To be a bit petty/spiteful

[Tarunos]

It’s a MIL one.
MIL has a big birthday coming up, right in the middle of DDs important school dates, transition day etc. MIL is not local.
MIL did not bother to contact DD on DDs birthday, however we received a parcel and card. No call or text. DD has had some quite important tests recently and again no contact from MIL to wish DD good luck or ask how she’d got on. MIL is aware of the tests as her other GC are the same age and also doing them.
We met up with MIL and FIL a few weeks ago and they were both very ignorant towards all our DC. DH and I were a little miffed.

So now we have MIL big birthday coming. We’ve been asked to book a hotel for the weekend to celebrate. As I said it’s in the middle of DDs important school dates although a weekend. With everything that’s been building, I really feel like saying “no, DC and I will not be attending as it’s too much”.
I know part of me is doing it to be petty, although I feel warranted and of course the other is genuinely DD will find it all stressful with everything else going on at school in the week before and after.

AIBU to say no?

You are your family aren't supporting parts in the lives of the In-Laws. If your OH is hurt by their behaviour then let him take the lead about what you do.

You will get a hard time on this thread because you didn't let us have the wider context in the OP; but I can say that as someone who has In-Laws who don't bother with our children while seeing the other GC pretty much every day, it's pretty hurtful for both your child and your husband.

Did you miss the part where MIL attends all her other grand children’s birthdays, except OP’s? How is that not wrong?

Agree with this

Dont do it- prioritise your child, not your mil. Simples.

Have an honest chat with him and reach agreement on what contact with them will look like. After the laser tag debacle, the lack of real holidays, and the massive expense you've gone to over the years - I'd say it's time to have your own Christmas, your own birthdays, your own parties, your own holidays. You all deserve so much better.

It’s obvious why resentment has built up, I don’t see how other posters are blaming you for feeling this way. If it doesn’t suit you just say unfortunately it’s bad timing to make the trip and either don’t go or just your DH go.

Who the heck texts every morning and afternoon? That's an unhealthy level on enmeshment from your mother.

I'm close with my parents who live a long way away. We speak perhaps once a month the odd message. We don't need to be in touch all the time. We are there for each other if needed. We visit 4 x a year

I think you have very unrealistic expectations

I'm older and I manage

No
It's not

I agree

Because mil lives next to other grandchildren

I wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t feel bad about it either. Send a card & gift and leave it at that.

I’ve hit this with PIL, I truly don’t care about them ignoring my birthday or my husband’s but this year they didn’t bother turning up to my daughter’s birthday, didn’t ask to see her, no card, no call, nothing. It’s fair to say last year will have been the last year we celebrate their birthdays :)

How about you go, with DD to MIL event and have a break from the stress! Don't drive a wedge for the sake of it.

Then you should have pointed that out and suggested the teams were adjusted, kids against grown ups maybe to mix it up a bit. You do seem to hold on to the grudges, do you know the saying “ a grudge will rot the pocket you keep it in. “

A number of posters have queried whether your dd phoned her granny to say “Thankyou” for her birthday gift, have I missed your response.

I think people will find it hard to relate if they don’t a grandparent setup where one set of grandchildren are treated more favorably. We have this with in laws and have set really clear boundaries. Don’t make it about the SATS or transition days etc as people will get stuck on that. It’s actually you feel your children aren’t prioritized or treated fairly and so you now can’t be bothered to take them for what feels like a put on show of family, when your children aren’t even treated equally to the other grandchildren. It’s poor form to not call on their birthday especially when they attend the others parties. We have similar and I get completely what you are trying to say. I also wouldn’t be bothered if I felt like MIl couldn’t be bothered to even call my child on their birthday.

You can dislike your mother'n'law for whatever reason you want - and certainly her lack of interest in your kids is enough!

But not going because of 'transition day' ie I guess primary to high school? And these exams she's not asked about is SATs where the kids won't have the results yet? I'm not seeing this a big deal to be honest and the visit is on the weekend.... but that said you don't want to go don't go.

‘DCs have never been on holiday as every school holiday has been spent travelling and paying to stay where MIL and FIL are. We have exhausted ourselves, our finances and our children trying to have a relationship with them.’

No more OP! Prioritise your children first!

Of course it's ok for anyone not to go to a grown adult's birthday party for any reason they like, however trivial.

I think you're over inflating the importance of year 6 SATS....
And how interested other family members should be in them.
I font i told my mum ( the kids' nan) when they were doing theirs.

Take your children on holiday for Godsakes. Your missing out on creating your family memories so your DH can chase the dream of being important to his parents.

He's not. He's either the black sheep or they are punishing him for being the child who moved away. Neither is OK and i think he needs to have counselling to work through it because its going to be affecting his nuclear family.

Your kids are not going to miss out on having grandparents because they have your parents. Stop being walk overs. Don't go and tell them why, who cares if there's a family blow out because they clearly don't like you all much anyway and once you see that you'll stop chasing them

I'll repeat take your kids on holiday!

Send a message to say you can't make it and go very low contact moving forwards.

If you don’t want to go then don’t go but don’t use sats and a day at big school as a reason not to go. It’s utterly pathetic. Your child will have a great time at the party with all her cousins, those are the best of parties.

Let it go. Match their energy. You’re wasting negative energy on something that’s likely not going to change. It must be draining to spend so much headspace on this.

Get a grip - Sats are not a big deal, are you making transitioning a big deal because that will not help your dd feel less anxious. Refuse to go to your Mil's birthday if you want but you sound like a 5-year-old throwing a what about me tantrum. You are making yourself look bad.

Even though you would not be unreasonable to not go... there is a bigger picture here to consider - family, extended family relationships are often complicated and at times strained.

The birthday event has the potential to improve the connection with you and all of your children... so go - create better memories.