To think unless you are ugly you’ve no idea what it’s like

[Riverrunswild83]

It’s made my life so difficult.
I understand about being a nice person etc and I am, I think. I try to be kind. I have hobbies. I don’t think I’m super dull or boring.

But I am ugly.

I a regularly ignored, even more so now I’m 40, and I’ve had friends openly laugh at the idea of me wearing a certain thing or going to a certain event.
I frequently feel more and more that the world is not set up for ugly people. It has hampered relationships and friendships and I believe my job prospects. It’s amazing how attractive people have an automatic advantage - this isn’t bitterness, it is fact. People flock to what they see as attractive and value it. Sure, I have made a reasonable reputation but I have had to work much harder for it.

I really think being ugly has made my life at least twice as hard as if I were average or attractive - from not getting served quickly in places, to struggling to make friends. People always assume if you are ugly you are worthless and increasingly I am starting to feel like I am.

AIBU to think the world is just not set up for ugly people?

I’m sure you’re not ugly!

But do you want to change your appearance? If so, the majority of people are capable of drastically improving their appearance if they want to and know how to. But you don’t need to!

What?!

Even ugly people find partners

🤣

Oh @Riverrunswild83 surely you can see that you are far more attractive than this poster.

I agree.
I'm in my 50s now and sort of feel 'normal' in that most people's looks start to fade now anyway and no-one takes any notice of me facially really, although I am my worst crtiic.
I was probably aware of my looks around 8 - that other girls were pretty (although I have always been slim - had a decent figure which has helped) and it seemed to work for them in terms of popularity etc. I was also bullied about my looks for most of secondary until sixth form age really when people matured a bit. Also didn't really have much male interest although did marry and have two kids who are much better looking than me.
I def struggled to find work after uni, but I did eventually, I am sure that was some bias on looks as getting interviews wasn't hard. i still really struggle with job interviews and will stay in jobs longer than I should because the thought of being 'judged' is awful - and that makes me way more nervous.
I don't find it hard making friends as an adult, probably because I go out of my way to be friendly and have a decent personality. I still have close friends from my teen years (mainly not from school).

There’s quite a lot of other pressure on men though - height, body type etc. and while men get called dicks if they express a preference for a certain physical type it’s fine for women to say they’d never date someone under 6 foot.

I feel I am with you in being ugly. The word itself is surrounded in some form of denial by a large part of society. I find it liberating to have some validation. The concept of ugliness and rejection of people perceived as ugly does exist in society. Widely. Consciously or unconsciously, most people want to belong with the attractive. Like racism is a thing of the past, denial of the existence of thos phenomenon adds another layer of difficulty for those who are experiencing it.

Yes height is a big thing for men. And how much they earn (even if women arent interested in that a lot of men still feel they should be the provider).

I had a conventionally beautiful sister. From the time we were very small children people would comment on her looks and buy her gifts. While leaving me out. It was devastating and the feelings of inferiority because of my looks stayed with me my whole life. When I grew up people told me I was beautiful too but I never believed them. When I lost weight for the first time even my beautiful sister started to copy my clothes, hair etc. Suddenly I was supposedly the beautiful one. It was intoxicating. And quite sick.

This thread has been so helpful, reminding me that I need to continue to work on my self esteem. It really doesn’t matter what the world outside thinks of me. The worst thing is when I start to treat myself as though I am “ugly” or worthless.

Yes, I don't see what's so controversial here. We get these threads from time to time and there is always, understandably, sadness about the lack of sexual attention. But as I said, ugly people find partners and have happy relationships and families all the time so it really isn't the inevitable tragedy some people come to think it is.

I don't buy into the whole "but nobody is ugly" thing, though. I used to say that sort of thing but then I realised I was actually offending people. They felt I was denying their reality, dismissing it, and essentially making it about me by saying "but aren't I so wonderful, I don't think anyone is ugly" and you know something, they were right. Some people are extremely beautiful and by the law of averages, some people fall right to the other extreme. It doesn't mean they aren't lovely people who deserve and can find love and happiness, but essentially telling them their situation doesn't exist isn't helpful.

The comments about how there’s no such thing as an ugly or unattractive face are really patronising and disingenuous. Of course there is - this isn’t just something in people’s heads and someone who has grown up attractive doesn’t have a clue what it’s like to not fit that ideal.
Also the comments about how the playing field is levelled after 35. Yeah right. And how women become invisible after 40. Oh yeah like how Anne Hathaway, Kim Kardashian, Shakira, Angelina Jolie, Scarlett Johansson et al are invisible to men. Sure they are.

The comments about how there’s no such thing as an ugly or unattractive face are really patronising and disingenuous. Of course there is - this isn’t just something in people’s heads

Put much more succinctly than I did, thank you. Yes, I don't think it's helpful to essentially tell people they are imagining it. But with that said, they can and do still find happiness and love, as I see every day.

Can't speak for anyone else but do we have to be both? I meet the basic appropriate normal society rules without all the 'feminine' stuff, i wore a school uniform and now work clothes and appropriate wedding/funeral clothes type thing that is where it ends

Remember the hot felon? The gangster whose police mugshot got him signed to a top model agency. He married and had a child with an heiress (since split up I believe). He must be a millionaire. All because women swooned over his looks and made him famous. How sick is that?

Yes it's true and it ties in with beauty being in the eye of the beholder. I could look at a building and think it was ugly or a certain breed of dog but the person standing next to me might disagree.

Each of those women you mention are considered amongst the most beautiful in the world. And yet almost all of of them has been treated badly by their partners some even discarded for younger women.

Agreed! I was openly described as ugly throughout my school life, but one comment that stuck with me was "she's no oil painting but she has a great personality" and without being false I worked on that aspect and it worked for me, especially now that I'm well over 60 now. I've recently (intentionally) lost a lot of weight and noticed that people definitely talk to me more.

There is undoubtedly such a thing as "pretty privilege".

'Discard' You mean a relationship breaksdown, So these younger women are forced into relationships with older men?

I presume they have some say in the matter?

one thing I regret about being messed up by looksism is how it made me a bit prejudiced about looks. Of course I didn’t realise this was the case when I was younger but now I can see that I was always trying to get validation from trying to get attractive men to fancy me. It led to a lot of heartache. I should have gone for supposedly less physically attractive men and could have had a happier life.

Sorry. I worded it badly. I mean that even those beautiful women have had men leave them for younger women.

I have come to the conclusion as I age ungracefully that no one is ugly , that this is just a perception that we mainly place on ourselves.Or society has created.

I did not feel like this in my youth l, I felt extremely ugly. It limited how I was in the world - I regret this.

I wish for you that you discover your beauty and let it shine like sundrops ( to quote Dhal- or misquote )
It is all about energy and self love.

Your friends are arseholes ..

Like others I'd like to think more about your friends OP.

There have been numerous threads on here describing how an OP's friends were unpleasant to them after they lost weight - seems to be a real phenomenon that some people get used to having a "fat friend" as it makes themselves feel better, and they can't cope with the friend no longer being overweight.

I wonder if it's similar here, that your friends feel better in themselves for thinking of you as the "plain one" and so they shut down or laugh at any suggestion of perfectly normal things like you wearing something nice or noting that someone is attractive.

I had this from a friend when I was a geeky and unpopular teen. I wasn't even ugly, I'm just ordinary looking.

Not suggesting you entirely ditch your friends but I think it would be worth reflecting on why they are doing this - they might not entirely consciously realise it themselves.

I wonder if you could try joining other groups where looks are (or should be) irrelevant e.g. walking group etc. So you're less impacted by what that one friendship group do. Good luck OP.

Well yeah but that doesn’t mean they are invisible, which was my point. People saying that after 35 the playing field is levelled because women are all invisible. Having a shitty partner can happen to anyone at any age - eg Tiger Woods, Ashley Cole etc cheating on their young beautiful wives. That’s separate from the insistence that women over 35/40 are invisible.

The comments about how there’s no such thing as an ugly or unattractive face are really patronising and disingenuous.

it's not.

Unattractive is subjective anyway, but ugly with no hope of being attractive? No.

and again, people deal with the whole package. You can absolutely "fake" beautiful. You won't be the most stunning woman in the world, but confidence and how you work on your appearance is what makes all the difference.

Some of us need to work harder than others, that's all.

Life is not fair and this is hard, but it is the way it is. You cannot control the hand you are dealt, but you can control how you play them. Yes, it is easier for attractive people. I grew up thinking this, but also I did not enjoy the stares or comments I got when walking by. Imagine a young girl in her teens getting whistled at constantly. I hated it and did not like the attention.....I am now in my 40s and thank goodness those whistles and comments or stares do not happen anymore. I did not let myself go and look the same, just slightly aged (did not want to go for the botox or other enhancements...wanted to age naturally).

You can always exercise more, lift etc to help get into great shape. Make sure you are groomed etc to look your best self. Trust me there are many people that work so hard at looking good. You can make a huge difference with little tweaks.

But just remember the grass is not always greener on the other side and attractive people also have to deal with the same things or other problems...

Yes I agree as I have been both sides of this coin.

You need to get rid of your friends though.

The way the world treats a beautiful young woman is insane. It’s like being with a celebrity.

Had a hilarious interaction getting coffee for dd2 and her friend. I was literally standing right next to them (and paying for everyone) but to the 20 something make barista I was quite literally invisible! I had to wave and say “err I would like a coffee too!”