She attracts attention wherever we go (both in terms of people fancying her and wanting to be her friend).

Another friend is objectively beautiful. She's incredibly self conscious though and tends to blend into the background because of it. I've rarely seen her let her hair down or speak freely in a group setting, even one on one she often spends most of the time pointing out some tiny perceived flaw that no one else would notice. She rarely gets attention when we're out and constantly complains that she's overlooked at work.

I'm sorry it's been your experience OP and your friends sound awful.

The world can be a horrible place.

I think it can be a problem if you are objectively beautiful that only the most arrogant and cocksure men will think they stand a chance. The rest will be intimidated/think you are out of their league.

I can't really vote either way. As I think a fairly good looking person I've definitely had a long wait at the bar and have been ignored and talked over rather a lot in my life. But perhaps being reasonably confident I put it down to being their problem not mine.

What is really unattractive though is pity and desperation. Just be as confident as the average fugly middle aged white man, or fake it.

Gosh, your internalised misogyny is off the scale.

The world isn't split between good looking people who lead good lives and bad looking people who lead bad lives. Most of us are normal people who live relatively normal lives totally seperate to our appearance. I also doubt you're hideously ugly, very few people like that actually exist, and I can't think of any. I think you have cripplingly low self esteem and have interalised it to centre around your looks.

Seperate to the celebrity sphere, most women are very plain anyway and get along just fine. Do you think Angela Merkel was lying awake at night worrying about her looks? Or Ruth Bader Ginsberg? Or Toni Morrison? Centering your existence around your percieved ugliness is a viscious cycle that will only doom you to struggling more and more.

Im genuinely raking my brain trying to remember if ive ever looked at somebody and thought "ugly".
I dont think i have. Its a weird thing to think about others given that you have what you're born with and its irrelevant to your value, unless you make a living from looks which very few people do.

We are our own worst critics, and the likelihood is that while you're going through life thinking youre ugly and its all people are aware of about you, others really arent paying that much attention because theyre too busy worrying about their own shortcomings.

That and your friends suck.

My initial response to your post was that I don’t know anyone who’s actually ugly based on looks alone.

Then I thought really hard, and I remembered that there is one lady who I work with, that when I met her I thought “oh poor thing” about an unfortunate aspect of her appearance. An unkind person would say she was ugly.

Thing is though, I had completely forgotten about that snap ‘first impression’ I had of her. She’s a great lady, very knowledgeable and excellent at her job, fantastic sense of humour. I don’t even register how she looks now, she just is who she is and I like her a lot!

So I think YANBU in that being conventionally unattractive can be a hinderance when dealing with particularly unpleasant strangers, but YABU in thinking it’s a general disability in life because most people don’t actually give a crap what you look like.

Ah when you hit my age - you become completely invisible and it's lovely....

Far more people in the world are not conventionally beautiful but even a cursory glance at some of the most successful and admired women in the world will tell you it doesn't hold you back. Mindset, on the other hand, can cripple anyone.

It's right about not registering how people look after a bit. When Simon Weston came back from the Falklands War with an appallingly burned face, there was shock to see his appearance at first. Decades on he doesn't look much different but I just think "Oh it's Simon Weston" when he's in the media and doubt I'm alone in that.

Society has always valued beauty and even more than that youth. However, humans have an amazing capacity to adapt and normalise, given time. If you are letting your appearance and perceived "ugliness" define your life and constantly judge yourself harshly, others will pick up on that and join you in it. You have as much right to occupy your space on Earth as the objectively greatest beauty who ever lived and I hope you can find the confidence to enjoy that life.

Your friends aren’t friends, get rid of them. Find some new friends

I totally hear you OP! I remember that gradual realisation that I was the ugly one. I never knew as a child, no-one ever made me feel that way but when puberty hit I got whacked with the ugly stick and boy did society make sure I was aware.

I could predict the comments on this post too. I don't think there's any malice in the 'I bet you're not ugly' 'there's no such thing as ugly' posts but proves your point that some people really have no idea.

I hate the word ugly. You are not ugly.
But I accept you believe you are. And I accept you probably don't fall into "conventional attractiveness". There's a reason stunningly beautiful people turn heads- because they're uncommon. They're outside of the norm. Most of us in the average category. We're all quite average. Even "pretty" or "nice looking" doesn't turn heads.

Do you know the truth how I see It ? Nearly all the "ugly" or very overweight women I see- are all married with kids. The plain Janes always are.

The "striking" or "beautiful" people I know of, struggle with relationships. Either because a man is way too threatened to have them as their partner or the person themselves has so many eyes on them that it's hard to make a choice and stick to it when there's just so, so many other options.

I'll be honest here, I've never dated anyone better looking than me. I've always gone "safe" , because I'm insecure. Not a great sentence that. But it is honest. I'm intimidated by "good looking " men and would feel really insecure dating one.

I bet there's a lot of men that also feel that way thinking of dating beautiful women.

So, what I'm getting at is: "beautiful" isn't always what everyone wants.

@Someone2025 Well I made the effort for a date some years back - I was young and slim too. Parked a little way from our meeting point so had to walk to meet the guy in the middle of town. Thought I looked half decent until some twats (at least 4) in a silly little souped up car slowed down and shouted, "Ever heard of mutton dressed as lamb?!" before laughing and speeding off. Clearly they meant an ugly girl trying to make herself pretty. I thought, at least I'm intelligent enough to know how to use that slur in the right context!

Also, yes, I believe beautiful people get treated better, but generally by the opposite sex.

I think (particularly women ) are not given the same treatment with their own sex. If anything, I think they're met with cattiness, jealousy, bitchiness and scorn. I know of people this has happened to.

Horrible losers. All trying to impress each other with their little boy bravado. I hope your date cheered you up somebit 😞

I find it interesting to see how many people deny that ugly is a thing. Perhaps if we reterm it as being 'plain' rather than ugly. Ugly conjures images of faces that scare babies and horses and stand out in a crowd. Being 'plain' generally means that however well you dress, however much make up you wear and how much money you spend on your appearance, you will never be regarded as 'the good looking one'.

But most people are plain and ordinary looking. If we were all stunningly beautiful none of us would be the good looking one. The fact that most people are plain looking means that the odd very good looking person stands out.

I think most of us plain people would rephrase that as ‘no matter how well we dress, no matter how much make up we wear and how much money we spend on our appearance, we will never be regarded as even average-looking ’.

And you know what? That’s not a catastrophe.

It was awesome thanks! @heidyho Judging by how they liked to kill time I doubt they were enjoying any dates.