To be a bit petty/spiteful

[Tarunos]

It’s a MIL one.
MIL has a big birthday coming up, right in the middle of DDs important school dates, transition day etc. MIL is not local.
MIL did not bother to contact DD on DDs birthday, however we received a parcel and card. No call or text. DD has had some quite important tests recently and again no contact from MIL to wish DD good luck or ask how she’d got on. MIL is aware of the tests as her other GC are the same age and also doing them.
We met up with MIL and FIL a few weeks ago and they were both very ignorant towards all our DC. DH and I were a little miffed.

So now we have MIL big birthday coming. We’ve been asked to book a hotel for the weekend to celebrate. As I said it’s in the middle of DDs important school dates although a weekend. With everything that’s been building, I really feel like saying “no, DC and I will not be attending as it’s too much”.
I know part of me is doing it to be petty, although I feel warranted and of course the other is genuinely DD will find it all stressful with everything else going on at school in the week before and after.

AIBU to say no?

Transition day and what else? How would a stay in a hotel make it stressful for DD?

I would assume DH would have contacted his DM to tell her about DD test results, why wouldn’t he (or you), why are you expecting this woman to chase for details? She may have forgotten. Some things are also only important to DD and you as parents really, they don’t especially affect a DGM, although it would be nice for them to show interest, and I know I would ask how things went, but my DM would probably forget. I wouldn’t take offence, I’d just tell her.

She sent a card and gift, so birthday greetings, no?

If they sent a parcel and the birthday involves a stay then they obviously don’t live local to you, are you DC pretty much just small strangers to them?

It would be petty, and pretty much wasted as they wouldn’t know that’s why you weren’t there. Have you tried talking to them about how disappointed you both find their attention towards your DC?

You are being childish. But I think you know that already.

People don't always remember every little thing going on. It does sound unnecessarily mean to me.

DH goes. You stay home with the kids.

I think you're over inflating the importance of year 6 SATS.....

Jeez - so she actually bothered to go out buy a card and gift, wrap them, post them in time - yet she’s evil because she didn’t ring on the day ffs!

It’s like you want a war, don’t be so horrible. Make peace, go celebrate her special day and be grateful your child has grandparents that care and actually make an effort and want you there!

🥱 🥱 Yes, DD’s important to you but everyone else has got other things going on in their lives which don’t involve her. Go, don’t go, whatever. My mum used to do things like this which meant my paternal grandparents were like strangers despite them living 20 minutes away. Makes me cross as an adult.

*edited as I realised it didn’t make much sense 🙄

So your MIL sent a present and card.

She didn’t ask how tests went - which could be tactful, rather than a lack of interest.

And honestly, transition days aren’t that tiring.

😂😂
good spot! I assumed it was GCSEs

Sorry OP, that’s a very flimsy reason for not going. Year 6 SATS are definitely not ‘important tests’ in the great scheme of things. If you don’t want to go, that’s your decision to make of course but don’t try and justify it with ridiculous over hyped reasons

We have tried talking to them before, but we’ve been dismissed as being ridiculous. They really do not bother with our DC except when they want the big family gatherings where they live.
They are heavily involved in their other DGCs lives and as I said they are the same age as DD so will be well aware. They celebrate the other DGCs birthdays with them, attending their parties etc and now ours it seems aren’t even getting a call.

Friends have messaged asking how DD got on and wishing her well, friends that don’t have DC of the same age.

It's petty to expect others to keep track of your dcs lives like this. And actually not that interesting at all for anyone else.

Your mil sent a gift and card. Brilliant. Why isn't that enough?

You sound really hard work.

Send your dh. Although a party might be just the thing for you to relax, let your hair down and stop nursing stupid grudges.

She expects you to pay for a hotel? For that alone I wouldn't be going...

I wouldn’t expect a grandparent to call a child on their birthday if they’d already sent them a card and a present, and SATs are a big deal to no adult except the parents and teachers of 11-year-olds. They’re not her A levels! I think YABVU.

You live far away and they rarely see your DC: they aren’t realistically going to have the same relationship with them as they do grandchildren who they see more regularly, and if you aren’t actively making an effort to develop your DC’s relationships with them them then they’re probably pulling away in return - waiting for a call on DD’s birthday: surely she called her grandparents on the day to thank them for her present and that was the opportunity for them to wish her happy birthday? If DD didn’t call then they’re really only reciprocating the same level of interest. Being petty over MIL’s birthday isn’t going to solve anything.

SATs are overhyped for importance and their only importance is for the school.

A weekend away is hardly disruptive to presumably your DD moving school, seriously when we moved up to "Big School" you had one transition day and then were expected to get on with it. If anything a party might help relax her

And oh no, they went to all the effort of sending a parcel, they must hate her because they also didn't ring?!

You sound so entitled

Do the other DC happen to live closer?

In fact this reads as "we aren't willing to put effort into the relationship and now we're sulking that they aren't rushing around after us to try and get our attention"

Your daughter received a card and a present but there was no phone call? How bloody disgraceful.
YOUR DAUGHTER should have phoned to say thank you.
Don’t dramatise Year 6 SATs and a transition day then use them as an an excuse. Don’t weaponise your daughter.
Attend your MIL’s special day and reevaluate your (plural) approach to her.

You complain about her not being involved with your DC so to pay her back you ensure that your DC don't join in with a big family celebration.

PS. SATS really aren't a big deal. They measure the school rather than your child. Dare I say your DC may perform better after being relaxed and having some fun rather than having the parental pressure of "big tests"?

Speaking as someone who is about to have a birthday with a zero at the end - and who will be completely ignoring it - it baffles me why people make such a fuss about their own so-called "milestone" birthdays. It's basically narcissism to assume that anyone else gives a shiny sh*t about one's birthday. I wouldn't dream of telling anyone what to do on a day that thus makes it "all about me".

So for that reason, OP, I think you do whatever is best for your child - not to mention the fact that exams are so much more important, of course!

I think sending a gift and a card is fine. Endless relatives phoning a child on their birthday I would find annoying as we would be busy with a meal/ opening presents/ having friends round. My mum wouldn’t ring my kids on the day as she would know it would be annoying. She would get them a gift and a card though and arrange a tIme to drop it off.

Unless it’s GCSE’s or A levels then I don’t think it’s an issue. My son left home at 16 to join the raf. To me that’s huge. It’s not huge to anyone else but they ask how he is in general when they see me/ him. My younger son is doing his GCSE’s at the moment. I know when his last exam is but no one else will know that information. He can still do things in the middle of his GCSE’s and he had some mates round last night. It’s a big deal to me and him but no one else.

If you are talking about sats then they are meant to test the school, not the child so you should just continue as normal at home.

I don’t think the in laws have done anything f wrong but if you don’t want to go to the celebration then just say we can’t make it sorry.

You’re using your DD to get back at MIL.

This. Sorry OP but you are very much in the wrong if your DD did not say thank you for her gift.

Your daughter received a card and a present but there was no phone call? How bloody disgraceful.
YOUR DAUGHTER should have phoned to say thank you.

This.

You are being utterly ridiculous, OP.

Agreed, what was said when DD called to thank them for the card and present?

Perhaps I should have explained that we have spent the last 20 years attempting a relationship with them and for them to know our DCs. We have visited every Christmas, hired holiday homes in their hometown and hosted many occasions there. I’ve arranged and paid for them to travel to our home and stay to spend time with DCs. We’ve done day trips which have been hundreds of miles round trips for DCs to spend a little more time with them. DCs have never been on holiday as every school holiday has been spent travelling and paying to stay where MIL and FIL are. We have exhausted ourselves, our finances and our children trying to have a relationship with them.