To think unless you are ugly you’ve no idea what it’s like

[Riverrunswild83]

It’s made my life so difficult.
I understand about being a nice person etc and I am, I think. I try to be kind. I have hobbies. I don’t think I’m super dull or boring.

But I am ugly.

I a regularly ignored, even more so now I’m 40, and I’ve had friends openly laugh at the idea of me wearing a certain thing or going to a certain event.
I frequently feel more and more that the world is not set up for ugly people. It has hampered relationships and friendships and I believe my job prospects. It’s amazing how attractive people have an automatic advantage - this isn’t bitterness, it is fact. People flock to what they see as attractive and value it. Sure, I have made a reasonable reputation but I have had to work much harder for it.

I really think being ugly has made my life at least twice as hard as if I were average or attractive - from not getting served quickly in places, to struggling to make friends. People always assume if you are ugly you are worthless and increasingly I am starting to feel like I am.

AIBU to think the world is just not set up for ugly people?

I see this time and time again. The women I know who are not very nice people do far better with finding relationships (and staying in them) than the lovely women I know who are unfortunate looking.

Men can still fancy an attractive woman even if she’s brainless or bitchy, because the surface interest is there. Whereas women tend to be disappointed if a good looking guy doesn’t have a personality to match.

Definitely not Mardy enough to pick fights on here anyway.

Yep, being pretty means that you can get away with being not very nice in relationships and also “crazy” as in possessive, verbally abusive, even violent because it’s all okay if you are hot.

Oh come on. Men can fancy an attractive woman with no interest of their actual brain and personality, of course, it doesn't mean they will have any interest in building an actual relationship.

Women are just the same! How many have had a "hot boyfriend" at one point or another, while firmly believing this would go nowhere.

Also calling a man "a prawn" is a thing. It's not pleasant, but it's out there - amazing body, sorry face.

Interesting thread and comments, I’ve had a new woman start at my work who is stunningly beautiful. The reaction to her from some of the other women has been disgusting, lots of.. “She needs to get over herself” and “She’s probably really boring” None of these women had been ugly to me before but they are now, silly bullying just because they’re insecure.
I brought it up with the new woman on a lunch break yesterday and she said she’s used to it, it’s been happening to her since school and she just blocks it out now.

I don’t agree with you. It’s not appearance that makes a good impression. It’s mood and attitude. People can instinctively sense when someone is in a bad mood, as it shows on their face, and they tend to avoid negativity and gloominess. A positive tone of voice can also create a good impression.

Most importantly, people don’t spend time thinking about or judging someone who isn’t important to them. Other people’s opinions aren’t what matter. What matters is how I see themselves. To be honest I don't know who can define ugliness.

I want to comment on the crooked nose part.

I have a long thin straight pointy nose which I hate and my friend has a slight hump on hers. Interestingly, we both got called the same name at school for our noses even though they are different. I feel like a witch with mine and yet she likes my nose!

Out of the 2 of us, she is by far the better looking. She is beautiful and that doesn't change for me when she turns to the side and see her nose shape. If anything I agree it adds to her looks and she would be so generic like all the other people who have nose jobs. It's none of my business if she decides to or not but I think there is character in nose shapes and a lot of them suit our face types even though I feel the same way about myself which is hypocrisy I know.

I don't judge others by the way I judge myself which is sad.

Sorry you are going through this OP. It's hard. Firstly I would ditch the friends. They sound awful.

As for what else you have said...
I'm ugly, I'm genuinely believe I am. I have a huge nose and I'm not talking Amy Winehouse or even Cleopatra it's more a very big witchy nose you might see in children's books.
I had nice eyes and skin when younger but now I'm 40 my skin is wrinkled and one side of my face seems to have fallen.
I have a weird hair line and huge forehead..I'm grey and have put a few pounds on.

I don't have any advice apart from why not cultivate your interests and hobbies as a distraction?
When I was young I realised I wasn't going to get anywhere on my looks.
Whether subconsciously or not I made myself a music geek and people have always known me as that girl who likes weird bands 😅
I don't have much time for that nowadays but I like running and climbing ...I have some muscley arms and my bum is ok from running. I guess I'm going for 'nice body shame about the face' 🤣

I'm in no way minimising how you feel.
But there are other ways we can be worthwhile other than looks.
You may have noticed at 40 that your better looking friends may have started to age.
It happens to everyone and we can't do anything about it, whether pretty or less so.
Do what you enjoy, get rid of negativity, come off social media if you need to and focus what makes you feel good inside.

In what way are they not very nice?

We place far too much value in attractiveness

I think most people do it subconsciously too

I am surprised you think he is ugly. I don’t. far from it. His actions may make him seem ugly but I always thought he was quite good looking.

The other thing about all this looks talk is that beauty standards are cultural. White European standards of beauty seem to have taken over the world.

I think this is mixing up a number of things. Firstly, gaining a bit of weight in middle age does not mean that someone is no longer beautiful. Beautiful with a little extra weight is still better looking than plain with a little extra weight. Also, how one feels about their weight gain / fading looks has no bearing on how objectively good looking they are. A plain person who has made peace with gaining weight isn’t more attractive objectively than a beautiful person who is devastated by their weight gain.

And btw not everyone just accepts weight gain in middle age. At my pilates studio there are plenty of very slim, toned older women.

I have often thought of myself as ugly but when I reflect on it I really have no idea what it means*. I can’t recall ever meeting an ugly person myself (met plenty with ugly behaviour). And what about people with so-called deformities? Are they all ugly.

*it was a word used by others to describe me and I just took their word for it.

But what people call you reflects more on them than you. I've been called every adjective by various different people and at different times in my life, ugly, fat, beautiful, sexy, pretty, cute, ....they can't all be right or wrong. I choose not to give a shit either way

How do they know you are larger when you are in a car? I think by the time they see you they will already be in whatever manoeuvre you think they are doing due to your size. What I mean is I think people decide their driving manoeuvres before they see the person in the car

I love this attitude. One of my DSs has this attitude. He is not conventionally good looking, with a visible physical disability, and is very short for a man which can also lead to easy weight gain. He decided he could either spend his whole life fretting that he was so short no woman would ever love him and he'd die a virgin, or he could stop caring, wear what he liked, have real attitude, be as sexy and confident and funny and fun to be with as possible and see what happened. He has zero problem attracting women.

I've just googled him to have a really close look at his face. He's not ugly. I can't say I find him especially attractive either, but I don't think you could call him ugly. He's average looking at best. Just ordinary.

Pretty privilige is unfortunately a thing.

There is a British actor who, when I first became aware of him, perhaps 30 years ago, I would say I found him to be quite ugly. I am not going to say who his is, but over the years I've watched him play many different roles and he is such a fantastic actor that I don't see him as ugly any longer. He's never going to be described as handsome, it's true, but he has a charm and a warmth about him. He has a lovely smile where his eyes crinkle, which is very endearing. He seems like a really nice person and his face has a lot of character to it. My perception of him now is completely different to back then.

Actually, if I put my mind to it, I could probably think of dozens of people I feel that way about. When I first saw them my immediate reaction was that they were physically unattractive, or 'funny looking.' But the more you look at a face and like the person attached to it, the less that first impression holds.

Technology has influenced how we perceive attractiveness and it’s easy to be affected by what other people think.

I would say invest in yourself if you don’t already do so - discover what you like to wear, what fits you well, which colours suit, play up your strengths, whatever these may be.
If you’re happy with how you feel about yourself you’ll exude confidence which is attractive in itself.

Unfortunately this does seem to be the case. I've been overweight most of my adult life but have recently dropped a couple of stone. All of a sudden people in cars are waiting for me to cross the street, random men ask if I need directions or help with my luggage, shop workers are lovely to me, I had some guy recently ask if I want him to escort me home to make sure I was safe (he was sincere not a predator). These are not things that have EVER happened when I was overweight.

I don't think I'm particularly attractive but yeah, thin privilege is apparently a thing.

Sorry for the ramble OP, I'm sure you're not ugly x

Are you quite sure it's only a couple of stone you've dropped, and not ten?

I've recently lost 3 stone and I can't say that complete strangers treat me any differently at all.

I'm only 5ft so it's very noticeable!

Well I am only 5' 2 so there's not much difference!