To be upset that my therapist wanted to forcibly end our relationship when I was 7 months pregnant?

[AreYouThereGodItsMeHarriet]

I’d been seeing her for roughly 18 months on and off when seemingly out of the blue, midway through a session, she said she thought we should end our relationship because she felt I was too attached to her. She gave me the option of just ending there and then or having one more final session for closure.

I’d lost a baby a year previously and she had supported me through that time. For her to not at least see me through the subsequent pregnancy felt absolutely awful. Yet she said it shouldn’t matter, that there’s no shortage of other people who do the job she does and that the relationship with a therapist shouldn’t be any more emotional than the relationship with the builder who builds your extension.

To cut a long story short, she was able to be talked round and agreed to keep things going. However she says my strong reaction at that time was unusual and is indicative that I have some quite serious problems.

I’ve been surprised by this view if I’m honest. Surely not many people would take being abandoned by a therapist under those circumstances completely in their stride? AIBU?

Interestingly, when I had therapy (30 years ago), I disliked my therapist; when I ended the 'relationship', she was quite astonished!

As a midwife, I've had people look me up on social media, texting/calling on my work phone after our professional relationship is over to talk or tell me updates about their life.

With respect a midwife is very different to a therapist, and the relationship is completely different. A therapist should be able to assess and manage risk, know how to deal with out of session contact and be able to manage boundaries appropriately. They should be able to use all of the things you mentioned as part of the therapy, because they tell us something about the client that would be useful to explore.

If we were limited to living in a binary, black and white world, then you are indeed one hundred percent correct.

But thank god we don't. You are missing my point entirely

No we are all allied healthcare professionals. I think people would benefit from hearing therapists pov on terminating clients.

So they were perfectly correct when telling the OP to go somewhere else as soon as possible so a properly qualified therapist can start working with her.

Theres a way to have that conversation though, which recognises the need for a planned ending, acknowledges the 18 months they’ve worked together and centres the reason for the ending in the therapist rather than the client doing something wrong. A planned ending, even if it’s unwanted, can be a good, healing experience - deciding halfway through a session that you don’t want to see the client and blaming them for that isn’t a good ending.

Apologies, you are right. In my locality and own experience the only therapies provided and available, regardless of thr issues are the toolbox, limited session types, whether private or NHS funded. I understand this and probably should have added that this is possibly not the case for everyone and the quality, approaches and offers will likely be better, or worse, depending on area.

I am a therapist, I’d cut my own arm off before ending work with a client in the way the OP described. And different professionals have different roles, responsibilities and ethical requirements - what’s appropriate for a midwife would be very inappropriate for a therapist and vice versa.

Although turns out therapist in fact did a 180 and offered a much more gradual ending which the OP was grateful for, so she's not that bad and should be working.

That might be a flaw in your practice rather than a good thing. It might show that you're unable to recognise when a situation is acutely unethical in your quest to be there for the client, personally.

No, I’m very aware of my competence and have made the decision to end with clients when I wasn’t the best person for them, for whatever reason. I have good supervision and am clear about my ethical duties.

What I wouldn’t do is work with someone for 18 months, decide mid session to tell them we were ending, suggest the reason was their fault and not offer an appropriate ending. The decision by the therapist to end might well have been the right one, their manner and means certainly wasn’t.

So the therapist has 'feelz' (a childish, dismissive word).

But the OP has 'feelings'?

I think that says it all really.

I would never say that to a client. I would say "I have an appointment."

However if a client outright asks if I have children I have at times responded in the affirmative if I felt this would make the client feel more comfortable to discuss their issues. I do not volunteer the information.

My issue was more your blanket statement of "you should not know this" (about your counsellor) As there are times where a client will know this about their counsellor. I would never offer their names and ages as this is not relevant for the client to know.

Completely agree with this.

You say you were with her for 18 months 'off and on'. Could you say some more about this?

It's in her second post: I’d actually been quite long periods without seeing her at all. I saw her initially around the time of losing my baby but then barely saw her until about halfway through the subsequent pregnancy and had only just started to step the sessions up again at the end.

😳🙇🏻‍♀️

I didn't say that, somebody else did.

I'm glad you have been given the ending you needed Op and best of luck x

What you say has nothing to do with the question.
I don't think OP did anything to threaten the therapists safety so much that she needed to terminate the therapy with immediate effect.
It was a dangerous and irresponsible act on the part of the therapist.
If she felt her boundaries were threstened she should have got professional supervision.
I so dislike blaming the victim which so many people seem to love on MN!

How do you know?

OP said she didn't go in for any stalking behaviour etc.
So far as I'm aware only some serious threat would have justified the therapist's behaviour. In that case, one would imagine the therapist would contact the relevant agency eg police, acute psychiatric services.
I know she can't have felt genuinely threstened by OP because she then agreed to carry on seeing her!

I once asked my therapist if she had any really weird personal experiences with any clients. She was very nonchalant and said “oh all sorts! Had people say they fancy me, love me, that I remind them of whomever”

”oh god! What do you do with the ones that fancy/love you?”

”we work through how it’s not real and is a projection/transference and that’s a gateway to the deeper work”

so, if my fairer sex therapist can be breezy about people lusting after her, I’m sure OP’s therapist should be able to hold decent boundaries too.

Exactly this. It’s very common, normal even, to have strong feelings about your therapist, or to be attached to them. A good therapist will use this therapeutical for the patients benefit. Not suddenly stop the therapy, or shame the client by telling them have serious problems because of those feelings.

If they felt unable to work with the client they should end the therapy in a planned way over time, support them in finding someone else, and make clear it was their own limitations as a therapist, not the client at fault.

I cannot imagine anyone would vote YABU after seeing this update. Take good care of yourself.