To think unless you are ugly you’ve no idea what it’s like

[Riverrunswild83]

It’s made my life so difficult.
I understand about being a nice person etc and I am, I think. I try to be kind. I have hobbies. I don’t think I’m super dull or boring.

But I am ugly.

I a regularly ignored, even more so now I’m 40, and I’ve had friends openly laugh at the idea of me wearing a certain thing or going to a certain event.
I frequently feel more and more that the world is not set up for ugly people. It has hampered relationships and friendships and I believe my job prospects. It’s amazing how attractive people have an automatic advantage - this isn’t bitterness, it is fact. People flock to what they see as attractive and value it. Sure, I have made a reasonable reputation but I have had to work much harder for it.

I really think being ugly has made my life at least twice as hard as if I were average or attractive - from not getting served quickly in places, to struggling to make friends. People always assume if you are ugly you are worthless and increasingly I am starting to feel like I am.

AIBU to think the world is just not set up for ugly people?

Ugly beautiful is just one dimension. People suffer as much if they are low on the intelligence spectrum. Or emotional quotient or social connections or poverty.over all, maybe it all levels out unless we are really unlucky and draw the short straw on all of the above? Does that happen very often? I don't know. I know that I suffered terribly from being compared with my ornamental sister, who was supposed to just have the right to be, while I had to slog and prove myself always because I was not pretty. Then I came across some people who were actually really falling short intellectually. And I realised I had never even thought of my privilege in being born smart!

I agree, OP, that trite comments telling you that you're not ugly by people who don't know you are not helpful.

We are all on a spectrum of 'attractiveness', I suppose, but different people will have different preferences and opinions. I've fancied some men in my time whom my friends found distinctly ugly!

I haven't got any 'magic bullet' advice but I agree with pps who say - ditch those horrible, unsupportive friends. You sound like an interesting person with a lot to offer, so seek out better relationships if you can. Ageing helps - not so much for the reasons given on this thread (pretty young people often become pretty older people!) but many people become a bit less shallow as they mature - and you might find your sterling qualities are valued more as you get older. But hold on to your self-respect and don't feel grateful for just any old company. Be as picky as the next person. Honestly (just as in sexual relationships) it's better to be on your own with your autonomy and self-respect intact than being treated like a second-class citizen and hurt and mocked by 'friends' who want to make themselves feel better.

I know you're 40 (which is still young these days), but if I were talking to the younger you I'd say - OK, being realistic, it's going to be a bit of a battle sometimes, with human nature as it is. So be even more tough than the pretty people. People who think they're unattractive sometimes feel they have to be super-nice, accommodating and forgiving - in order to have friends at all. Don't fall into that trap! Value yourself and gradually the message will get through. If I were being very cynical I'd even say - if others are going to treat you badly, then feel no guilt about being ruthless with anyone who tries it on.

And for teenage/young women particularly, I'd advise them to have a few choice phrases and put-downs ready for the inevitable disgusting comments from horrible men. If they have these ready (a range, for different situations), and even practise them, they'll be able to come back hard on any w***s who attack them. I'm sure it would be good for their self-esteem.

You can see from this that I'm not an idealist - I'm a realist and even a cynic! But I think you have to be in this context.

People suffer as much if they are low on the intelligence spectrum. Or emotional quotient or social connections or poverty.

Those things aren't always immediately apparent though. No one is saying other groups of people don't have it rough for other reasons but being ugly comes with its own unique set of problems.

One of those problems is having your experiences of being ugly dismissed and rubbished by others, which we've seen tons of on this thread already.

The women I know who are not very nice people do far better with finding relationships (and staying in them) than the lovely women I know who are unfortunate looking.

I find better attractive people do have more success finding relationships but not necessarily keeping them. I find 'ugly couples' tend to do better long term because their relationships aren't based on surface level attraction but something deeper. Perhaps there is more trust that they wouldn't cheat too I don't know but I definitely have seen more attractive people in toxic, horrible, short term relationships overall.

x-post

I came back to this thread because I find it uncomfortable.

Would you use the same standard when judging other people like He is ugly, therefore he is worthless. She is ugly, therefore she is worthless.?

If that’s the case, I’d be surprised at how judgmental it is. If not, then it’s not about appearance. It’s about confidence and self-awareness.

i'm another one who thinks you're probably not ugly. i see few genuinely ugly people and i say this as a person who rates themselves as a 5/10. most people are in the average range - some towards the exceptional and some towards unfortunate but not outright ugly.

I see a lot of people who doll themselves up with make-up, eyebrows, tanning themselves, making extra effort with grooming/flattering clothes and getting lucky with their body shape.

I don't see swathes of people with perfect features, amazing jaw lines and a face that has well laid out features.

i mostly see average bodies. I see better body shapes and less body fat in younger people.

how have you been overlooked in life and how are you sure it's because of other people being better looking than you?

More trust that they wouldn't cheat - is interesting. Do you mean you think ugly people are more trustworthy and faithful than attractive people or do you simply mean there is less chance for them to cheat as less people would want to sleep with them?

Also I think it's unfair to say that attractive people's relationships are surface level attraction as that implies you cant be attractive and have a good personality which is of course not true.

The judging based on appearance is often subconscious. Can’t imagine anyone admitting to it, simply because they wouldn’t have even noticed.

donyounhave more weight to lose or are you thin now?

Wait, what?! Did Amy Winehouse have a big nose? I genuinely didn’t notice. I am going to look at some pictures of her.

I can’t see where Amy Winehouse had a big nose. Maybe she had a nose job?

She wasn't ugly in the first place.

YANBU OP
I have been the ugly little duck. Having been plain/not good looking as a child (pre teenage years) and being very attractive since my later teenage years and adulthood, I 100% agree with you OP.

I remember as a child I was always the one being told off by teachers, other parents, or friends, even if I hadn’t done anything wrong. My conventionally good looking, blond friends with blue eyes, with their angel face, were never punished, it was always me taking all the blame. I put it down to my darker features... I am 100% of white origin but was “mocked” in the playground, with kids asking me which country I was from (it was in the 80s…). Until the age of about 14, I was invisible to boys whilst my friends got all the attention.

From the age of 15, I started styling my hair (blow drying), using light make up, dressing well… I was lucky to be quite tall and very slim naturally so the base was alright. I started getting more attention, adults became more sympathetic towards me.
But the real difference has been at work. It’s fair to say I’ve enjoyed “pretty privilege” throughout my career, been promoted at the earliest opportunity, always get to sit right next to the big bosses at work dinners, get anything I want… Many times I’ve had very senior people openly telling they’d much rather sit next to me or spend time with me than others… (at the same time I’ve always acted in a very professional and diligent way, treating people well, being very polite and respectful with anyone, from assistants to top management… So it probably also helped me navigate through the organisation).

This period as the ugly little duck has left scars unfortunately. It is probably why I have become a “people pleaser” and get too preoccupied by my physical appearance.

Ok

healthybychristmas · Yesterday 22:55

HunnyPot · 19/05/2025 10:47
Does your budget stretch to some surgery? Look at JK Rowling, she had a few tweaks and it made a big difference?

She wasn't ugly in the first place.

I second this! Gosh, this is an example of the problem - that in 2025 we see any kind of devation from some ideal as 'ugly'. I've come across this in real life. Someone will say 'X is lovely' and someone else responds 'She's ugly because her nose is too long/her lips are too thin' etc.

It's a spectrum, and even then, it's hugely subjective. I agree with pps that I very, very rarely see anyone I'd consider ugly. I hate judging people by their physical appearance, and I would never give anyone credit or kudos just for being attractive, just as I wouldn't think less of them for being unattractive.

But I think that some people have had such a rotten time of it in the lottery of looks that they get sick of being patronised and told they can't be ugly. This idea hasn't come to them in a vacuum - it's what they've learned from their experience of the world. People can be horribly cruel and it's just a depressing fact of life that we get judged and valued so much for an accident of nature which we have no control over. So when OP says she's ugly, let's not patronise her with platitudes. It's not a word I'd use, but I'm not questioning OP's own opinion. I think 'ugly' people need support in dealing with the world as it is, rather than just being patted on the head and told it's all in their imagination.

I've lost three stone, in an ideal world I'd like to lose another half a stone or even a whole stone, but I seem to have plateaued at 10 stone. I can wear a size 12 in most shops and even a 10 in some, so I'm okay with that but I'm stll technically overweight. Not yet in the 'healthy' range of BMI.

Thank you. Often, us fuglies have been told frequently. Absolutely nobody I know who is average looking gas been stopped in the street by a stranger and told, 'sorry, love, but you are really ugly'. I have never forgotten it, it was a woman and it was apropos of absolutely nothing. And she isn't the only one.

Telling me I am not ugly flies in the face of my lived experience of the world. Yes, there are some nasty people, like that lady, but I bet she wouldn't be saying it to all these 'average' people PPS bang on about.

It wasn't that one time either. People think I'm deaf as they very audibly comment to their mates 'she should've been born a man' or sometimes just plain 'urrgh'. I have been barked at as well.

@grooveraidiator please tell me all these average people who have this experience? It's not just the openly rude buggers, either. It's the subtle. The people trying to be kind. In my case it was also the frank disbelief people couldn't quite manage to hide on seeing my husband, who is not unattractive. I still appreciate the older lady who was director of an amateur dramatics show I was in saying to members of the cast who were commenting on my husband's looks responding to them with, 'why shouldn't she have an attractive husband?' Even she knew what they were getting at.

We aren't all silly, vain fools or suffering from body dysmorphia. We know. We have mirrors and even if we didn't, people can't help telling us. Yes it's mean, but it's very specific and it isn't just random, is it?

And for teenage/young women particularly, I'd advise them to have a few choice phrases and put-downs ready for the inevitable disgusting comments from horrible men. If they have these ready (a range, for different situations), and even practise them, they'll be able to come back hard on any w*s who attack them. I'm sure it would be good for their self-esteem.

This is a very good idea, @CoffeeCantata . Maybe we can set up a Classics thread to list witty comebacks and retorts for the various situations that continue to bedevil womankind.

My personal favourite, for when people criticise my looks and/or clothes, is to smile creepily in their face and say "Oh my, isn't it a good thing YOU don't have to rely on your personality or intelligence!"

FWIW, I'd class myself as "pleasantly ordinary, scrubs up quite well". But if people want to be mean, or to take you down a peg, they will find something horrid to say no matter what you look like. Best we be prepared.

I just searched for 'beautiful women' on a well known image site, and the first ten images were of young white women with even features and big smiles. When I used the same site for 'ugly women', the first ten images were: two old witches (the sort you see in horror/fairy tales), an old woman, two rotund women, women looking angry, sulky, 'messy' and so on.

I know this is not ground-breaking research, but it seems that if we are not young, 'pretty' and sweet , we are 'ugly'.

The so-called beauty standards also need questioning. They may not rise out of harmless reflections of what is 'attractive'.

The idea that big noses are not attractive could arise from older prejudices and antisemitism. The assumption that looking young and being young are key factors in beauty could be based on the idea that women should be childlike, and ready for breeding. The cultural assumption that if women are angry, or peed off they are 'ugly' could be an echo of older superstitions about the power of female emotion.