To think unless you are ugly you’ve no idea what it’s like

[Riverrunswild83]

It’s made my life so difficult.
I understand about being a nice person etc and I am, I think. I try to be kind. I have hobbies. I don’t think I’m super dull or boring.

But I am ugly.

I a regularly ignored, even more so now I’m 40, and I’ve had friends openly laugh at the idea of me wearing a certain thing or going to a certain event.
I frequently feel more and more that the world is not set up for ugly people. It has hampered relationships and friendships and I believe my job prospects. It’s amazing how attractive people have an automatic advantage - this isn’t bitterness, it is fact. People flock to what they see as attractive and value it. Sure, I have made a reasonable reputation but I have had to work much harder for it.

I really think being ugly has made my life at least twice as hard as if I were average or attractive - from not getting served quickly in places, to struggling to make friends. People always assume if you are ugly you are worthless and increasingly I am starting to feel like I am.

AIBU to think the world is just not set up for ugly people?

Given your chosen opening sentence, I’d say you’ve still got quite a bit of work to do on your own inner life.

Firstly, you need new friends.

I grew up miserable with my face and jealous of my prettier friends. Friends who often had men fancy them, show attention, make moves etc. Now I’m older and nearing 40, I’m starting to appreciate not getting attention from men and realising that I’ve managed to not have many uncomfortable, awkward of often scary experiences as a result.

I know this is never going to happen but how amazing would it be if every single woman decided that as at 1st June they would stop wearing makeup, dying hair, getting eyelashes, eyebrows, nails done, getting botox etc, getting cosmetic surgery and every one of us was just 100% natural. I sometimes look at older TV programs even just from the 80s and there was a much more natural look even just back then. How much time and money we would all save if the beauty industry just didnt exist if we all just stopped buying into it.

Why are you friends with these people? They're cunts.

why on earth would I want to do that?

Regardless of what was fashionable today or elsewhere, society where I live has some "beauty" standards, and some women are classically stunning. They will be found beautiful by at least the majority. Perfect and even features, their photos look amazing, and real life even more.

I am not a classical beauty, far from it. Why on earth would I not use the tools I am lucky to find to improve my own appearance? I can work damn hard so my body doesn't show my age (when fully clothes😂) but my face needs help.

I am bloody lucky I live in a time where there are ways to make me ok with what I see in the mirror, I am not giving up on them.

I have never bought into it, but we keep on hearing 'society expects it' but who, what or where in society

And why can't people think for themselves

Wise words!

Blimey.
Thank you.

I mean erm.. Of course!

Because it would only work if everyone stopped. Anyway I was more just thinking out loud. Just in relation to the comment from the woman talking about how much more money she spends on her appearance compared to her husband.

And why can't people think for themselves

who say they don't?

I’ve never been attractive. Battled my weight my whole life. But I’ve never let it get to me. I have romanced and flirted with the confidence of a size 6 supermodel. Done business like a poet dressed Oprah. Dressed in whatever the fuck I want.
Works for me.

No it was more just thinking of the comparison with men. How they dont spend the same amount of time or money or effort on all this as it doesnt exist for them (although its slowly starting to go that way). I wonder how many more generations until men have a makeup department 😆

I’ve had friends openly laugh at the idea of me wearing a certain thing or going to a certain event.

What?? Unless you are completely deluded and have told them you intend to model for Vogue then they are not your friends. What is the context to this please?

Sorry to derail but I absolutely love this and I shall carry it with me all day, thank you!

Well going by 'society makes me wear make up, have botox, etc.' I presume they dont

I feel as though my life has been an experiment that proves OP’s theory. I have yo-yoed in weight my whole life. When I am fat I feel I become ugly and invisible and am treated appalllingly. When I lose weight the world becomes an entirely different place. Doors literally open for me that are shut in my face when I am fat. A friend once suggested it was because I am more confident when I am slim, but you get very confident when people constantly tell you how wonderful you look. I love myself even when fat but I have to admit it can sometimes be a very depressing experience.

when I am fat I listen to body positive podcasts. The women on there advocate against diet culture but unless I want to continue to be treated badly and excluded I see no alternative but to lose weight. I try to keep my self talk positive and not be hard on myself.

i don’t think I am even all that fat. I am size 12 but quite short so I really feel it when I gain weight.

A boyfriend (ex) once told me after I gained weight that I had gone from looking like a superstar to being just ordinary. I was a size 10.

I would never take weight loss jabs.

The comments saying you have to chose between your "worth" and your appearance are completely idiotic. You can do both.

You can be highly intelligent and educated as well as beautiful, you can be stunning and kind. None of them are related.

I agree with a poster above, I have never seen a truly UGLY face. It's probably different on a dating app, but in real life, you have a whole person, voice, charisma, general appearance, personality. I have seen people who don't seem to care much about their appearance, fair enough, people with scars, all sort of faces, but actually UGLY? No.

Some people might find a "Disney face" the most attractive, others will prefer a more "interesting" one for choice of a better word. There's no right and wrong.

my male friends do spend time on their appearance you know.

It's a lot more focused on the body, but teeth, hair! and plastic surgery for men is common too. It might be less on make-up (or not at all) but men who "let themselves go" as you hear are not seen as terribly attractive.

I think this means that you do know the kind of looks OP is talking about and why they would have a detrimental effect on someone. The fact that you personally don't find it unappealing is beside the point.

I feel for you having to go through this, OP. There may be only so much you can do with regard to your looks but you can definitely ditch these nasty non friends and find some decent people. Also, the evidence of my eyes suggests that there are plenty of less attractive, even ugly, people who still find partners and have children, and if beauty made a perfect partnership, Hollywood would be full of the longest, happiest and most faithful marriages on earth.

A size 12 is not fat. I had the opposite problem growing up skinny. I would hear people say things like "real women have curves" and that made me feel like I wasnt a 'proper' woman because I didnt have squidgy bits. I felt less than and insecure.

I just can’t imagine someone being genuinely ugly. What I mean is that I know so many people and none of us look alike, any more than same hair colour or eye colour or similar figure but I don’t know anyone who I would describe as fundamentally ugly. I’m not meaning to say that I live in a world of beautiful people or anything like that. I just think you must be being incredibly harsh on yourself and must have been surrounded by awful people to make you feel that way.

I also don’t buy into the shit in glitter idea. If the clothes, hair cut and make up you have aren’t working for you, keep trying. Ignore fashion, look to vintage or unusual fashions, get some good advice on hair cuts and hair care. Get a real makeover. He’ll, make up fan literally change the look of people’s bone structure these days! There are ways to make yourself feel good and people you can surround yourself with who won’t make you feel worse.

Like I said the male beauty industry is slowly increasing.

As an older person I can say that time really is a great leveller. For the most part. Everyone seems to gain weight as they age. I would even say that sometimes plainer people age better than those who were attractive and especially more than people who were once beautiful who can feel devastated by their loss of looks.

Which makes you attractive. You sound great, who wouldn't want to know you?

I love this too!!! Thanks to all of you!!!! So refreshing to hear this on MN.