To be a bit petty/spiteful

[Tarunos]

It’s a MIL one.
MIL has a big birthday coming up, right in the middle of DDs important school dates, transition day etc. MIL is not local.
MIL did not bother to contact DD on DDs birthday, however we received a parcel and card. No call or text. DD has had some quite important tests recently and again no contact from MIL to wish DD good luck or ask how she’d got on. MIL is aware of the tests as her other GC are the same age and also doing them.
We met up with MIL and FIL a few weeks ago and they were both very ignorant towards all our DC. DH and I were a little miffed.

So now we have MIL big birthday coming. We’ve been asked to book a hotel for the weekend to celebrate. As I said it’s in the middle of DDs important school dates although a weekend. With everything that’s been building, I really feel like saying “no, DC and I will not be attending as it’s too much”.
I know part of me is doing it to be petty, although I feel warranted and of course the other is genuinely DD will find it all stressful with everything else going on at school in the week before and after.

AIBU to say no?

Did you invite them to celebrate her birthdays?

Also if it was DFIL’s bday would you take the same tack? He’s equally to blame for not contacting - it shouldn’t just be MIL’s responsibility or sin for not doing

DH has previously tried to discuss it with his parents. They have then essentially gaslighted him. He has said all his life they favoured his siblings. He hasn’t said anything to them about the birthday and hasn’t asked to be involved with the arrangements etc. Knowing him it will be a last minute decision. I doubt he will go without us. His parents will bully him into giving a good enough reason. He will use me and the children as his reason because he is tired of attempting to talk to them.

Honestly, I think you’re well within your rights to not go. Having read all your updates so far, it sounds like they don’t make any effort with your family. It’s not unreasonable for you to expect them to call and speak to your DD on her birthday. Asking about exams etc I don’t think it’s such a big deal.

We spend pretty much every school holiday visiting one set of GPs followed by the other GPs which I find really hard going, but they really appreciate the time they get to spend with their GC, they call on important dates, they message to ask how things are, they want to know all about school. They’re as involved as they can be given the distances involved. I would hugely resent the amount of time we spent visiting if it wasn’t reciprocated in other ways.

I think you could say to them that DH will attend for this event, but you and DD can’t make it. Then make some fun plans that don’t involve them for the next school holiday. I totally get why you’re trying so hard with them, but I think it’s time to back off a bit.

Yes we have invited them to all of DCs birthdays and offered to pay for their travel and accommodation. They haven’t been here for any. For DHs big birthdays we have been expected to travel there if we want them to celebrate with us.

We have the same issue with Father’s Day coming and it’s been suggested we visit and get a hotel as well as a meal. Father’s Day the week before MIL birthday celebrations. We are expected both weekends.

Do the other DGC live closer?

Anyway all your updates dripfeeds sound like you'd be better just going no contact

Eff them
Don't waste another precious minute.
Send a card and gift.
Job done. Treat them like they treat you.

Well given that he has previously told them, why can’t he just say you already know the reason, and leave it at that.

they aren’t going to change and I’m surprised your children aren’t noticing the disparity in how the gp behave with their cousins.

stay at home, focus on what is important that weekend and think nothing more of it. Send a package and a card.

My DPs are very active in DCs lives and live very close to us. My mum texts me every morning and afternoon to check if DCs went to school ok and asks if they had a good day. Maybe overbearing but it’s appreciated she’s thinking of us. She does the same for my DBs children. My SIL has a lovely relationship with her and appreciates their role in her DCs lives.

DH and I were very aware that my parents would have more contact with our DCs and never wanted ILs to feel left out which is why we have made so much effort over the years and overcompensated for this.

My parents tell me to be the better person, do my best for DCs to have a relationship with them, but as it’s been pointed out it’s now negatively affecting DCs.

SATS week has just gone so unless this is retrospective/next year I’m not sure it is?

If someone sends a parcel and a card for a birthday, they don’t need to call or text too!

Maybe they are expecting a call from your DD to say thank you for the gift and card?

She says they didn't message about the test, not that the tests were why they couldn't go

This all seems a bit much.

So DO they live closer?

You've ignored this question

And yes, it's very overbearing to text every day about the kids at school.

Honestly just don’t go if it doesn’t suit you. Let your DH use whatever excuse works. Stop making so much effort! If you’re not close with them, you will hardly be missed anyway. Book a holiday of your choice next time too. Good luck x

@Tarunos life is far too short, fuck them off and put your DC first. They’re not interested, they couldn’t make it more clear.

They do now, they didn’t before. It was the same before.

I always say to my friends that I never understand other people and how their families work and the responses on this thread prove that !!!

I would be absolutely heartbroken if my Mum thought just sending a present to my child was ok and didn’t need to speak to them on the day . But then my parents are really hands on and everything is all about their Grandkids and I’m the same now with my Grandson to the point where I’m about to give up my life for him to live with me .

If my parents didn’t bother with my kids then I wouldn’t bother with their birthday either .
No way . I would not be booking a hotel and I wouldn’t be making it about anything to do with school . If someone can’t put effort in for my kids then don’t expect the effort bk .

She might not have mentioned the tests for fear of saying the wrong thing and causing upset.

If she has other grandchildren sometimes it’s a little remembering everything about each child especially as you don’t seem all that close.

You seem like you’re spoiling for a fight and I wonder if there is also some jealousy in there as they may be closer to other grandchildren?

Texting thanks is rude. You are setting a bad example.

absolutely - this was my first thought.

Depends what the exams are. If DD is in the middle of GCSEs/ transition days at college I'd stay home. If this is yr 6 SATs it wouldn't even be a question that we would be going. My MIL would not even have had any idea that SATs were ongoing, they are such a non event and of far more importance to the school than the child. And secondary transition days are not so stressful that a weekend away would be overwhelming.

Nobody cares about SATS except the school. None of my family phoned to wish my kids good luck. Completely unnecessary. And what’s the big palaver about transition day? That is also not a big deal. It’s just a day out in the new school as a kind of orientation - nothing more than a school trip really. I don’t know why you thing you need a quiet weekend to prepare for it. Your DD got a card and a gift but instead of being grateful you’re miffed that she didn’t get a phone call too? You do sound incredibly petty, but you already know that.

There’s no jealousy. Of course I’m sad for my children and DH but not jealous. As I stated they have my parents and a great relationship with them as well as my brother and his children. I have their support too. We don’t have anything like this within our family.

Your mother texts every morning and afternoon to check your dd got to school? No wonder you think MIL isn’t interested if all she did was send a present😂. Constant messaging twice a day to check she arrived is massive overkill-so maybe that’s skewed your view as to what is normal. In my opinion MIL has done nothing wrong! And SATS should t mean anything at all to a child.