AIBU to stop my partner from forcing our daughter into more sports?

[Opalskies]

In my family we have a rule that our kids need to do an athletic activity outside of school. Just one, to keep them active and healthy.

My DH is very athletic, and enjoys a wide range of sports, which is a hobby that he shares with our son. My daughter on the other hand, only enjoys playing tennis, but would much rather be reading or drawing.

The problem is that DH wants our daughter to stop doing the activities she loves and replace them with more sports, something she doesn't want to do.

I don't want to force my daughter into playing additional sports she doesn't want to do, and so I put my foot down, saying no, but my DH keeps insisting.

Am I being unreasonable though?

Our rule from when our kids started school, was one physical activity or sport - something we both agreed on.
It's only now that he wants out daughter to do more.

I absolutely detested PE at school. I lacked coordination, was picked last for everything and hated 'team sports'. Now as an adult, I much prefer walking or using light weights to keep healthy. If a child WANTS to do sports, that's fine, let them pick what they enjoy. Don't force a child into doing something they hate, on the premise it's to keep them 'healthy'. All you're going to achieve is making the child miserable, withdrawn and resentful. Your daughter shouldn't be made to stop the activities she enjoys, to fit in with your husband's ideal expectations. Ask your husband to give up one of his activities he enjoys, and push him into flower arranging classes, because he's got to embrace his creative side!! I bet he'd tell you where you can shove the flower arranging classes! If your daughter wants to choose another sporty activity on top of the tennis and her creative/reading activities, then that's OK but no one should be forcing her into anything, and certainly not expect her to stop her other activities she enjoys. We're all different, and that's something your husband would do well to remember.

I'm failing to understand why your response to me is to ask me this! Way to deflect!

Your DH is being unreasonable. She's doing a sport, four times per week, on top of being at school full-time. Tell him to stop changing the goal posts and remind him he's not the boss.

I mean you shouldn’t be ‘forcing’ children to do sports full stop - and your DH is even worse. DS is 9 and does football only but I was his choice. Aren’t most children running around a lot anyway? Even with going on the Switch he does PE 3 times a week on school and plays in our garden.

Children should do activities they enjoy - not forced into doing something physical. It a child is overweight that is a different thing but that should be done with health professionals anyway.

But she’s already doing her “one“ sport. Tennis. Several times a week.

She must be very fit and healthy doing this.

Are you saying your DH wants her to do more sport? And to stop doing the other activities she enjoys (reading and drawing) so she can do another sport instead?

Your DH is mad! He’s controlling and obviously doesn’t want what’s best for his DD. It sounds like he wants his children to be “mini mes”, not thinking that they are people in their own right with different wants and views.

As their Mother, you need to advocate for your DD here. You need to tell him to back off. She’s already playing tennis and doesn’t to be doing anymore sport if she doesn’t want to. Your DD will thank you for it.

And, sometimes posters who go on to make comments that have nothing to do with what they are replying to, can come across as a bit of a wind up merchant too, whether intended or not. Your posts have also been a bit dramatic, which is another reason why I thought you were on the wind up.

Only you know whether you are or not!

She plays 4 times a week and he wants her to do more ?
He sounds mean and there is a good chance he will end up damaging his relationship with his kids.
Surely reading and art are to be encouraged too.

from this "I believe that we all need to do a few hours of physical activity every single day" which you posted.

I get your post

but I think it's rather depressing that if someone says they have to take their dog for a walk every day, or they watch whatever hours of tv every day, people just nod, smile and think nothing of it

but if you dare say that you are actively doing a sport during these same hours, some people shake their head in disbelief and think you are on a wind-up.

People exercise first thing in the morning, during their lunch break, late afternoon or in the evening. Plenty of adults are active for at least a couple of hours a day between full time jobs and children and home chores.

Is it because we are on an on-line forum that being active is taken as trying to wind people up?

She tried Judo with her brother but hated it. We haven't tried any other type of martial arts though.

I think I should also say (Not specifically at you @YearlySubscriptionRenewal but for everyone) that if she ever decides that she wants to do something else aside from tennis or instead of tennis, then she absolutely can.

My point was that the husband was not "a twat" as described above for wanting his kid to do more sport. Because many of us actually do, and it's normal and I believe better for you.

So why would I be on a wind-up? It seems that being active is just as normal for some families as being "not active" is for others.

It's not fair on your daughter, the other kids in the group or the teacher/leader to attend a hobby you have no interest in. The place could be taken by someone who loves it and would get plenty out of it.

I think it's ridiculous to force extra curricular activities of any description on children. Waste of time, effort and money.

If anything it will put her off of all sport for life if she feels it's a way for her dad to try and control her life and her interests. She'll soon be a young adult.

no, again you want to do it that's your choice, I think that the comments are around MAKING a child do something because a parent wants them to. Bringing children up to have a certain amount of physical activity in their lives for the good of their health is fine. Insisting its sport, insisting its more than one sport, insisting they give up reading or creative activities to fit more sport in, NOT fine.

I'll leave it there with you i think, I made a decision a little while ago to stop engaging and wasting my time with people who i dont think are posting in good faith (not saying I think you're a troll or whatever, I just CBA with sealioning or people who deflect as a pp said) it gets tedious for everyone.

enjoy your evening!

But is it really either slobbing about in front of the TV all day or doing an organised sport?

I know times have changed a lot, but it does make me sad to think that kids now need to consciously do something 'organised' to keep fit.
To be reliant on teams and clubs at 10, as opposed to simply 'playing out'.

Threads like this make me misty-eyed and feeling very grateful for the days when we were turfed out of the front door in the morning. Only the very posh kids did 'organised' sport. Most of us just played out. The hours I spent on my bike, on roller skates, doing handstands and cartwheels down the rec.

Oh, I know it's not possible now, but it is such a shame we have to shoehorn forced activity into our kid's lives like this at this age.

Of course not. Your husband is unreasonable.

Helicopter parenting, pushing your kids to do too much, inadequate down time, the inability to use their imagination as they never get a chance are all detrimental to kids. As are overstressed, overtired parents who feel pressured into their kids doing multiple extra curricular activities because everyone else does.

Kids survived for generations without constant organised activities. It's not neglect.

Plus the daughter already enjoys reading, drawing and tennis. A perfectly adequate amount on top of school.

The OP did, when she said:

The problem is that DH wants our daughter to stop doing the activities she loves and replace them with more sports

And

instead of spending Saturday afternoon reading, replace it with a sport.

6 hours of sport a week?

I'd be bored rigid.

Only 8 years for her to go before her opinion matters.

Why should she even have to do tennis if she doesn't like it? She's not overweight, I assume she does PE in school. Why would you make her spend her precious time doing anything other than what she wants to do?

YANBU. I disagree with some PPs, as I think there is nothing wrong (and much that is good) about expecting a certain amount of physical activity. I rather wish my parents had been more encouraging in that regard, but they were quite sedentary. My dad actually played a variety of sports as a child, though as an adult he just watched them on TV! It sounds as though your DD is doing quite a bit already. 6 hours of playing tennis per week is a lot for a 10-year-old IMO. I can't see any reason for her to do any more than that if she doesn't want to.

As long as it's a sport?

I'm not sure whether I agree with your 'rule', on the one hand, my daughter does dance and loves riding her bike, on top of doing PE at school, and of course I think it's all good for her. On the other hand, I'm incredibly unsporty and if my parents had forced me to do an activity on top of dreaded PE, I would have resented them.

You say she's not forced, but she was forced to find something sporty she 'liked'. So she might not be as keen as you think.

but if you have kids, you know how it works. At some point, you have to make them do something. It's the same for music, for sport.. You can tell if a child is truly miserable or just refusing for the sake of it. No one is saying you should traumatise your child or make them suffer.

It's also our job to show them what's around, and more often than not, they realise they actually enjoy it. As a parent, we see things long term. They might have a day when they think they should do absolutely nothing but staying in bed and read, or play computer games all day, but one day they'll realise that it was not the best for them.

She's already playing tennis four times per week

That is more than enough sport.

Your husband is being very unreasonable.