To be a bit petty/spiteful

[Tarunos]

It’s a MIL one.
MIL has a big birthday coming up, right in the middle of DDs important school dates, transition day etc. MIL is not local.
MIL did not bother to contact DD on DDs birthday, however we received a parcel and card. No call or text. DD has had some quite important tests recently and again no contact from MIL to wish DD good luck or ask how she’d got on. MIL is aware of the tests as her other GC are the same age and also doing them.
We met up with MIL and FIL a few weeks ago and they were both very ignorant towards all our DC. DH and I were a little miffed.

So now we have MIL big birthday coming. We’ve been asked to book a hotel for the weekend to celebrate. As I said it’s in the middle of DDs important school dates although a weekend. With everything that’s been building, I really feel like saying “no, DC and I will not be attending as it’s too much”.
I know part of me is doing it to be petty, although I feel warranted and of course the other is genuinely DD will find it all stressful with everything else going on at school in the week before and after.

AIBU to say no?

I seriously hope you are referring to A levels and not fucking SATS!!!!

i am a secondary teacher of 30 years and we don’t give two shits what any child got in their SATS they are utterly pointless

I would match their energy and send a present and a card. I wouldn’t be putting myself out for a relationship of indifference.

You are not show ponies.

I wouldn't go, she isn't interested in your life or your children so why should you be interested in her life.

If DH wants to go, he can. Enjoy your weekend.

It is not being petty when you have reason not to like her.

I wouldn't bother going. I know what it's like when you're the one that has to make all the effort and nobody reasonable would think poorly of you for drawing a line. I also thought when my daughter was younger that it was better to keep making the effort for her benefit but honestly the benefit was minimal. So now is my effort.

My parents forgot my birthday once. They ordinarily would call - but nothing all day or even that week or the next week after that.
I didn’t say anything, but my feelings were hurt, especially since this was the first time I’d ever lived across the country from them.
Then about a month later, a large box arrived in the mail - it was filled with cat food & treats & toys and a $250 gift card towards the exact cat food he ate.
It was from my parents.
They also included a very sweet apology note.
And it was my cat’s birthday - I don’t know how they knew that, but I laughed.
Because everybody forgets something sometime.

Well good for you!

On a side note I do wish someone would pass this message on to primary school teachers. I did mean SATs, I have two older that have been through them and this year was the most ramped up and stressful that I’ve ever known. Expecting revision over the Easter holidays, being told to put post it notes in their rooms, SATs breakfasts and being constantly told that they were used to predict GCSEs. It was utterly horrendous. My other DCs had a far more relaxed build up and weren’t stressed at all.

You don't think it rude of your daughter to only text her grandmother and not call.

What more response did DH need other than thanks ?

I think it’s fine for DH to go on his own without you and DD, if it’ll interrupt her important dates. She might not be the only Gc not attending.

Texting is very much what the in-laws do. DH has to ask if it’s convenient for him to call if he needs to talk to them. It doesn’t work the other way, they will call if they want to.

They sound horrible to be honest.

I would tell them to shove it up their arses.

Your actual thread is asking are you being unreasonable to be petty/spiteful so at least you acknowledge that is what you are being I guess.

Your child's exams are very important and they need your support. If your partner wants to go to his mom's party then go for it. But you are quite right to want to stay home and be there to support your child. She can celebrate her birthday on a different day - your child has no say over when to take their examinations. You'd kick yourself later on if your child needed you for help/got anxious etc while you were away at that party. You won't kick yourself for missing a birthday party.
Edited to add: sorry! I mistakenly quoted the whole post not just the bit I was actually quoting - and the "edit" feature won't allow me to remove said big quote - sorry!!!

I wonder if the child phoned/messaged her grandmother for the card and gift she had kindly sent her?
When my grandchildren have tests or exams I will send a good luck message but I don't phone to see they went, most pupils want to forget about them once they're over and also if they were in some way upset I don't want to make it worse.

What a pity that there are no such things as cars and trains.

I'm not sure why the only options are yes/no. What about, "Oh, I'm so sorry we can't come for a week, but we'll come for two nights"?

The cost of one night in a local travel lodge for 2 rooms is almost £400. They live in a very touristy area and it’s incredibly expensive once the warmer weather hits. For Father’s Day and MIL birthday it will cost us approximately £800. This doesn’t include fuel, meals or gifts.

I had a friend like this. So entitled. I sent her kid £50 on her 13th birthday via my friends bank and I was seeing the kid a few days later. And it still wasn’t enough for her because I didn’t call.

She made digs about grandparents/aunties etc who didn’t bother to call her child on her actual birthday. I’m pretty sure it was aimed at me as her kids call me aunty.

Mind you she (my friend) rarely bothered to remember my birthday…or send me a present.

I think if they don’t make an effort you should stop trying and take your kids on holiday somewhere nice rather than travel hundreds of miles to visit people who aren’t bothered about you. As for instructing you to book a hotel to celebrate her birthday I would say no thanks. I would let the lack of interest over SATS and transition days go though.

Good point. Did she @Tarunos ?

The same friend i mentioned above would never ask her kid (who had my number) to text me to say thank you for present but yet she was quick to complain if I didn’t make contact with her child. That was the last present I ever got for her kids.

Tired of people who just want more and more for their kids but fail to give the bare minimum in show of gratitude.

ETA: I see you’ve answered this already Op and your daughter did say thanks which is great. So many kids don’t.

Maybe MiL was expecting a call from your DD to say thank you for the card and gift?

If DD is stressed about school tests and transition days its probably only because you're making such a big thing of them.

I really don't think it's being petty or spiteful at all to not go. Your DH's brother is so obviously the golden child and DH the scapegoat. Nothing you do will change that.
I would simply stop seeing them.
Actually I would have stopped seeing them years ago when all this first started.
My grandma always favoured my cousins - they got brand new presents and we got stuff from jumble sales. She would never babysit us but did it all the time for them. Left her to it.
My MIL actually favoured her niece over my DH and would go and visit every week but never came to us. Left her to it as well. DH would go and visit for an hour each weekend but I stopped going and stopped DS going too.

Oh just sack the lot of them off.

They sound hard work. Good GPs wouldn't need to be chased to show interest in their son or GCs.

I think it's really sad what they expect of you when your effort is not reciprocated.

Save the money and spend it on a nice holiday with your family. Invite your mum along and stop trying to be "fair" to PIL.

I think a call would be normal to wish happy birthday but also, the kid could have called to say thank you!

I would stay at home with DC too OP. Your dh can attend if he wants to. This is clearly not just about them not calling to wish happy birthday or enquiring about exams , there seems to be double standard treatment between the grandchilden, your in laws can go eff themselves. I'd be going lc from now.