To be upset that my therapist wanted to forcibly end our relationship when I was 7 months pregnant?

[AreYouThereGodItsMeHarriet]

I’d been seeing her for roughly 18 months on and off when seemingly out of the blue, midway through a session, she said she thought we should end our relationship because she felt I was too attached to her. She gave me the option of just ending there and then or having one more final session for closure.

I’d lost a baby a year previously and she had supported me through that time. For her to not at least see me through the subsequent pregnancy felt absolutely awful. Yet she said it shouldn’t matter, that there’s no shortage of other people who do the job she does and that the relationship with a therapist shouldn’t be any more emotional than the relationship with the builder who builds your extension.

To cut a long story short, she was able to be talked round and agreed to keep things going. However she says my strong reaction at that time was unusual and is indicative that I have some quite serious problems.

I’ve been surprised by this view if I’m honest. Surely not many people would take being abandoned by a therapist under those circumstances completely in their stride? AIBU?

I am so sorry you had to go through that and purely based on what was written here I don't think the situation with the therapist has been handled well
i also have a feeling you might need a different therapist. I would be happy to offe4 you some suggestions for modalities that I know work well for PTSD if you are comfortable to PM me.
Two things I would like to highlight more generally as I don't know specofics and there might be more to the story.
Transference in therapy is normal and a skilled therapist works with the client on this, ending abruptly is not ok unless there are sone very serious reasons. In some cases transference is beneficial, the therapist acting as a resource for the client whilst helping them build the connection with their own resources and agency. It is a delicate and beautiful process.
The traditional therapeutic training is very rigid around this and not that effective for trauma healing in my experience.
Having lost babies myself late in pregnancy I know how difficult a subsequent pregnancy can be. You need all the support you can get and good strategies to lower your stress levels. Being flooded with stress hormones is bad for you and for the baby and his or her development.
I wish you all the very best and please continue to seek appropriate help.

Every therapist I've seen has believed attachment to be a natural part of the therapy. That's nonsense about being like a relationship with your builder. Perhaps this is a specific type of therapy you're doing? Mine have encouraged relationship. Ending suddenly is shocking.
Ask the therapist what school of therapy she belongs to? I'm sorry this has happened to you, it must feel very abandoning.

Op @AreYouThereGodItsMeHarriet please remember, the voting is skewed by a pile of people on mumsnet who are not therapists and/or have probably never had long term therapy themselves.

There are a handful of posters who clearly know what they’re talking about and have therapeutic knowledge / experience.

-ignore anyone saying you should not be attached, therapy requires you to be vulnerable and attachments need to be understood and worked through. Transference/countertransference is not a reason to end therapy and - an experienced counsellor can worth through it with their supervisor/you and often it can enrich and deepen your experience if handled properly.

-abrupt therapeutic endings, without care, planning & discussion are unethical (unless something major has happened meaning therapist needs to end asap - even if she did need to end for her own reasons - then handling it sensitively and structured is key). You have grounds for a complaint if you did want to go down that route.

-please raise and work through the hurt that was caused in your next few sessions if you can.

-ask her for recommendations /look for therapists who have experience with pregnancy and/or baby loss for if you want to restart again. Email them now, get the ball rolling.

YANBU - Good luck x

If the latter is true it would be grossly unprofessional and unethical to project the issue onto the client as being their problem

Actually a professional therapist is absolutely supposed to end contact with a patient should they feel they are getting to attached to them, it's the main guideline of being a therapist should a patient get to emotionally involved etc then a new therapist should be found and the patient moved on.

Attachment is often part of the work in therapy - I’d worry about any therapist who didn’t know how to work through a clients attachment to them in a safe, therapeutic way. They shouldn’t be doing the job if they don’t understand attachment. I’d love to see the “main guideline” you refer to because I’ve never come across it and I train therapists.

Even where that attachment feels romantic on the part of the client there are ways to work through it as part of the therapy. @AreYouThereGodItsMeHarriet your therapist should have done better.

I have had two sessions of therapy op and that was after losing our second son at 27 weeks, a very long time ago. It wasn't right for me so there's little I can offer there from that perspective.

However, dd was ill in her mid/late teens and therapy helped her when we found the right therapist for her which was tricky. One piece of advice that we found helpful was to make sure that properly registered therapists (I can't remember the letters now) are part of a formal group or small company if you like. This means the therapists have immediate professional support and are less likely to go "rogue".

I wonder if Tommy's or SANDs might be able to help and support you at this time or have some signposting to therapists who work in the area?

Baby loss is hard and complex, as you know, and I understand how dark these times are and how difficult the next pg is. The greatest healer is the delivery of your next baby and it is a significant step to recovery. I am sure the aforementioned charities may be able to support you at this time.

Also, when I was pg with dd after losing ds2, the obstetrician in charge of my care was very clear that there was specialist ante natal and post natal psychiatric support available if I felt I needed specialist support so you could also talk to your consultant/midwives about it.

Best of luck and go well.

I think most would find it upsetting, that’s different from saying that the therapist shouldn’t have made the call to end it.
as tough as it feels for you right now, I must say your language and response seems to paint the picture that the therapist is correct in managing the relationship in this way as you probably need to do some work on managing your own feelings so that you have control of your life and feelings rather than relying on your therapist to work it out for you. It’s not her responsibility, harsh to say but it’s yours. The positive here is it appear she genuinely cares for your wellbeing and wants the best for you, it would probably have been a rough decision for her to make.
please look for another therapist and work on some resilience. Your life will feel so much better when you feel you have autonomy and ownership, you can totally get there, you likely need to switch out of codependency and feeling victimised in situations that are difficult.
again, apologies that the above seems harsh it’s just my opinion and personal experience of the areas that I saw real growth and mature when I had lots of honest looks at myself

Therapists have lots of therapy ourselves and are trained to think about our own flaws, histories and trigger points. If you are so easily triggered that you need to immediately end with a client, then should not become a therapist. It’s literally our job to listen to extremely difficult things and to be able to tolerate that.

I dont think people realise until they've had therapy how heartbreaking this is when therapists abandoned you especially if it abruptly iv cried for days over this. To do that to you when your heavily pregnant is awful

Therapy is about teaching peiple to manage their emotions and helping them to build résilience. They shouldn't have to do this begore going to therapy!
As others have said attachement to the therapist is important in psychodynamic therapy and it is perfectly acceptable to discuss feelings of abandonnent.

The therapist has behaved appalling IMO, she should bring her concerns into the sessions for you to talk about it. We get “attached” because trust builds, and ending after all that time should be done slowly and carefully-addressing the clients process as you go.

OP, your reaction is completely understandable. Anyone in your position would feel hurt.

It sounds like her decision to backtrack came after input from your care team, which suggests that her understanding of what’s best for you may have been off the mark.

Therapists all work differently, and sometimes the approach they use just isn’t the right fit for what we need at the time.

If and when you feel ready to look for someone new, it might be helpful to explain what happened and ask how they would handle a similar situation. That way, you can get a sense of whether their style feels more in tune with you.

You deserve support that feels safe, respectful, and aligned with your needs. I really hope you find someone who offers that.

she is allowed to terminate the relationship, it’s uncomfortable she was ‘able to be talked round’

The “relationship with a builder” example says more about her as a professional (in a negative sense) than it does about you.

Well done for seeing this as it is - she certainly isn’t providing you with a good service at this point. I know it’s a really hard time to find someone new but maybe you will feel better in the long run if you knock it on the head with her, due to having enough self-respect to know you deserve better, and make a fresh start with someone new.

I’m really sorry that this has happened to you, on top of what you have already been through. You have done nothing wrong by building an attachment in therapy but the professional who you trusted isn’t handling this well at all - which is fair enough in a way as we are all human, but just know that you’re not the problem.

I had a counsellor who retired. I’d seen her (on and off with a break of quite a few years) over seven years and she saw me through the end of an abusive marriage. I’ve tried counselling since, but never found anything that came near. I still hear her voice in my head at times though and can imagine what she would say about things.. and I always thought of her as the voice of a mother I would have if I had a supportive and loving mother (I don’t, as you can probably guess 😄)

She let me know a couple of sessions before she finished up, and acknowledged that it was hard. I would have been gutted if she’d casually announced that she was the equivalent of a builder no longer providing services 😂

You sound very attached to her, she did the right thing. It wouldn’t of been professional to carry on.

I think the fact you’ve talked her round to continue is telling.

Ultimately it is a job for her and she can move on but I would be really upset in your situation too.

I am a therapist and I voted YANBU. I would not suddenly drop a client in need of me and blame it on them becoming too attached. Especially at such a time when pregnant and feeling very vulnerable. If I couldn’t continue with a client, then I would tread carefully and gently especially with someone who was vulnerable and attached.

Many people become attached to their therapist. There is nothing wrong with that. The therapist may be the first person someone has really been able to talk to and trust with their innermost fears and feelings. Overtime that gets worked through, the aim is not to have someone dependent on you. I would however disagree with people who say its just a paid professional relationship. It is intimate and personal not just transactional.

Best of luck with your pregnancy and I hope you get the support that you want.

JFC what an absolutely twatty thing to say.

You contract a builder for a job, not by the day. It's more akin to a day labourer quitting work.
Thereapists don't contract to achieve some specific goal, simply to talk to you one hour at a time.

Up to a point. You're not regulated. Some are barely trained. Literally anyone can set themselves up as a therapist.
Given we allow that, these untrained/barely trained people who just think they are good at talking to people would be foolish to continue in a situation where their mental health is being affected.
If you want this to change you should push for much stricter, compulsory regulation of therapists in the UK. How long is the training course you are doing?

There is no "should" about this. I am a level 4 BCAP and it depends on what type of therapist/counsellor you are. Some self disclose some do not.

I went through 3 different therapists during my training and had a further 4 during training. 1 of them stated she never self disclosed the other all said they would at times. With 1 of my therapists as she had a office in her home I could see she had young children (scooters by the door and wellies) another self disclosed he had children similar ages to mine. This aided me to trust him.

I have had clients outright ask me sometimes I have answered as I felt it would aid our relationship, other times I have asked them why they felt the need to know. It depends on each relationship and why it is needed. If for example a client were trying to explain what being an empty nester felt like it might be a good idea for the counsellor to self disclose that they have children similar ages. It wil be down to how the counsellor manages things.

For me personally as a client I prefeer a counsellor whom will self disclose a little. Not one who self discloses all the time.

Also depends upon the type of therapist. You are less likely to get this with someone who practices psychoanalysis than in other types of therapy.

Edited for spelling

She sounds bamy - of course she knows your history and you have a relationship. For her to say that mid session is nuts - she should have had another therapist option for you in the wings.
I am guessing she is not a clinical psychologist

I mean, surely you can learn a therapist has children because they say things like "Sorry, can't do 2:30 next Tuesday, I am at my daughter's sports day", or whatever. I mean they could take care to conceal such things, if they felt they needed to, but it's not necessarily anything to do with the relationship.