To be a bit petty/spiteful

[Tarunos]

It’s a MIL one.
MIL has a big birthday coming up, right in the middle of DDs important school dates, transition day etc. MIL is not local.
MIL did not bother to contact DD on DDs birthday, however we received a parcel and card. No call or text. DD has had some quite important tests recently and again no contact from MIL to wish DD good luck or ask how she’d got on. MIL is aware of the tests as her other GC are the same age and also doing them.
We met up with MIL and FIL a few weeks ago and they were both very ignorant towards all our DC. DH and I were a little miffed.

So now we have MIL big birthday coming. We’ve been asked to book a hotel for the weekend to celebrate. As I said it’s in the middle of DDs important school dates although a weekend. With everything that’s been building, I really feel like saying “no, DC and I will not be attending as it’s too much”.
I know part of me is doing it to be petty, although I feel warranted and of course the other is genuinely DD will find it all stressful with everything else going on at school in the week before and after.

AIBU to say no?

@Tarunos how far away do your inlaws live from you? why do you have to pay for their travel?????

I think you have very engaged grandparents nearby which skews your view of those further away. Some of their "crimes" are minor. I wouldn't make contact about SATs and I'm pretty sure my own parents don't see /phone every birthday.

However as a wider pattern of behaviour clearly they are not as close to you and your family. Some of this will be the distance and you can't change that.

I'd agree to one weekend and not the other.

This. Your daughter should have phoned gp to thank them

They live about 4 hours away. We’ve paid for their travel as it was the only way we could get them to visit, and why we continued to offer. DH has been and collected them. FIL does drive and they have a car.

May I point out that if money is a factor, you should have emphasized it in your original post?
Still, isn't two days cheaper than a week? For that matter, for one or two days, couldn't you share the room? Then you can guilt-trip your MIL about how unconvenient it is. For that matter, if your husband isn't pleased, either, maybe he's the one who should deal with her.

i feel bad for your DC, GP should behave much better than this, specifically thinking of laser tag team - very unkind. I would match their energy and it’s not spiteful / petty imo sometimes you just reach the end of the road in terms of effort. I’m not suggesting no contact / low contact but just step back whether that’s after / before this big birthday is up to you. I would quietly step back and prioritize your own family for holidays, it sounds exhausting all this expectation from his family and not much by way of return in terms of consideration.

Be petty if you like. I think it is fine. Feel free to drop the rope.

For whatever reason your PILs don't want the same relationship with you or your dcs with their other grandchildren despite your efforts over 20 years.

It is time to start pulling back and enjoying what you have with your own DPs. You cannot force a relationship on someone. You cannot force reciprocity. It is ok to start protecting yourself. Be breezy and nonchalant and internally flip them the bird.

YADNBU I wouldn’t bother with them at all! The utter cheek of them! Awful humans. That’s not being a grandparent, they sound awful.

I don't see how a weekend activity would impact her school activities? Surely she'd be home on Sunday in a reasonable time fir school the next morning?
Does you DH want to go? It is his mum so even if you and DD don't want to join in, he can go if he wishes surely?

People have lives ?? Just because your Mum does these things ??

Also I’m disgusted at all the posters on here, doing serious mental gymnastics in order to try find OP at fault somehow. Are you that desperate for a pile on? Stop being apologists for what is very clearly an appalling case of favouritism towards the other set of GDC and ‘black sheep’ behaviour towards OP’s DH & DC. It’s disgusting and the PPs trying to defend it are flat out shameful

Have you not read any of OP’s subsequent posts? If not then I strongly suggest you do. You might think differently

So it’s perfectly ok for the grandparents to not bother with their own grandchildren because they have ‘other things going on’ (this is something I only ever see on MN IRL grandparents all seem to very much be interested and care for their grandchildren) but OP would somehow be at fault for them not having a relationship with the DC because she doesn’t go to the party?

That makes zero sense. I’m with you OP YANBU.

Transition days and SATS will be a big deal to your child. I’d support them and let DH look after the rest.

WTF are you doing paying for travel or collecting them if they drive and have a car??? that's bonkers. Plus, presumably they could take a train/hire a car etc etc. If they want to visit then they can sort themselves out.

This!!

you are making a ridiculous fuss over SATS

good grief i hate to think how you will approach GCSEs / A Levels etc .

Sorry I don't understand the English system - is this exams in primary school?!

Yes they’re taken in the summer term of year 6 which is the final year of primary school in England.

If your DD had received a card and gift surely she should have been texting/ ringing her grandparents to thank them and not the other way around?

I read through the updates before voting; you are definately not being unreasonable! Your DH, and by extension your DC, are not the Golden Ones, so to lift a bit of stress from DD give this event a swerve. Perhaps DH go alone if he feels he must; do you get ignored at gatherings in favour of siblings/DN&N? You live a long way away, do a lot to facilitate expensive in-person contact with the IL's, who seem to go out of their way to be awkward. So if your little family continue with phone and text contact, thanks for gifts/cards etc and visit when it is mutually convenient ( and reciprocated) then you have nothing to be critisised for. In wedding parlace, it's an invite, not a summons. Their loss, not yours.

@Tarunos

What's Einstein's definition of insanity? "Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result".

So why don't you just stop? You've been trying for years and nothing's changed. At this point I think you're just trying to prove to yourself 'See how they are?'.

Leave it up to your DH to deal with them as far as any future visits go. As far as her birthday, go or don't go because you do or do not want to. Refusing to go in order to 'make a point' is usually an exercise in futility. They'll either not care that you aren't there or it'll give them something juicy to chew on. Either way, who really cares?

I think you have unreasonable expectations, OP. I particular I think you fail to make allowances for the difference in proximity. Not being physically close by makes for a very different relationship, especially when children are involved. We're the poor cousins with our families in this regard, having moved abroad. My DP and DPIL are all closer to their other grandchildren. They sometimes forget to send presents for birthdays, they sometimes forget when something big has happened that they would remember for their other DGC. But they are closer to those GC because they see them weekly or more and it's down to DH and I that their relationship with our DC is weaker in the sense of them knowing each other well. They still love our DC and are happy when things go well for them, proud of their achievements and devastated when there is a big problem. But they don't remember every detail because we just aren't there. Words on a screen, or even pictures are nothing like the same as face-to-face contact. And this is especially true with children who change so much physically. Equally, we don't know as much about our DPs as our siblings do, though we love them too. It's unreasonable to expect someone to have the same knowledge of what's going on in your life if you aren't close by as they do for the people they see far more frequently. And that affects your relationships.

It may be that there's more going on here. You say they treated your DC ignorantly when they last saw them. Possibly that is something more than the impact of not seeing them often. But the birthday thing sounds, frankly, ridiculous on your part. The sent a card and a present, that's lovely of them and far more effort than a text or call on the day. So, again, it makes me think you really aren't giving them a fair shake.

Just back off from them, I grew up with my dads parents favouring my cousins more than me. My mum always was the one to make the effort to keep me in their lives. I really didn't care either way and still dont. I lovec my mums parents (my grandparents) and they loved me so that was enough.

Just look at the thread title and the OP's first post. Plenty there to justify disagreement by posters. This is AIBU in case you hadn't noticed.

Cue lots of backstory that could have been put in the OP's first post in the first place. Quelle surprise.