To think unless you are ugly you’ve no idea what it’s like

[Riverrunswild83]

It’s made my life so difficult.
I understand about being a nice person etc and I am, I think. I try to be kind. I have hobbies. I don’t think I’m super dull or boring.

But I am ugly.

I a regularly ignored, even more so now I’m 40, and I’ve had friends openly laugh at the idea of me wearing a certain thing or going to a certain event.
I frequently feel more and more that the world is not set up for ugly people. It has hampered relationships and friendships and I believe my job prospects. It’s amazing how attractive people have an automatic advantage - this isn’t bitterness, it is fact. People flock to what they see as attractive and value it. Sure, I have made a reasonable reputation but I have had to work much harder for it.

I really think being ugly has made my life at least twice as hard as if I were average or attractive - from not getting served quickly in places, to struggling to make friends. People always assume if you are ugly you are worthless and increasingly I am starting to feel like I am.

AIBU to think the world is just not set up for ugly people?

I bet if we actually saw a photo of these people who insist on calling themselves ugly, we'd all just think they were average looking. Like the pp, I don't walk round and think wow what an ugly person at anyone. Most people aren't amazingly beautiful or supermodels are they? It's like the incel culture...these men who are apparently incels are usually totally average looking blokes...their actual problem is invariably social awkwardness rather than their looks. I have known all kinds of very ordinary, even verging on unattractive men be able to attract women with their confidence, humour and personality.

Does anyone else look worse when they smile? My face goes witch like when I do. I look like a Disney wicked witch. No glowing skin or beautiful eyes, just sinister looking.

I've never been chatted up or flirted with by men. I remember chatting with a guy once, I laughed at something he said and I think he then thought I was flirting with him, got incredibly offended and started making cruel comments and looking at me with disgust.

You couldn't be more wrong about an emotive topic and I wasn't attacking you.
If I'm misunderstanding, so be it, we'll leave it there. No need to get passive aggressive with your assumptions that you're upsetting me though. I'm a 50 year old woman with a shaved head 🤣 I couldn't give a tinker's cuss what you think of me.

My nose spreads across my face when I smile 🤣 It's big anyway, but at least with a straight face it's err... Straight!

Smile, and my nose smiles with me!!

Literally every statement here is quite blatantly false (except perhaps the one about you being 50 with a shaved head, I wouldn't know and I don't know why it's relevant) and it's simply cementing in my mind that you are seeing things as you are and not as they are. But we knew that.

I've only been told I'm beautiful or pretty when wearing makeup.

Without makeup I'm very plain. With rosacea. 😒

I definitely get treated better when I am wearing makeup. But then I feel better when I do. I'm also very overweight but have a passing face with makeup on.

I've had comments in the past about my weight though. Usually from young guys.

it's not?

No one is claiming everyone has perfect features. Having ugly teeth doesn't make you ugly though.

I bet many people have looked in the mirror and honestly believed they were ugly. I have. I have cried looking at my face. Apparently I am not ugly by any standard. Other days I am ok with what I have got, and work with that.

I look worse when I smile. Scrunches my face up in an unappealing way!

There is a kind of man who loves to think that everything women do is intended to snare him and he absolutely loves to feel like he's cutting them down to size. I've no idea what you look like but this guy was rooted in sheer misogyny and, I suspect, the type of male rage that comes from what some men see as women's sexual power over them. Try not to let it take up any more of your thoughts. That's what makes him happy.

What I needed to hear was how to accept my looks, not all the things I could do to make me look 'better'.

Ugly people usually hear about it from other people. It's not just that we can see it, it's that it's enough for people to comment on. It's not simply that someone says your hair isn't nice, or whatever.

I have been called ugly by strangers in the street. It's not just my opinion.

Telling someone a crooked nose can be beautiful is great if you don't follow it up with 'if you just...'

What I am talking about is living with what you look like, rather than the well-meaning notions of finding ways to minimise it
'You could be pretty if...'

There's no 'if'. I am not pretty. What I needed was not to hear how I could be pretty if....but how to accept it and make it less of a barrier in my life.

Okay.

You carry on.

Please do, it'll amuse me for a while.

This is one of the saddest things I’ve ever read. Get yourself some different friends @Riverrunswild83 and book yourself in for some counselling.

Sending love and strength 😍 👊 😍

I am very plain, and also now a little overweight (working on it) and I know what you mean. There is definitely a “pretty privilege” in the world.

I look better when dressed smartly and with make up but am very ordinary really.

Rise above the “friends” (they are not by the way). As we age, the playing field definitely levels out.

It helps to have friends who are also plain and ordinary, and a partner who loves you.

Is that the Royal 'we' or are you now speaking on behalf of the entirety of MN?
I don't mind either way. I just wanted to be clear.

You let it all out.

Telling someone a crooked nose can be beautiful is great if you don't follow it up with 'if you just...'
Maybe I expressed myself badly, but my point was that a crooked nose is just a nose. Some will like it, some won't. Some will think it's a flaw, others will think it's making the whole face beautiful.
I have seen people looking much more attractive with a crooked nose than with their new tiny straight surgery built nose.

What I needed to hear was how to accept my looks
I wouldn't be able to say that because I don't believe in this however. You have to work to accept yourself to a point, but if something is really bothering you, you should work to change it. Life's too short.

It helps to have friends who are also plain and ordinary

I suppose I can see why being surrounded by stunning people might not be good for your self esteem, but it seems a shame to form your friendships this way. Most people, by definition, are ordinary.

I love faces with a bit of a quirk.

I don't understand George Clooney being so revered as handsome. I suppose he is classically, put him next to Robert Peston though and I know who's flingy mad hands I want 🤣

Oh that's 2 threads now... The other one, I want Jarvis Cocker for PM.

I might have a type. Skinny and needy!

Nerdy, not needy.

No, not needy!

Well im considered conventionally attractive and no one likes me so I don’t agree op. I think people like confidence and interest in others. Im an aloof arsehole.

And mardy with it?!

They did, but my god, all the boob grabbing would get them cancelled now.

You ignored everyone who said you need better friends. You may be ugly, but there are ugly people with confidence, with charm, with good friends. You don't sound like you're ready for any of that.
Unfortunately there's nothing a bunch of strangers in the Internet can do to help you with that if you don't help yourself. Google "self compassion".

Apparently this is known as uglyhot.

A person who is in no way, shape or form conventionally attractive but everything they do, how they talk, how they walk and the way they move is so incredibly hot that it makes them somehow better looking. Is still centered on physicality, but is more about how they use their body/body language than their ugly faces. Coined for my former high school Chemistry teacher; are often tall, gangly and interesting men like Chris Martin from Coldplay.
Urban Dictionary.

Someone with a great body but ugly face is referred to (by incels) as a butterface.

A girl with a body off of baywatch and face off of crimewatch.
Urban Dictionary.

Jeez, Ive a face only a mother could love - not that she ever did, but hey ho

OP - ditch the so called "friends"

Being the ugly one used to crush me as a younger woman, always at the back of the queue , the last girl to be asked onto the dance floor and all that

Being the "ugly one" meant I had to get noticed in other ways - I became the wit - and the brains

Surrounding myself with like minded people has really helped with my confidence. My friends are supportive of me , not making bitchy comments

Im a lot older now and Ive settled into my looks, it is what it is, not all the money in the world will make me pretty but who the hell cares ? I dont and those that do arent on my radar

Ditch the so called friends and find people who like you

No just listened to the similar sounding song and has to pick a username.

I'd guessed Mardy Bum.

I thought aloof and mardy would be a winning combination.

Just me then.