DH called me a vile, nasty piece of work

[StripeyBalloon]

Long-ish story… Taking our two children to the park this morning, our oldest has injured his leg and is on crutches-he hasn’t really left the house much since he hurt his leg (possible ligament damage) and is beginning to fester! I said it would be nice if he had a spin in the car and sat on a bench in the sun while his sibling played.

It was a fight to get him off the couch and to leave the house and in the car he said “It’s (insert my first name’s) way again” etc. It’s the sort of thing my husband regularly says when I suggest taking them out for an hour etc. it’s a fight then that’s what he says. In the car I said DS was just parroting what DH says that’s it’s my way again and that I’m pushing my agenda, it’s not really a normal thing for a kid to say? It’s him parroting an adult.

DH got very angry, said I was a nasty piece of work, vile, a horrible woman and that I’m determined to ruin the day.

We got to the park and he then started joking around and trying to make me laugh. I was still upset and he said he’s been watching a lot of TikTok videos about mothers who ruin family days out and I’m like that! WTF. He then backtracked and said oh they are just comedy skits, don’t be so serious etc.

I’ve basically noticed DS repeating word for word phrases he has heard DH say about me - another is shouting at me saying “Stop talking over me!” when we are having a conversation etc.

AIBU? It’s triggering me now that DS is parroting his Dad 🙄

That's not necessarily true. But that isn't what I was commenting on. You said that the other poster said that it was unbelievable, when that is not at all what she said.

YANBU, your husband is a dickhead and regardless of context I’d be filing for a divorce if DH spoke to or about me like that.

"I’ll be honest, if I’d been chivvied along to sit on a bench in a park when I was a teenager on crutches, when I was perfectly happy chilling on the sofa with a book or a pile of VHS tapes of my favourite horror films, I would have been massively resentful too. He’s not a young child; just leave him at home. "

Even when injured or post op, people need to get up and move around. Complications from sitting around and not getting up and moving every so often can be things like muscle loss, blood clots, and pneumonia.

It was a 10 minute journey 🙄

So you do force your “suggestions” onto them.

Im not surprised they get sick of it, to be honest. I would also hate being dictated to on how I’m being made to spend my day.

Not sure you have the correct usage of "triggering" tbh as it is usually associated with upsetting memories being brought to mind due to a situation - but I can totally understand you being upset and annoyed at the disrespect being shown by your H and son.

Childrens’ wishes should always be solicited and considered. The older they get, the more weight their wishes should have especially when the OP’s stated objective was to do something “nice” as a family.

btw, I am not defending either OP or her DH, they acted horribly and said awful things to each other.

My point is the entire spat could have been avoided if she had simply listened when her DS was saying he did not want to go and that it is “OP’s way again” which is a pretty innocuous way to phrase things when objecting to being forced into an activity.

Instead she decided to initiate an argument with her DH along the lines of DS is parroting you, it’s your fault he thinks he can object to going,

DS is a teenager, teenagers are pushing for autonomy and a say in things. Ofc they are going to raise objections in the way that has been role modelled for them by both their parents. As it is, the DS pointing out he is being forced to go, its not a nice idea for him and OP is getting her way again is not rude or worrying imho.

The DS behaved far better than both his parents.

Those are not comparable. A spin in the car and going to the park for something “nice” to do is subjective and not an essential life task like brushing your teeth or getting homework done.

He has torn or detached a ligament, moving around can actually stop it from knitting and healing properly. The vibrations from a car ride can also be very painful. The only movements he has to do are any physio prescribed.

It’s the vibrations that are the issue.
You billed this as something “nice” would you consider 20 minutes of avoidable pain “nice” all so you can sit on a bench outside do the same things you were doing at home?

Weird question. What is the relevance

I agree. I had my leg in a full length cast many years ago, and I got absolutely stir crazy after a couple of weeks.

There were times when I'd have paid good money for someone to take me the park for an hour or two.

they are meant to get 20 minutes of sunshine daily for vitamin D. As a parent you have a duty to look after his health.

But as the parent that is for OP to decide. She gets to decide because she is the parent. And getting him out of the house when he hasn’t for some time is looking after him just as is getting teeth brushed etc.
And why is this the point you’re picking up on? Why are you so keen to criticise the OP and not her husband’s behaviour? Isn’t that more the issue?

People with ADHD tend to have impulses like lets go do such and such RIGHT NOW and then they will fixate on it to the point they don’t listen to those who would rather not go or would rather do something else. They then get upset when they’ve chivvied everyone to go right now if there is any mutinous muttering and are hyper-sensitive to criticism. Hence a mere “only doing this because you want to” can kick off an almighty row.

She said that a teenager may not have got their behaviour from home when it was obvious that the child was emulating the dad.

She is the parent 🙄

I am calling it how I see it. I am in the DS corner. Everyone is forgetting about him. He is not a piece of luggage and at 13 he should have enough autonomy to decide to skip an outing to a park when all he can do is sit there.

I don’t think the OP/DH’s marriage is the real issue, the most important issue is we have a teenager who cannot even express a preference counter to what OP wants without it starting an argument between his parents. This is piss poor parenting on both OP and her DH.

That’s not the gotcha you think it is.
You can’t parent teenagers like you’re a dictator.

Did he say it as a joke and you didn't like it. Play him at his own game. Call him an old man who don't like to go anywhere or a hermit.

Presumably the DS is going to school 5days a week on crutches. He doesn’t need to leave the house 7 days a week.

I agree with other posters you seem determined to criticise OP when she is reaching out for advice. You’ve focussed on the frankly irrelevant point about whether it was healthy or not to get him outside - you don’t know enough about his injury, she is the parent in this situation, not you l. What she was actually asking about was the relationship side of things and the way she was spoken to.

Yes, and?

Does that waive the right to any form of autonomy for the son?

I have a teenage son, and I wouldn’t force him (on crutches!) to accompany us to a park if he wasn’t feeling like it.

You can’t dictate to people how they spend their time, then get ratty when they’re not wanting to play happy families just because you think it’d be “nice”.

Just to tack on to the end:

Clearly it isn’t a one-time thing, if both your DH and DS are making remarks about how it has to be your way.

It’s common sense. Any physio will tell you that it’s important to move around - that’s why they’ve given him crutches. If they wanted him to be immobile they would have provided a wheelchair. Doesn’t matter whether he’s the child or not - OP has a duty to protect him, and that includes from the effects of forced immobility, such as blood clots and a myriad of other complications. Why do you think those undergoing joint replacement surgery are out of bed the following day, weight bearing and moving around ?