To be upset that my therapist wanted to forcibly end our relationship when I was 7 months pregnant?

[AreYouThereGodItsMeHarriet]

I’d been seeing her for roughly 18 months on and off when seemingly out of the blue, midway through a session, she said she thought we should end our relationship because she felt I was too attached to her. She gave me the option of just ending there and then or having one more final session for closure.

I’d lost a baby a year previously and she had supported me through that time. For her to not at least see me through the subsequent pregnancy felt absolutely awful. Yet she said it shouldn’t matter, that there’s no shortage of other people who do the job she does and that the relationship with a therapist shouldn’t be any more emotional than the relationship with the builder who builds your extension.

To cut a long story short, she was able to be talked round and agreed to keep things going. However she says my strong reaction at that time was unusual and is indicative that I have some quite serious problems.

I’ve been surprised by this view if I’m honest. Surely not many people would take being abandoned by a therapist under those circumstances completely in their stride? AIBU?

I've not had a therapist, but this does sound more professional to not continue the service if you were getting emotionally connected.

Did she recommend another therapist?

i disagree that a relationship with your therapist is similar to a builder. It’s clearly more intimate than that as you share your inner thoughts but you do seem strongly attached. I think she is trying to do the best for you in her professional opinion.

As long as you don’t want to sleep with your therapist I’m guessing you’ll be ok.

You do sound overly attached. Did she recommended another therapist?

I had course of psychotherapy over a year and whilst I felt attached to my therapist - it was more in a being able to continue a conversation short hand way. Your use of the word abandoned is interesting, and suggests you have attached more feeling to her than she is professionally comfortable with. It’s a 2 way street - she has to be happy as well.

To be honest I’d be pretty upset if I was 7 months pregnant and the builder left me in the lurch!!
I think it would have been kinder to leave you at a different point; maybe an earlier point if that would have been better. But on balance, it can actually very difficult in the early months with a young baby so perhaps she is anticipating it could be even harder to withdraw at that point? Either way it’s a professional matter I think.

It’s called transference
She’s right. She’s thinking of your wellbeing too

It takes so much time to find a good match with a therapist. You can’t just walk into a random office. Then you have to repeat the entire intake process.

Best case scenario you are looking at several months without a therapist. I can’t imagine a time worse than the end of a pregnancy and immediately postpartum to end a therapy relationship.

Women often deal with mental health issues during this time period even if they have never had issues in the past. if a woman knows she is prone to problems, having a good support system in place is the smartest thing she can do. A therapist making that impossible seems irresponsible.

Whilst the relationship would not be the same with a builder, she is someone for whom you're just paying for a professional service.

The fact you used the loaded word 'abandoned' kind of shows what she's talking about.

You shouldn't have 'talked her round' because she tried to put a boundary in place and you've completely ignored it.

Your feelings are not more important than hers.

I’ve had a few therapists and I would find what she did weird.

It could be totally her own stuff ie she’s going through infertility issues herself and can’t separate her two lives

It sounds like she did so because she felt that was necessary for your well being.

I’d assume that there would have to be a fairly serious issue for this to happen. What did ‘talking her round’ look like? I think you need to be a bit less intense if you want to avoid her putting her foot down.

I’m not surprised your feel abandoned, transference is a normal part of therapy to work through. Sounds like she handled this very badly and unprofessionally. Of course it’s an intimate relationship with professional boundaries.

She’s had three children of her own so it can’t be that.

I’m honestly not sure how this was beneficial to my well-being. It just made me feel really insecure about trusting anyone.

Perhaps it was beneficial to hers?

It's actually very common to be attached to your therapist. It's a normal part of therapy and helps you work through your relational issues. It's the therapist's responsibility to work through attachment with their client.

People who don't have psychological background or haven't had therapy won't understand this, but the whole point of a lot of modalities is that it's a safe space to play out and work through relational issues. Look up transference. It's actually very useful! Most feelings towards a therapist, be they sexual, motherly, hate, etc, tell you something useful about yourself.

Anyway OP, it's not ethical for a therapist to abruptly end things. Obviously emergencies happen and things we can't predict, but that isn't the case here. She's also wrong. It's a professional relationship, but it's still a relationship. And actually quite an intimate one, as you're sharing parts of yourself no one else knows about. It's normal and natural to feel something when you leave therapy.

She didn't abruptly end things.

It says in the OP she offered her a final session for closure.

Did she explain why she felt you were too attached to her and/or give examples?

Kindly, I think you need to start looking for a new therapist. I wouldn't feel comfortable with her after her handling of this, which seems quite unprofessional - especially her being 'talked round'. Either it's fine for you to continue working with her, or it's not.

I’ve had quite a lot of therapy over the years, I think this sounds like the therapist has handled it very badly indeed. a proper notice period to allow you to process what’s happening rather than just trying to boot you would have been appropriate. Shes then agreed to continue seeing you which also seems unprofessional if she doesn’t think it’s in your best interests. She has grossly mischaracterised the nature of your relationship, you are supposed to build a trusting bond with therapist , it is nothing like the relationship you would have with a builder . And then she’s put it all on you saying you have a serious problem, that’s toxic in my opinion. For your own good, I would try to find somebody else, she sounds really out of her depth/ like a bit of a dick

I'm really sorry this happened to you and it makes me wonder what kind of therapist you have and what her training is. The basis of many forms of psychotherapy is that the relationship is the therapy. Reading about the therapeutic relationship or transference will help expand. Other therapies may be more technique/behaviour based but should still foster a safe trusted therapeutic alliance.

My understanding is that ending therapy should be carefully planned. Leaving the relationship you have built up with the therapist can bring up all sorts of issues and these need to be worked through carefully.

Your therapist sounds uncaring and possibly prioritising her own feelings. If she is part of a group or accreditation I would contact them to inform them how you've been treated x

Sounds very professional of the therapist as she not able to offer you the support you need for whatever reason. Did she give you a list of other therapists who could assist.

Yeah, one final session for closure doesn't really cut it in long term therapy. It should be a mutual decision, and planned. Yes therapists retire etc, but it's unethical to tell a client 'oh actually one more session and we're done'.

This is long term therapy so it is presumably private therapy as you don't get long term therapy on the NHS, so she isn't pressured by time constraints.

I think you would become attached in a way as you would share deeply personal stuff and to do so requires a massive level of trust, surely. I can understand why you are and were upset. Hope you’re ok x