To be upset that my therapist wanted to forcibly end our relationship when I was 7 months pregnant?

[AreYouThereGodItsMeHarriet]

I’d been seeing her for roughly 18 months on and off when seemingly out of the blue, midway through a session, she said she thought we should end our relationship because she felt I was too attached to her. She gave me the option of just ending there and then or having one more final session for closure.

I’d lost a baby a year previously and she had supported me through that time. For her to not at least see me through the subsequent pregnancy felt absolutely awful. Yet she said it shouldn’t matter, that there’s no shortage of other people who do the job she does and that the relationship with a therapist shouldn’t be any more emotional than the relationship with the builder who builds your extension.

To cut a long story short, she was able to be talked round and agreed to keep things going. However she says my strong reaction at that time was unusual and is indicative that I have some quite serious problems.

I’ve been surprised by this view if I’m honest. Surely not many people would take being abandoned by a therapist under those circumstances completely in their stride? AIBU?

It’s not irresponsible at all. Therapists have to do what’s best for the client. By the sounds of things the OP has been happy with her work up until now so the therapist doesn’t sound negligent.

OP there are different types of therapy (eg cbt, person centred, psycodynamic, emdr, psychotherapy) and there is no single qualification that allows you to call yourself a therapist. I can legally call myself a therapist with no mental health training at all. Or I could have taken a weekend course. Or I could have studied for 4 years, alongside having ongoing professional supervision and my own 4 times a week therapy.

Your therapist sounds undertrained and undersupervised. They handled your ending terribly. In long term therapy an ending should never be sprung on a patient in such a short timescale and never at a stressful point in your life ie the birth of your child. A good ending takes weeks or months of preparation to work towards.

Being attached to a therapist is usual in long term therapy and can be used theraputicly and managed appropriately.

This sentence stuck me right between the eyes
However she says my strong reaction at that time was unusual and is indicative that I have some quite serious problems.
So her response to the "quite serious problems" she's labeled you with was to withdraw mental health support?

I am furious on your behalf. If she has a professional body I would report her to them, but I would suspect that she doesn't.

OP, I'm not sure if you're in therapy at the moment or if you want to return to therapy in the future, but there are better people out there. You are absolutely correct to feel let down by this one

Your headline reads as if you are pregnant by your therapist, so I'd say she isn't far wrong in her assessment of the situation. I'm sorry you're upset by it, but she is well within her rights. Hope you find a really good alternative.

I think her behaviour is very off.
Surely the point of a good therapist is the support, wisdom and guidance of a safe person.

Of course there would be attachment.
I think her behaviour is really very off.

I would strongly advise you to move on from her asap.

By all means get through your birth safely 🤞, but I wouldn't linger with her longer than you really need to.

Such drama from her. Saying one thing and then reversing her decision.

Very off. Good luck to you.

@AreYouThereGodItsMeHarriet it’s very important that you don’t take the replies here as anything remotely representative of how a professional therapist should act.

The analogy she used with a builder is a huge clue that she has no idea what she’s talking about when it comes to transference and attachment and that it’s her that has the problem here - not you.

There’s a thread here with some great bits about how transference and attachment should be dealt with - please read it as it will give you the spin on things that it sounds like you need. Sounds like you need to look for a trauma-informed psychotherapist. UKCP website is probably be the best place to look for one.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/5321151-any-therapists-counsellors-out-there-who-can-give-advice-about-transference?latest=1

There is an open group for mental health therapists on reddit. If you read some of the accounts of what they've dealt with with clients: threats of suicide, harassment, stalking, blackmail, then you'll see why they are speaking so much about how to get out of toxic relationships with clients asap.

Depends on the modality of training. In psychoanalytic/psychodynamic practice you would say something like, ‘I have to cancel due to unforeseen circumstances/for personal reasons.’ You would avoid revealing something so personal.

I’ve been training for several years, and I’m close to the end. In total it will have been approx 5 years, and my core clinical training is 3 years.

I agree that the industry is crying out for regulation. The OP’s experience makes an argument for regulation.

Are you the therapist ?

Hi there, I am a GP with an interest in psychotherapy. It depends on the theoretical orientation of your therapist but whatever it is this is absolutely cruel and unnecessary. Good therapy is exactly where you can build healthy attachment and therefore repair trauma. Then you can move on with your life. I strongly suggest you find another therapist. Look for one who advertises integrative and psychodynamic approaches. Avoid cognitive approaches which are more superficial. You’ve had such complex trauma and loss and are so vulnerable at the moment. Please take the best of care of yourself. Good luck and thinking about you.

So as you are at the extreme end of the spectrum (the good end) surely you'd support any untrained therapist telling people to find someone else if they feel they are out of their depth? I can't see any way this therapist hasn't done the OP a favour. Either because they are well qualified and competent and have made the right decision based on their take on the situation, or because they are useless and ill-qualified in which case they've told the OP to stop wasting money on something that's just as likely to make things worse for them.

It sounds like she handled it clumsily;something she needs to work on in supervision) But the purpose of therapy is to move forward. If you are stuck and she has been unsuccessful in moving you forward then she is correct to suggest ending the relationship . It would be in your best interests to find a new therapist.

The therapist ended the therapy with the message that OP was the problem and no acknowledgement that the therapist themselves was lacking in skill or experience. That was defensive on the the part of the therapist and caused harm to the OP.
This therapist should not be working

So their advice for the OP to stop seeing them was the best advice they could give the OP, surely.

We don't know that they weren't.

As a midwife, I've had people look me up on social media, texting/calling on my work phone after our professional relationship is over to talk or tell me updates about their life. I think you'd have to know why the therapist felt her behaviour was inappropriate before you make any judgement.

I dont think YABU OP to feel upset. I’ve had extensive therapy and seen quite a few counsellors over the years, some better than others. I’ve also read around the topic a lot as I was going to train to be a counsellor at one point.

My most recent therapist was cracking and very good at her job, we had therapy for 18 months in total and we ended once and I went back for more sessions later on. I definitely got really attached to her at one point, I thought about her a lot (not romantically) and wished we could be friends outside of therapy. I was scared I’d be rejected for getting ‘too’ attached because of my past abandonment issues but my therapist seemed to welcome the attachment and I never felt she rejected it. She probably guessed I was attached to her based on things I said about her and how much I struggled the first time I stopped therapy- I cried a lot.

It’s the therapists job to handle a clients attachment and with good boundaries and we ended gradually and let go at a pace I felt ready with. I finished 4 months ago and I think of her fondly but I no longer feel that intense attachment as I’ve moved on.

I would have been horrified and deeply hurt had my therapist ended sessions that abruptly with me the way yours did - the fact she said she was ending things because you are ‘too attached’ puts all the responsibility back onto you and makes you feel guilty for having normal feelings towards a person who has listened to you and been a safe space. The whole point of therapy is to be attached- the therapy IS the relationship between you and the therapist. That’s why you are there, to resolve relational difficulties in a safe space with someone.

It’s like someone going for surgery to repair a broken leg and the surgeon says ‘sorry I can’t operate on you as your leg is too broken and I can’t deal with it- it’s your fault you broke your leg’

That comment about the therapeutic relationship being akin to a builders is so ill informed and off the mark. In my opinion your therapist has not behaved well and you would do well to find another one. I wouldn’t personally go back for more sessions. Preferably one as skilled and capable as my last therapist - they do exist.

Your response here is needlessly obtuse.

A compassionate, empathetic therapist who cared about their client's wellbeing, but was lacking in skill or experience and felt out of their depth could have communicated their own deficiency to the client, could have supported them in the transition to an appropriately able therapist.

The way the ending was communicated in this case was harmfuland anti therapeutic.

Yes, clearly it is in the OP best interests to be seeing a therapist with a higher level of training/supervision/experience.

But the blunt and emotionaly devoid way you succinctly summed up the ending in your previous post was not in the OPs best interests, no.

But that isn’t what happened. The therapist didn’t say ‘I’m not qualified to deal with this.’ She compared the therapeutic alliance with one’s relationship with a builder, and said the OP was too attached, as if the OP were the problem, rather than the therapist – really wrong and damaging stuff. It’s against the BACP ethical framework, no matter what her modality is.

I agree that the OP needs to move on and search very carefully for a new therapist. But I’m mainly on this thread to assure the OP that she is right to be upset, and that her therapist is a joke.

With all due respect, being a therapist is very different to being a midwife. In my training we are very prepared to deal with this kind of behaviour.

The whole goal of most therapy is to work through your issues and ultimately provide you with the tools to manage without a long term therapist. Yes the execution on ending the session was unprofessional but it does sound like OP was using the therapy as a sole coping mechanism to get through these difficult stages rather than using the time to discuss feedback to how the tools from the past 18 months are helping or not. To me, it comes across as if she perhaps was a bit too reliant on the therapist to manage through this.

Trust in a therapist is huge, of course, but not all therapy can be accessed long term where it continues to remain in a crisis stage without self progression. 18 months is a long time to still be at the stage where you need to up therapy sessions in a similar crisis.

But they're not an empathetic, compassionate therapist - you said they shouldn't even be working. So they were perfectly correct when telling the OP to go somewhere else as soon as possible so a properly qualified therapist can start working with her.
This one, in your words, shouldn't be working and every hour she spends with the OP could do the OP more harm than good.

@AreYouThereGodItsMeHarriet I have been doing therapy on and off for about 4 years ( mostly on)… my therapist has seen me through some utterly horrific times including anxiety, panic attacks, miscarriages and a pregnancy. And now post natal depression.
Had she suggested we terminate the relationship when I was 7 months pregnant (!!!) I would have been absolutely lost and distraught. Of course I am attached to my therapist, she has literally saved my life through the work we did. I don’t stalk her or send her messages outside of our working relationship but yes there is a ( healthy) attachment there. She knows things about me that I didn’t even dare say to myself. If there was the same relationship there as I had with my builder, may I suggest I would not have opened up to her about such personal things.

The end of my pregnancy was a highly anxious time, I had a lot of stuff to work through that I could not have done on my own. Every HCP I saw has always advised to remain with my therapist if I’m happy for continuity of care. There are of course two sides to every story, but I do not think you are unreasonable to feel the way you did. I know this seems to be the minority opinion on this thread but until people go through the same thing they may not understand. I would not have a few years ago. I’m sorry you went through this.

Again a skilled/experienced/well supervised therapist would manage this. They would have locked down their social media. They would not disclose personal information. They would not supply personal contact details.

But further to the preventative practical steps, they would be aware in the therapy of the risks/transferance/countertransference and speak to them as appropriate to maintain the frame and boundaries.

The desire on the part of the client to look the therapist up and contact them outside of sessions is not in itself wrong or unusual, when in the transference, the therapist becomes 'mum'. But it is the therapist's responsibility to manage this and to use it therapeutically.

But, after all that, if it all went to pot, they would manage extracting themselves with support from their supervisor and peers as they found suitable help and support/professional intervention for the client.

I understand your feelings as a midwife, or in any other clinical role, where this is seen as inappropriate behaviour. But in long term therapy it's part of the course to be aware of the potential for and manage this very natural desire to connect with a maternal figure outside of the professional frame

Trust in a therapist is huge, of course, but not all therapy can be accessed long term where it continues to remain in a crisis stage without self progression. 18 months is a long time to still be at the stage where you need to up therapy sessions in a similar crisis.

It really depends on the issues someone is in therapy for. Significant trauma can take a long time to work through and clients can need a lot of support in crisis. Depending on the issues 18 months is no time at all. Not all therapy is skills based, and skills based therapy isn’t appropriate for many clients other than to gain immediate coping strategies.

It’s not at all unusual for clients to go through cycles of coping/not coping when they’re dealing with underlying issues. It’s not at all unusual for clients to form a strong attachment or dependency on their therapist when dealing with underlying issues. It’s the therapists job to work through this with their client, not to drop them when it gets too hard.

I think sometimes people mistake therapy for having a bit of a chat about stuff that is hard. Relationship based therapy is much more than that, and the quality of relationship is absolutely central to the work. If someone doesn’t know how to manage that relationship well, including knowing when it’s time to end, they can do real harm.

It sounds like your understanding of therapy is limited to cognitive approaches, which are time limited and aim to supply the client with a 'tool box' of techniques

There are other modalities which are longer term which aim to unpick the reasons being the difficulties and create greater self awareness. In these approaches it's not uncommon to see a therapist multiple times a week for years. In these approaches the therapist doesn't teach techniques or even tell the client what to do. They listen, they interpret, they point out patterns and themes of thoughts/behaviours. They ask why and what if. They make use of the relationship between the therapist and client.