To be upset that my therapist wanted to forcibly end our relationship when I was 7 months pregnant?

[AreYouThereGodItsMeHarriet]

I’d been seeing her for roughly 18 months on and off when seemingly out of the blue, midway through a session, she said she thought we should end our relationship because she felt I was too attached to her. She gave me the option of just ending there and then or having one more final session for closure.

I’d lost a baby a year previously and she had supported me through that time. For her to not at least see me through the subsequent pregnancy felt absolutely awful. Yet she said it shouldn’t matter, that there’s no shortage of other people who do the job she does and that the relationship with a therapist shouldn’t be any more emotional than the relationship with the builder who builds your extension.

To cut a long story short, she was able to be talked round and agreed to keep things going. However she says my strong reaction at that time was unusual and is indicative that I have some quite serious problems.

I’ve been surprised by this view if I’m honest. Surely not many people would take being abandoned by a therapist under those circumstances completely in their stride? AIBU?

Op I’m honestly surprised at people saying you’re too attached.
You might be, but we have very little info to determine that.

Personally, knowing all the very personal and difficult stuff I’d share with a therapist if I had one I would feel very destabilised and uncomfortable with them acting like that without what felt like a “lack of explanation to you. (Albeit technically she said her reasons).
also it’s very surprising that she would let you go through a rather delicate time for yourself and mid session too.

However, clearly she’s uncomfortable for whatever reason and it’d start looking for someone else
stat and just get some tester sessions booked in this week for whenever they’re available.

And to fair given my earlier example about clueless employees in the workplace there are also a lot of crap managers who think they are being clear in their messages when they aren’t.

So this could also be a case where the therapist thinks they’ve done this but hasn’t.

And once again they could really be this abrupt and clueless. 🤷‍♀️

@AreYouThereGodItsMeHarriet at any rate whatever the reason or cause your best bet would be to find someone new even though the timing isn’t ideal. Good luck

If your account of what she said is strictly accurate then I think she probably isn't a great therapist. Unless there is a compelling reason — a client's violence, major MH issues, extreme behaviour or refusal to pay, or the therapist experiencing serious illness, a family emergency or a MH crisis — then a good therapist would normally structure and plan an ending, probably with the help of their supervisor. You might expect to part company after a couple of sessions at least, which would give you some time to work through your surprise and feelings.

The fact that she announced in the middle of a session that she wanted to end then and there sounds extremely unprofessional. Therapists are there to explore your attachment and over-attachment: they shouldn't just cut and run if things feel uncomfortable. That's why they have their own supervision, to work on their stuff that working with clients brings up.

Go back, OP, and ask her what this is all about. Be angry or upset with her. You shouldn't have to be managing or containing your therapist's feelings: if she's a professional, she'll deal with all that.

No, it's up to the therapist to see her own therapist and supervisor and work on what it is about the client that is bringing stuff up, reflect and learn from other professionals how to handle it. You can't be a therapist, take significant money from a client, gain their trust and attachment and then decide in the middle of a session that this is all too much and you're walking away. The client is paying the therapist to manage and contain both their 'stuff'.

Of course it is.

It's not just about the OP when there are two people in the picture here.

If the therapist doesn't want to continue the relationship because she thinks the OP is getting too attached, that's completely her prerogative.

And as a PP said, it's quite possible we're not getting the full picture from the OP here, as she's using words like 'abandoned'.

There'll be a reason for the therapist's decision either way.

Strange question. It is entirely possible that she was a good therapist overall but unprofessional in her handling of the termination of therapy. It doesn’t have to be a question of always professional or always unprofessional. People can be great - until they’re not.

I’d been seeing her for roughly 18 months on and off

That's not regular therapy really.

I think the fact you refer to her suggestion that you see another therapist as being ‘abandoned’ speaks volumes.

She is not abandoning you. It is a professional relationship and she is giving you advice. She recognises you view the relationship differently and is being kind and acting in your best interest. I would imagine she has sought professional counsel herself on this.

I am sorry for your loss and wish you all the best for this pregnancy. A good therapist would only suggest this knowing you are able
to cope so find your inner confidence to take this step and dont let any negative self talk tell you that you cant!

That’s nit picking really.

In a therapeutic space that's an abrupt ending

Therapists don't give advice.

No, you're the one who seems to be nit picking.

You just won't have it any other way that on the scant information supplied by the OP, this professional woman is completely in the wrong.

You won't seem to consider any other option for some reason.

This is Utter bullshit.

Many red flags

1. Wanting to terminate without proper closedown process
2. Terminating on this basis is utter madness. In therapy, the relationship is very often the therapy, Being attached to the therapist is what makes it work. She must be very young and inexperienced
3. She was able to be talked around suggest she’s got no boundaries

So now you’ve sorted it, but I would not feel comfortable now and would want to move on, She’s clearly out of her depth and you deserve someone that can be emotionally invested

All these people here saying you were too attached - it’s utter rubbish.
even if you did have a strong attachment, It’s her job To work through that with you, What it means etc.
The fact that she’s pointed out that you must have ‘serious issues’ Suggest to me that she’s massively out of her depth. Maybe she’s spotted stuff that deeper seated than the pregnancy loss and his panicked. Not that it’s an excuse

Either way, It’s rubbish I’m sorry this has happened.

Wishing you all the best in New and amazing therapist and for the end of your pregnancy.

Well, were you too attached?

It seems weird to argue with a therapist to make them stay.

I’ve had a few therapists and if one had said to me it’s time to see a new one, I would have just said ‘who do you recommend?’.

Okay so although you said you’d been seeing her on and off for 18months, your later post says you’d been off for a long time until halfway through this pregnancy so only been back on for a couple of months and only recently increased sessions, in which case it’s less abrupt of her to end it with one more session’s notice, as you’ve only had - what, 8 session in the current run? 10? And something must have changed for her in this run to be making this decision. We can’t know what triggered it - why she felt the level of attachment was inappropriate- and you can have that conversation but she surely wouldn’t do it lightly. I hope you can get some answers and recommendations for a therapist who will be more helpful to you longer term, but this one is not right for you.

Paying up until the point she stops paying. Therapists are not doctors. They are in business, and they don't have to take anyone's business.

Thank heavens for some common sense.
Most of the replies are just ridiculous.

What???
How is this post remotely helpful?
The "ick" word just does not belong in threads regarding therapy.
At best this comment is puerile, shallow, and ill-conceived.
At worst it is downright insulting, cruel, and nasty.

I understand totally why you’re upset. I’m quite shocked by the voting on this! Trusting a therapist (or anyone!) can be so hard, and having what can end up as a lifeline cut off is fucking devastating.

I had it happen at the end of a course of EMDR therapy, didn’t even finish the course which was really bad but then the DBT came to an end at the same time. Same as you, offered ‘one last appointment’ which I went to and instantly regretted. Felt like she didn’t give a shit and didn’t want me there or to be there herself and just reminded me that she’s not actually my friend and my listening ear, she’s a therapist who’s being paid to listen to my problems. Really depressed me. I just felt so betrayed and abandoned (I have a chronic fear of abandonment as part of my condition so the whole thing felt horrific) while unpacking trauma every week.

Mine was lack of funding (my trauma was complex so took more EMDR sessions than the NHS would fund) and the ending felt so rushed and weird. You are supposed to trust and build a relationship with your therapist, else how are you meant to open up to them?

Why?

For a few reasons, I'm part of a few online groups for mental health therapists. I have been for a few years. I'd say recently, there has been a surge in discussion and articles around boundaries with clients and also around recognising your own limitations and when you've exhausted your professional capacity with an individual client.

It's just not a term or phrase that is suitable or appropriate for the complex process that therapy is.
The OP is obviously distressed/confused as to why her therapist wanted to end the relationship so suddenly, and telling her that she "massively gave her (the therapist) the ick" is putting the "blame" on OP.
How is that going to make her feel?

She shouldn't have told you face to face and then make you feel awful and unreasonable for being upset. It's a cruel thing to do.

This is one of the reasons I just can't be bothered with therapy anymore. Why would I want to open up to someone who doesn't care about me and is probably bored?

You're conflating two issues. The therapists professional view & the therapists personal feelings.

The decision should be entirely about the client. The FEELZ of the therapist shouldn't come into it.

The OP's FEELINGS are more important than the therapists, the therapists feelings shouldn't even come into this situation.