To be upset that my therapist wanted to forcibly end our relationship when I was 7 months pregnant?

[AreYouThereGodItsMeHarriet]

I’d been seeing her for roughly 18 months on and off when seemingly out of the blue, midway through a session, she said she thought we should end our relationship because she felt I was too attached to her. She gave me the option of just ending there and then or having one more final session for closure.

I’d lost a baby a year previously and she had supported me through that time. For her to not at least see me through the subsequent pregnancy felt absolutely awful. Yet she said it shouldn’t matter, that there’s no shortage of other people who do the job she does and that the relationship with a therapist shouldn’t be any more emotional than the relationship with the builder who builds your extension.

To cut a long story short, she was able to be talked round and agreed to keep things going. However she says my strong reaction at that time was unusual and is indicative that I have some quite serious problems.

I’ve been surprised by this view if I’m honest. Surely not many people would take being abandoned by a therapist under those circumstances completely in their stride? AIBU?

"Forcibly"? Did she drag you by the arm and shove you out the door?
Why would you want to stay with someone who doesn't want you? Ask her for a list of referrals.

Sounds like your therapist went into flight mode.
How were you 'too attached'?

It’s not appropriate nor best practice to end therapy in such an abrupt way. Most complaints are actually over how therapists handled endings. Ideally, Endings should be discussed well prior, fears/apprehensions explored, reflecting back and forwards etc.

If it’s person centred therapy then the relationship between you is the very core of the therapy, nothing like a relationship with your builder and very harmful and unprofessional to suggest this - especially after 18m.
and - if course youre going to have some level of dependency on them, you’ve been with them 18m. It’s the therapists job to work with you on this and empower you towards the transition of ending.

if they are a member of a professional body such as the BACP you can make a complaint if you wish.

however I will say if they are a private counsellor they can call time on when they end the relationship/contract. However it does seem it’s been handled poorly as you’re clearly hurt and blindsided which is grounds for a complaint.

i can’t imagine you are telling us everything though OP - are you holding anything back about your relationship / behaviour in session?. Is there anything that’s changed or you could account for such an abrupt ending? It just seems strange on the therapists part.

transference is not an automatic reason to end therapy, it usually can be worked through by anyone who is half decent and ethical.

Sounds right to me, but I wonder if they couldn't have seen you through the birth.

I mean, the fact the op wouldn't accept it and the therapist is continuing against her better judgement due to the reaction of the op, is surely the evidence here.

I haven’t voted because it would be interesting to hear the therapists take on this. I highly doubt that they often ask clients to stop coming to see them so you must have really taken things too far, even if you didn’t realise it.

It suggests to me that the therapist has a point. Assuming she’s been professional throughout the OP’s year and a half of therapy, I’d imagine she perceives an urgent need to end therapy with the OP far more abruptly than the usual protocols would indicate.

Sounds pretty abrupt to me! Something along the lines of ‘This is your last session with me. Unless of course you think you need another one for closure.’ In fact that’s not just abrupt, it’s absolutely brutal.

i can’t imagine you are telling us everything though OP - are you holding anything back about your relationship / behaviour in session?. Is there anything that’s changed or you could account for such an abrupt ending? It just seems strange on the therapists part.

This is what I’m wondering. I’ve seen it happen with a shocking frequency when people are fired or placed on an improvement plan in a work setting. Many direct conversations citing specific behaviors or work deficiencies had and the employee is completely blindsided.

Now that being said there are crappy people in all professions and therapists aren’t immune. But yeah I feel like this would be very unusual.

This sounds terrible, very unprofessional and unethical. It’s not wrong to get attached to a therapist. In relational therapy it’s part of the process. Therapeutic modalities vary on how they deal with it, but an abrupt ending is rarely going to be in the client’s best interests (and yes one closing session is an abrupt ending after 18 months).

It’s completely understandable you are upset. I’m sorry this happened. I suggest you try and find a better therapist.

I think we're only getting half the picture here, before we slate the therapist.

Totally agree with you - it was the having worked together for such a long time which made the unprofessional ending quite odd - but it could definitely be the therapists issue here and nothing to do with anything OP has done.

Kind of how mumsnet works with these types of posts though isn’t it? Always one side of the story from poster, we’re not going to get the therapists side of things are we. If it’s as the OP says and she’s not holding back anything, then bottom line is it’s unprofessional, unethical and harmful.

How do you even know she’s got 3 children of her own? Why do you know anything of the private life of your therapist?

If the OP was say, violent towards the therapist, turned up drunk or on drugs, stalked the therapist outside of sessions, tried to break into their home, contact the therapists family, then such an abrupt boundary might be justified. Not for getting attached, or having feelings about a therapist that are expressed during a session.

there are a lot of crap therapists out there.

Possibly the therapist thinks you never follow her advice......

I’m a trainee therapist and she is being incredibly unprofessional. It’s totally normal (and expected) to become attached to your therapist. Her comparison of the therapeutic relationship to the one you would have with a builder is bananas and wrong. Also, we are not trained to end so suddenly.

Don’t listen to anyone who says otherwise. She is out of order and you could probably complain to her professional body. She has been trained to work with vulnerable people and is not abiding to her ethical framework.

Some therapist do tell you a certain amount about themselves, it’s called self disclosure. Others do the blank slate approach. Neither is wrong they are just different approaches.

I’m thinking that she is correct in that you have posted here. She is aware that the attachment you have to her has crossed a line so professionally she needs to step away

That’s why I was hoping the OP would come back with more detail.

If she said the therapist mentioned something about finding the OP outside her kitchen window at midnight…well then we might be able to explain that isn’t appropriate behavior. On the other hand if the reason was given as the OP started to wear a new perfume that triggered the therapist’s memories of her MIL … well then we could reassure the OP that her therapist is a little bonkers.

Getting feedback based on incomplete information is probably not the best course of action for the OP, in my opinion.

Yeah but most of the crap therapists tend to want to keep people coming to see them; they are not actively telling paying customers to go elsewhere.
If she is a good therapist then her advice to stop seeing her is good advice and should be followed.
If she is a crap therapist then her advice to stop seeing her is good advice and should be followed.

All of this, 100%

@jajajajajaja

im a trained therapist and there is a line that cannot be crossed and you should be making arrangements to transfer to another therapist if the patient is attached to you in a way that’s inappropriate. You are still training so perhaps haven’t reached that bit yet.

In her professional opinion she thought the OP was getting too attached.

So how should she have handled it?

Given her another 2, 3, 4 sessions?

Surely the OP would just get even more attached?

Or just stop seeing her if she's so shit - which is what she said herself. Maybe she's had an attack of conscience and wants to save the OP money.