To think unless you are ugly you’ve no idea what it’s like

[Riverrunswild83]

It’s made my life so difficult.
I understand about being a nice person etc and I am, I think. I try to be kind. I have hobbies. I don’t think I’m super dull or boring.

But I am ugly.

I a regularly ignored, even more so now I’m 40, and I’ve had friends openly laugh at the idea of me wearing a certain thing or going to a certain event.
I frequently feel more and more that the world is not set up for ugly people. It has hampered relationships and friendships and I believe my job prospects. It’s amazing how attractive people have an automatic advantage - this isn’t bitterness, it is fact. People flock to what they see as attractive and value it. Sure, I have made a reasonable reputation but I have had to work much harder for it.

I really think being ugly has made my life at least twice as hard as if I were average or attractive - from not getting served quickly in places, to struggling to make friends. People always assume if you are ugly you are worthless and increasingly I am starting to feel like I am.

AIBU to think the world is just not set up for ugly people?

This is great - I will remember this!

I know many beautiful people and let me tell you something, none of them are beautiful on the inside and that makes them just as ugly on the outside! beauty fades but beautiful souls shine forever!

There is no such thing as 'ugly', peoples tastes are wildly different.

An interesting point to consider is that with the current world population even if you think you are only in the 0.001%, the remember that that 0.001% of people that think you are 'pretty' is still 8,062,000 people. That's a lot of people that think you are pretty.

Most people look average, unless you have unusual deformities (like for example the 'Elephant man' who was studied as an oddity) then most people won't notice you (or anyone else) day to day as we are all focusing on our own lives. This is the same for everyone regardless of if they are 'classically pretty' or not.

There is also a terrible flip side that people who fit into categories deemed more 'sexual' or 'fertile' (often mistaken for 'pretty' by some because like your post they can attract lots of attention... often unwantedly) end up facing lots of negativity and sexual harassment often though no fault of their own (for instance no one can control the size of their breasts or their curve of their hips etc...). Many want to be taken seriously as human beings not just hit on by horny creeps, its not a wonderful blessing in life.

I am very weird looking.
I was badly bullied by peers and my own family throughout childhood. I had so many comments and insults from strangers as a young adult. It’s all left its psychological mark on me, although therapy has helped.

I am now in my 40s and agree that the playing field has levelled. I am physically very fit and strong. I have mastered styling my curly hair which was just frizzy and awkward when I was younger. I am much more comfortable in my own skin. I have a job that I love and I am good at. I am funny, thoughtful and a good friend.

I agree that not being conventionally attractive or even “normal looking” is a huge disadvantage when you are younger. However, it’s not something that has much of an impact as you age……..I’m loving aging!

Does your budget stretch to some surgery? Look at JK Rowling, she had a few tweaks and it made a big difference?

I have a different take on this. I was conventionally pretty - small, blonde, even features - until a chucked boyfriend decided to rearrange my face, breaking my nose and leaving scars on my nose, forehead and under my eyes. My sister is the only one who says shit like - it’s such a shame, you were so pretty.

ive just got on with life - had some laser and 2 ops but nothing will get my face back. I’ve met a man who I know is not after me for my looks (!) and is not constantly comparing me to how I was before because he didn’t know me then.

I still act as I did beforehand - am still confident and no shrinking violet. I don’t slather make up over the scars but don’t talk about them either.

He was sent to prison. I saw him a while ago on a dating site ( watch out if you’re in Bristol). He’s gained a few stone and 3 chins and has lost all his hair. He’s now a very ugly fucker indeed. Karma’s a bitch.

Of course being ugly affects your life. But so does being coloured, disabled, different, I could go on. You just have to accept your lot in life.

While good looking people do have it easier than others, I think being well groomed and dressed (not necessarily in expensive clothes) and carrying yourself confidently go a long way in how people see you. Being positive and happy in yourself make a huge difference too. Surround yourself with other happy and confident people, observe what confidence looks like and implement some changes. There are a number of online stylists on youtube that give excellent advice and show you what to wear and how to wear things to suit your body frame. You do not need to look like a supermodel but you do need to make an effort in dressing well and keeping yourself well groomed. If you feel you are not conventionally beautiful and feel like this is holding you back, I would focus on the things that you can change or do differently. It can change your life.

It really shows when people make an effort and look after themselves vs when they don't. If you don't look after your appearance (regardless of your natural features), people will think you don't care and they will mentally dismiss you. But this is for sure something that you can control so I would focus on this.

Omg I'm so sorry, what an evil b*ard. Katie Piper came into my head when I heard your story 😞 I'm delighted that karma has hit him.

Op, I doubt you are half as ugly as you think you are, most women no matter what they look like can look attractive if they make an effort with their appearance

As Helena Rubinstein once said
‘There are no ugly women, only lazy ones"

OMG what terrible experiences, brought a tear to my eye. Life is harder if you are not conventionally attractive.
It comes down to two things in my experience: (1) Excess weight which you can do something about in most cases and (2) looks - again there are make up tutorials that allow even the most plain faces can be made to look attractive.
I am just curious if you have tried the latter and if it worked for you?

Thank you. TBH I never think about it now - unless I see some one from ‘before ‘ who hasn’t seen me since and they ask what happened. or my sister !

I wonder if ‘acting pretty ‘ is a confidence trick that would help someone who doesn’t like their looks.

People aren't all meant to look exactly the same. Attractiveness comes from people's character, openness, honesty, humour, kindness etc.
Not everyone is Hollywood stunning. Nor should they be.

i know what you mean. I have lost a lot of weight in the last year. I have dropped 3 dresses sizes heading to four. I do notice I am treated differently by strangers than I was at my old size.

A prime example is this weekend I was buying makeup in a Department Store. There was a lady waiting to be served before me. She was my old size and had clearly been waiting a while. However when the staff member was finished serving the person she was serving she came over to me. I had to point out the other lady was waiting before me.

You are not wrong, either about society valuing attractiveness or setting the standards of what is or isn’t attractive at any point in time. I think pretty or attractive people can sometimes develop early an innate confidence which then allows them to have a self belief in how they present themselves so they have other successes. But sometimes their confidence isn’t that deep, they may resent only being valued for their appearance.
I grew up simply believing I was ugly, then I added overweight, then I added a medical condition which has affected my appearance. I tackled some of my lack of self belief and that made me able to care less.
Find your own style, work out what works best for your body shape and lifestyle, then follow your taste in terms of colours and accessories. I am sure that when you meet someone and are talking about hobbies or subjects that interest you your enthusiasm will show, you will be more animated and they will see a different person from the image you see in the mirror.

your friends sound nasty! i grew up being considered quite ugly (physically large - tall, fat etc) with glasses, freckles and ‘unpleasant’ features. however as an adult i am very confident in my skin which i feel has a lot to do with how i am considered and treated. i do my hair and makeup the way i want, i take pride in my personal style and i surround myself with people who care for me and uplift me. i am still tall and fat with the same features ive always had but feel i am beautiful and considered as such due to the things that make me interesting - my hobbies, personality and style which are things i choose. there are many people who aren’t conventionally attractive who are very beautiful and alluring due to these things. you are definitely right that ‘ugly’ people can be treated differently but in my experience the only ones who treat me poorly due to my appearance are random people who don’t know me, which i have learned not to care about (though it is difficult!) i am sure you have lots of beautiful and interesting qualities and im sorry you have been made to feel otherwise. please try and focus on spending time with people who make you feel good and see if you can also find role models to look up to (even as adults we need them!) — if not celebrities maybe well known figures in a field or interest you’re passionate about where the focus is not their appearance but rather their skills or talents. sending love and i hope you kick your “friends” to the curb!

I get you OP. To a degree, as I have lived both experiences.

I was not a good looking child, nor teen. And a bit quirky to boot, so that didn't help me in school. I had men shout things to me from across the street, boys/girls in school would just be down right mean and nasty. Calling me names and i did end up with a terrible nickname at school. I even had a teacher mock me, unbelievably.

But, I am one of those very lucky people who got better looking with age. I grew into myself I suppose. Or maybe it was acceptance of my lot and it shows. So now I get compliments instead of being bullied, and I find it them quite hard to accept. Having been on the other side of the coin too.

So, if there is a chance it is down appearing more confident about myself, so I kindly urge you to try take some steps to accept yourself as you.

The majority of people are not naturally attractive. Some put more effort in to aspects of their appearance they can control, hair, clothes, body and so make themselves as attractive as they are able to. Other people don't. So within the big pool or plain/ordinary/flawed that is normal humanity, you get some who have made themselves more attractive than others, and yes, it probably helps them to meet partners and possibly sway interview panels. We are a society that values good looks. But this doesn't mean its not set up for those who don't have them, because that's most people.

@MayWelland well said. I know there are conventions of what counts as attractive but I truly don't believe there is a formula that makes someone ugly and that's that ?! Not at all

I don’t agree, I wouldn’t describe myself as ugly and I don’t think I know anybody else who I would describe as ugly either.
This may shock some of you judging by the comments but I am blind in one eye and the eyelid muscle doesn’t work meaning one eye is permanently half closed. Due to a birth defect and operations to help that defect I also have one ear much smaller and lower down on my face, I also have a red scar running from my ear down to my lip.. sexy huh!!
I was bullied at school for this but whatever, they were just kids. I have never had anyone in my adult life make me feel unattractive. I’ve had pleanty of boyfriends, I’m married, have a good job and friends , I’ve been told I’m hysterically funny and I know I’m a fantastic mum.
You should try and challenge the way you think, you sound very unkind to yourself.

Sorry, this just isn't true. And it's pretty offensive to be called 'lazy' because you are ugly.

I do think it’s true, I have seen some amazing transformations

As I read on a thread the other day, we've all grown up in a judgemental society, so it is unsurprisingly that we've internalised its message.

I'm another one who was the quirky, odd and ugly child at school... basically, the bottom of the heap in the looks stakes! I got bullied a lot because I looked different, and people's eyes would drop to stare in horrified fascination at my teeth when I spoke. I'd been bullied and judged so much that I couldn't face looking at myself in a mirror. The difference in people's attitudes towards me when I got braces was unbelievable... so, yes, people seem to think that it's fine to be horrible to anyone who looks a bit different.

In terms of your 'AIBU to think the world is just not set up for ugly people?'... Being "pretty" doesn't make you a nice person, and I don't know about anyone else, but I'd rather be a nice (albeit slightly odd) person than a pretty one. Also, if I was pretty, I might have to be "cool" like my classically better-looking sibling, and that is not for me!

Not to toot my own horn but I'm physically beautiful. Like, have had complete strangers of both sexes randomly tell me. I also considered myself a good, kind hearted person. I have also dealt with bullying by women for my looks. Don't be one of those women. You can lift up others without putting people down.

I remember being about 19 years old and two guys were sizing me up. One guy said I had lovely hair and the other guy said yeah but her face though.
It's always been that way for me. People say things like "oh don't be harsh to yourself" or assume I have low self esteem but I know what I look like. I have accepted I have to keep myself up more than others and I won't get certain privileges.

People won't understand unless they haveexperience the looks of disgust some people give when you talk or just exist.