To be upset that my therapist wanted to forcibly end our relationship when I was 7 months pregnant?

[AreYouThereGodItsMeHarriet]

I’d been seeing her for roughly 18 months on and off when seemingly out of the blue, midway through a session, she said she thought we should end our relationship because she felt I was too attached to her. She gave me the option of just ending there and then or having one more final session for closure.

I’d lost a baby a year previously and she had supported me through that time. For her to not at least see me through the subsequent pregnancy felt absolutely awful. Yet she said it shouldn’t matter, that there’s no shortage of other people who do the job she does and that the relationship with a therapist shouldn’t be any more emotional than the relationship with the builder who builds your extension.

To cut a long story short, she was able to be talked round and agreed to keep things going. However she says my strong reaction at that time was unusual and is indicative that I have some quite serious problems.

I’ve been surprised by this view if I’m honest. Surely not many people would take being abandoned by a therapist under those circumstances completely in their stride? AIBU?

Holding up a mirror and naming a dynamic that the client doesn’t like, or a feeling the client doesn't want to own is not being unethical.

If she was a good therapist she would do a good planned ending, not like this, if that was in a clients best interests. If she felt unable to work with her, this is not the way to go about ending the relationship.

I think the therapist was out of their depth.

A friend of mine has become a therapist and she did a couple of months (maybe less) of an online course where she chatted to their trainees on TEAMS and they ‘practised’ on each other. Nothing against her but she is pretty fucked up. She was badly affected by her parents split when she was a baby, emotionally dependent, lots of issues in relationships, eating disorders, messy divorce and became single mum to 2 young kids. She hasn’t received any therapy herself to address the many issues she had prior to her training and now she advises others in their complicated predicaments.

I’m not saying therapists should be robots and devoid of human experiences themselves, in fact it would help to create empathy, but there will also be areas that will affect them personally and many therapists out there are severely lacking in the knowledge, experience and expertise that would assist them in helping others. Sounds like OP’s recognised this and tried to bail.

One of my therapists left the practice to fulfil a very exciting life goal.

I said I was sad for my own sake - she was great - but thrilled for her. I asked her a bit about her plans, we covered a review of my time with her and parted affectionately. She told me some of her clients had felt personally betrayed by her decision.

Over the next few months, I received emails and social media contact from some of her other clients. I don't know how they found my details or each others'. These people were furious about the therapist's life choice! Proper spitting mad; they used a lot of words like abandonment, betrayal, unprofessional, Some seemed to think they could sue her and some had told her they would kill themselves if she went.

At first, I tried replying reasonably and compassionately but soon realised I was wasting my energy. The experience cured me of wanting to become a therapist! I couldn't carry that burden of dependence. OP, I think it's helpful that she's raised this with you and, since you now have some extra time with her, you'll be able to work through it with a view to becoming responsible for yourself.
Wishing you well.

"To cut a long story short, she was able to be talked round"

I feel we need to know more about this part

So she's a crap therapist. So she's right to tell the OP to find another one.

Yes, fair point I could have been stalking her or regularly showing up at her house or something. There definitely wasn’t anything like that involved but I do see what you mean. There are of course two sides to every story.

I’d actually been quite long periods without seeing her at all. I saw her initially around the time of losing my baby but then barely saw her until about halfway through the subsequent pregnancy and had only just started to step the sessions up again at the end.

I agree that the OP needs a better therapist. I’m sorry that this therapist didn’t handle the ending well.

I’m wondering this also. What has happened in the last few sessions to make her think you’re too attached?

im having therapy now and feeling too attached to my therapist. I have a pattern of this since teenage years and I know why it’s happening. I absolutely hate it and it’s driving me mad. I probably need to speak to my therapist about it but my fear is this, she’ll refer me out to someone else and I cannot go through all the unpacking of the issues again.

I have no real advice other than I feel for you.

Well, what do you expect, she's a shit therapist. If there's anything to be annoyed about it's that she should have told the OP that sooner. Obviously there was nothing to be gained by dragging it out.

FTR I was trying to come up with equally ridiculous examples…I don’t think you were stalking her 😁

But did she give examples? (Understanding you may not want to share therapy details).

Lol so patronising. The OP gave no indication that she did anything inappropriate. She would have to have done something totally crazy for the therapist to give one session of notice.

I’m experienced enough to know that there are lots of terrible qualified therapists out there.

@LostThePlotEncore, you understand transference and are aware of it happening. Of course you should tell your practitioner, they're trained to handle it.

Not trying to read your mind here, but might your fear that she'll dump you for it be an artefact of the transference?

@LostThePlotEncore I'm sure your therapist would be very interested to hear how you're feeling around this.
Don't be put off by what you're reading here because we don't know what's happened really.

I agree with this ^

I can understand what your therapist is saying, but I'd feel like you do.

I attach to people too easily & don't cope with good byes, & that was before the strokes. I have found it incredibly difficult since the stroke with all the people involved then having to say good byes.

the thing I have learnt about myself though is that I'm worst in the lead up, pretty awful in the moment, but actually ok once it's done!

so for ME, I'd change therapist now & get better support in place for the remainder of the pregnancy & birth. (I'd be waiting for her to do the same thing all the time, I wouldn't feel supported by her)

besf wishes for the safe arrival of the baby

Oooh that’s deep. What do you mean? That I’m scared she’ll dump me as I’ve been dumped in the past? Sorry for hijacking OP.

that was my thought too.

I think you’ll have a better chance if you name this to your therapist as something you’ve recognized and want to work on. Then it becomes a known issue instead of a therapy byproduct.

Make sense what I was clumsily trying to say?

OP I think for me, I’d have that one last appointment to try and draw a line under things. But I’d really struggle to trust her after this. What’s to say she won’t pull the plug again in another few months time?

I think she’s spotted transference within you and is possibly struggling with counter transference and is not sure/too inexperienced to handle it. She should be able to speak to a supervisor or colleague about how she is feeling but sounds like she’s panicked. It must feel like a massive responsibility to have someone that attached but I don’t think she’s handled it well.

Makes sense but scares me a lot. She’ll think I’m bat shit.

But it's not about the therapist

Well, this individual isn’t appropriately qualified, but she’s not a reflection on those who are. I know quite a few therapists, including my sister — they’ve all done a degree at one of the local universities which requires them to do intensive therapy themselves along the way, with a very rigorous weeding-out process every year. In my sister’s cohort only two people finished the degree ‘on time’ . The others were required to undertake more personal therapy before progressing.

Of course it is. If (and I'm not saying this is the case here) a certain client is affecting the therapist's mental wellbeing then they have every right to stop seeing that patient.

She must have known for some time that she felt the OP was getting too attached so yes I think, at the very least, a couple more sessions wouldn’t have been unreasonable. Thus allowing time for the OP to adjust and to find a new therapist. It sounds as if the therapist left it too long to deal with the situation as she saw it and then just suddenly decided to cut all ties. I find that very callous and unprofessional after 18 months of regular therapy and the accompanying build up of trust and openness.

If the therapist is callous and unprofessional, why would it benefit the OP to pay for more sessions with her?