To be a bit petty/spiteful

[Tarunos]

It’s a MIL one.
MIL has a big birthday coming up, right in the middle of DDs important school dates, transition day etc. MIL is not local.
MIL did not bother to contact DD on DDs birthday, however we received a parcel and card. No call or text. DD has had some quite important tests recently and again no contact from MIL to wish DD good luck or ask how she’d got on. MIL is aware of the tests as her other GC are the same age and also doing them.
We met up with MIL and FIL a few weeks ago and they were both very ignorant towards all our DC. DH and I were a little miffed.

So now we have MIL big birthday coming. We’ve been asked to book a hotel for the weekend to celebrate. As I said it’s in the middle of DDs important school dates although a weekend. With everything that’s been building, I really feel like saying “no, DC and I will not be attending as it’s too much”.
I know part of me is doing it to be petty, although I feel warranted and of course the other is genuinely DD will find it all stressful with everything else going on at school in the week before and after.

AIBU to say no?

Older people also have busy lives and have to keep focussed on their own daily grind.
You are being petty.
They sent your DD a present and a card.
The party will be a great distraction for DD and help her relax and do well. Make sure she has good sleep the night before and after the party. She will have prepared for weeks.
Celebrating with MIL is more than just MIL. Don't you want to see the extended family?
Surely DD deserves to interact with her cousins, aunts etc and be part of the family.

From now on, take one family holiday per year that is totally indulgent in where you go. I think you are resentful that you, as a family, have forgotten to do that.

My DC has had a very normal build up to SATS. Yes they naturally felt a little stressed on the Sunday,the tests are for the school not you as an individual. It's their first exams at 11 years old! To mark it so heavily with family adds unnecessary pressure in my opinion. It's sweet that friends have asked and they sent a card and a gift but it really is NOT the same as a milestone birthday.

To prove my point, ask how many 18 or 21 year olds can quote their SATS scores? I predict zero!

And those are 2 milestone birthdays way beyond SATS.

@Tarunos Sorry I meant to say I'm sorry that your DC have felt that pressure and anxiety. It wasn't at all necessary if it came from the teachers. I've not heard of post it's and revision cycles like this.

💯

OK, YANBU to reject any invitation for any reason. It's not a summons (admittedly, some invitations do seem like summonses!)

YABU not to go for the reasons you originally said but, going by your updates, you're flogging a dead horse with this relationship anyway. DH is their least favourite son, so you're their least favourite DIL and your kids their least favourite GC. It is what it is.

Don't splash out on the party, do politely decline without reasons. Just sorry, won't be able to go, thanks for the invitation and have a lovely time. Do send a gift and card.

Lean back, take a deep breath, and enjoy your new mental picture of your family with this branch of it ---->> over there somewhere. Light-touch only 🙂

My mum texts me every morning and afternoon to check if DCs went to school ok and asks if they had a good day

Good lord, I’d be setting my phone on fire to make it stop.

When I was young I thought I would spend my sixties doing sweet fa and having a peaceful time but I have been busier than ever, caring for elderly parents etc. I wouldn’t have a clue about the significant dates of the younger generation.

I suspect one issue here is measuring relationships only by your own version of what a relationship must be and perhaps not accepting what you have due to focussing on what you don’t. This tit for tat attitude of ‘I’ll only be interested if I get x, y and z’ is pretty selfish and unhealthy in my view. It gets dressed up as ‘putting me first’ but it sometimes seems to be an excuse to avoid life’s disappointments and differences of view. Perhaps your MIL has different priorities and things going on in her life too. It doesn’t mean they don’t care about your DD or that they can’t have a relationship. It’s just different to the one fantasised about.

Thst sounds a lot like people pleading to me and op has described a one sided dynamic, that has been raised directly with them many times.

Of course all relationships look different, but both sides have to invest time, energy and effort into the relationship not just side, otherwise if breeds anger and resentment.

Given the distinct lack of effort made by them why should op and her dh go? Just to play a role and people please? It’s going to cost them nearly £1000!

It is common and likely that dh has been the black sheep all along and has had to live in this dynamic for his whole life, that is what op is saying if you read all of her posts. Dh has tried to address the issues with them - they have ignored him, and that is disrespectful.

No doubt dh feels sidelined and ignored, hurt by their lack of interest and effort in his family.

It would be best if op and her dh make much less effort. Cut back on the visits, stop paying for them to visit. Take the children on a proper holiday, and stop investing in people that don’t care about them.

Thar way they can maintain a distant, cordial fairly balanced relationship that is not harmful and painful, and full of resentment. As you said all relationships look different, and maybe it’s time to accept that this relationship doesn’t have much depth, love or richness despite the op’s best efforts.

Matching their energy and effort is the best way forward.

I’m seeing the problem…you!

How do you use SATS as a reason for not going to your MIL birthday party. And how is a transition day stressful. Insane.

the SATS are finished and mean nothing, they are to test that the school can teach to the curriculum, and they have absolutely zero bearing on how your child does in life.

if you (and your husband) continue to be bratty and ‘woe is me’ about not being the favourite, why would you expect to have a good relationship with your in-laws.

I would be passing the message onto the school myself about the pressure they were putting my child under.

It all sounds very unfair. Don't be petty for the sake of it though as no good comes from that, but if you don't want to go because of the past then don't. You're allowed!

Sometimes with things like this the anger at the continual injustice of it creates a self-sabotaging effect where you keep going back for more just to point out how awful the person is yet again. I don't know that that's what happening here, but it makes me wonder when they've clearly shown you how they want to behave and yet you do things like still offer to pay, let the teams be unfair on your kids etc. You go in knowing something will happen that you'll be furious about, but you walk in willingly anyway. Stop getting angry and just accept the crapness for what it is. Sometimes that might mean being the bigger person out of kindness and going to an event. Sometimes it might mean staying away because you know you'll feel too cross or you just can't deal with it. Sometimes it might be walking away in the midst of something to protect your children or to stand up for yourself.

Make a team effort with your DH to decide where your boundaries are for the kids benefit as you don't want them to feel second class in this mess.

Petty and spiteful? Tick. Tick. Yep, you got it.

Gransnet is here in force defending the indefensible.

Your mil’s big birthday is more significant than SATs in the scheme of things.

This is true

@Tarunos it doesnt really sound like they want to spend any time with you, does it? have a car but you need to collect them? lazy shits!!

@Tarunos definitely read this again! this is what you and your dh should do!

@Tarunos forget about transition days and stress for your DD - they are non-issues. As others have said, your in laws have made minimal effort over many years and have sat back whilst your family made far too much effort to encourage them into a relationship with your children. They're not interested. You don't need excuses. Match the effort. Match the energy. Please yourselves. I thinkyou might actually be angry with yourselves about how much time, energy and money you have wasted on these people. What do you want to do about father's day and MIL's birthday? Do that. You don't have to spend time and energy rewarding their shitty behaviour. I'd send a father's day card and a token gift for MIL and say we won't be able to join you. The end.

So, favouritism, as well as can't-be-botheredness.

Then you get the grand summons.

I would be matching her energy, and if doing what I think is right by my child comes with that, that's an added bonus.

Not to the OP, obviously.

The reason I attempt to think of an excuse for not going is because DH leaves all the booking and organising to me. His parents know this and if we are unable to go they ask what I did or didn’t do.

We didn’t attend a big birthday for DH grandparent a few years ago and were then emotionally blackmailed with messages saying the Grandparent might not make next birthday etc. We didn’t attend as we genuinely couldn’t but it was over a month of communication that we should have been there or DH should have been there. DH struggles with this.

I haven’t and won’t book or arrange anything for these two events. DH has his head firmly in the sand about them, not discussing or looking at hotels. I think he’s hoping that he will leave it so late and there won’t be anything available. I have suggested therapy so many times to DH, many of his issues are from how his family have treated him, then us and now our children.

Then you need to place the responsibility firmly back with your DH. He is your main problem here. He sounds very head-in-the-sand. You don't really need to engage with your in laws, explain or make excuses with them. I would ignore them and leave it to DH.

Maybe the kids would enjoy it?

If they see more of the other GC they’re obv going to be closer. Do they turn down tour invites to special occasions or home visits?

Yes they do, DH had a big birthday and we invited them, they declined but MIL especially made a fuss about seeing him over his birthday. We ended up travelling there with a DHs friends and their families who also wanted to celebrate his birthday.