To be a bit petty/spiteful

[Tarunos]

It’s a MIL one.
MIL has a big birthday coming up, right in the middle of DDs important school dates, transition day etc. MIL is not local.
MIL did not bother to contact DD on DDs birthday, however we received a parcel and card. No call or text. DD has had some quite important tests recently and again no contact from MIL to wish DD good luck or ask how she’d got on. MIL is aware of the tests as her other GC are the same age and also doing them.
We met up with MIL and FIL a few weeks ago and they were both very ignorant towards all our DC. DH and I were a little miffed.

So now we have MIL big birthday coming. We’ve been asked to book a hotel for the weekend to celebrate. As I said it’s in the middle of DDs important school dates although a weekend. With everything that’s been building, I really feel like saying “no, DC and I will not be attending as it’s too much”.
I know part of me is doing it to be petty, although I feel warranted and of course the other is genuinely DD will find it all stressful with everything else going on at school in the week before and after.

AIBU to say no?

You’re being weird.
Maybe your daughter should have been the one to phone her, to say thank you for the present.

MIL did not bother to contact DD on DDs birthday, however we received a parcel and card. No call or text.

Except for the one that day when your DD called to thank them for the gift and card, right? Because that’s how that goes… they send a parcel and card in advance and then when the recipient opens them on their birthday they call and say thank you and the giver says oh you’re quite welcome, happy birthday.

All that (drip feed) and you’re going to use your DD and her “transition” as the excuse?

If you’re not happy, get your DH to deal with it, but don’t use your DD as the excuse!

What does your DH think? Does he want to go? I wouldn't want to pay for a hotel for an event that I wouldn't enjoy. Just stay at home with your DD. In what way were your in-laws ignorant to your children the last time you saw them?

Does your DH want to go? It’s his mother. If he does, then you should all go. If he doesn’t, then you don’t.

So did your daughter make any contact to thank them for her birthday gift?

We went to laser tag with them and BIL, their children and partner. We needed two teams of equal number. They had enough in their team without MIL and FIL, so my DC said nana and grandpa come with us and dad on our team, it would have been equal as I was sat out. MIL and FIL said no and went with BIL family. DCs were then in the smaller and losing team and shunned by GPs

Yes she did, she sent a text message to her nana thanking her for the parcel. She didn’t hear back. DH had said he let MIL know it had arrived and she sent a one word reply.

You’re sounding more and more petty, spiteful and slightly unhinged with every post. Now you’re stoking up your personal feud with who picked who in laser tag teams?

OP, is this really the person you want to be?

Am guessing theMIL is mid 60s.
I can honestly say she probably cannot keep up with other peoples lives,times,dates,appointments blah blah . I really care about my family and friends but my brain is full and I don’t remember everything.

So people point out various things about how you're being a BU and now we get some big old dripfeeds which change things a bit?
Hmm

Stop trying then.

Why didn’t your daughter phone and speak to her grandparents? Texting is unacceptable to you but not from you it seems.
ChickenEggChicken nails it.

DCs have never been on holiday as every school holiday has been spent travelling and paying to stay where MIL and FIL are. We have exhausted ourselves, our finances and our children trying to have a relationship with them.

Why? Sounds absolutely bizarre.

This behaviour is affecting ting your kids so just stop now. They don’t deserve to be wasting every holiday on. I wouldn’t go there for her birthday and I’d cut back. Hope your dd is ok.

So again, why are you blaming some random non truth as to why you aren’t going?

Why if you think you’re right, is DH not dealing with it?

Is it a DH issue?

You clearly don't like your PIL, and you come across as quite Martyr'ish in your posts... The way you describe the amount of time you've dedicated to seeing/visiting/hosting etc.

They quite possibly feel the same way about you. In fact from what you've described they really don't want to interact with you that much. You seem to force the issue though.
Maybe just accept that they're really just not that 'into you'. You seem very overbearing OP.
Maybe just focus on your family, and back off keep trying to control the relationships with you PIL.
Your over exaggeration of a lot of their behaviour is very telling.

Agree. Stop trying, OP. They don't care. Your children will continue to feel left out the longer this goes on. That's not fair to them. DH can go to the birthday if he wants. It's his mother.

I am very close to my DGDs and I didn't message them to ask about their SATs. Why should I? DS and DIL didn't expect it. It just adds tension to something that stresses them anyway.

It's the same with birthdays - I send cards and presents, I don't bombard them with phone calls as well. I rather suspect that if your MIL did this, you'd be on here complaining about how intrusive she was.

I suspect a little exaggaration in your account of all the effort you have put into establishing a relationship over the last 20 years - why would you do all of that? Accept the relationship that's there. If it's genuinely cold and distant, then they are the ones who will miss out.

Her big do is on a weekend so I’m not sure why it clashes with transition day. I think you’re being a bit mean.

They sound mean, treating your DC like that. Don't go to MILs birthday party.

No, she's upset because her children asked their grandparents to go on their team and they refused and joined the already larger team with their other grandchildren. They sound petty and spiteful towards their grandchildren.

Nah bollocks to her, they clearly don't favour your kids and just want you to dawn for photos. I wouldn't bother, I less the kids would enjoy seeing cousins.

So why isn’t she dealing with that? Instead of using some petty excuse?

Huh? My in laws or even my parents wouldn’t think of calling on a birthday. They’d send a card and it cash/present (and I hope your child sent them a thank you card)!. Or wishing good luck on exams (unless seeing in person). I think you are being a bit precious.