DH called me a vile, nasty piece of work

[StripeyBalloon]

Long-ish story… Taking our two children to the park this morning, our oldest has injured his leg and is on crutches-he hasn’t really left the house much since he hurt his leg (possible ligament damage) and is beginning to fester! I said it would be nice if he had a spin in the car and sat on a bench in the sun while his sibling played.

It was a fight to get him off the couch and to leave the house and in the car he said “It’s (insert my first name’s) way again” etc. It’s the sort of thing my husband regularly says when I suggest taking them out for an hour etc. it’s a fight then that’s what he says. In the car I said DS was just parroting what DH says that’s it’s my way again and that I’m pushing my agenda, it’s not really a normal thing for a kid to say? It’s him parroting an adult.

DH got very angry, said I was a nasty piece of work, vile, a horrible woman and that I’m determined to ruin the day.

We got to the park and he then started joking around and trying to make me laugh. I was still upset and he said he’s been watching a lot of TikTok videos about mothers who ruin family days out and I’m like that! WTF. He then backtracked and said oh they are just comedy skits, don’t be so serious etc.

I’ve basically noticed DS repeating word for word phrases he has heard DH say about me - another is shouting at me saying “Stop talking over me!” when we are having a conversation etc.

AIBU? It’s triggering me now that DS is parroting his Dad 🙄

It’s absolutely gross of your husband to talk to you like that, especially in front of your children

God, your husband sounds like a gaslighting, controlling wanker and your son will end up the same if you don't do something.

MN spectacularly missing the point once again.

Of course OP is within her rights to get the 13 year old out of the house for fresh air, change of scenery and to let her other child play. It’s not good for teens to fester indoors and she is still his parent and needs to encourage him to do stuff that’s better for his mental health and recovery. Sitting at home on a phone all day won’t help him.

Also, your DH is an arse and he shouldn’t be speaking to you like that and neither should your child. You were trying to do the best for them and your DH called you a vile nasty piece of work for that?! What an actual prick.

Your husband hates you and wonky you know if what he is saying about you is true. He shouldn’t be saying it in earshot of the children though.

Yeah that’s crap but it isn’t triggering. Too much overuse of this word unless there is an actual reason only the OP can answer.

I spent a good deal of my childhood in plaster casts and on crutches because of congenital disability. Pain or not, it’s not good to sit around the house if you don’t have to, and if the child has crutches there’s no reason they can’t get out and about in the fresh air. I spent lots of time sitting on the sidelines watching other children play and many times they would try to include me as much as possible. It’s not cruel, it’s not unfair, it’s life and it teaches a life lesson that many parents seem frightened to confer on their kids - empathy.

Hello OP's husband.

My husband would only need to speak to me like this once and his bags would be packed and he would be out the door.

he doesn’t like you never mind love you. He doesn’t respect you and he’s passing that on to your children. This would be the end of me and I wouldn’t fuck about with it.

Well I agree the word is overused. But this instant (being married to an asshole who undermines you constantly and sets a precedent for your kids to the same) is a much better use of the word than the usual bullshit you see on twitter/Instagram

If it was up to a child they'd sit in their rooms all day. Parents have a responsibility to ensure their children get fresh air and exercise.

Next you'll be saying, "Does your child want vegetables?"

You need couples counselling by the sounds of it to dig a bit deeper
We’re only getting a snapshot on here

Well that’s what she said, she has ADHD.

If someone said they have cancer, do you ask them if it’s been diagnosed?

Eh, NO you shouldn't have "just let it slide"...so don't 2nd guess yourself on that point.

How does saying she wouldn't automatically assume something equal that she thinks it's unbelievable?

Because the child is repeating behaviour and language his father uses. Therefore he has got it from home.

In the spat in the park between you and DH, what is being lost is you are riding rough shod over your eldest child’s wishes.

Taking our two children to the park this morning, our oldest has injured his leg and is on crutches-he hasn’t really left the house much since he hurt his leg (possible ligament damage) and is beginning to fester! I said it would be nice if he had a spin in the car and sat on a bench in the sun while his sibling played.

You thought it would be nice, but your eldest child didn't think this was nice at all.
So
It was a fight to get him off the couch and to leave the house and in the car he said “It’s (insert my first name’s) way again” etc

So instead of listening to your child and reflecting on hey maybe my great idea of a drive in the car and a family day in the park is a shit idea that only I want to do, you deflected by making what he said all about “parroting what your DH says” and a marital spat ensued.

I think YABU and it was your way or nothing at all. You didn't give your eldest DC a choice to stay home or choose an activity he could have partipated in or even have a conversation about what to do as a family. Nope, you decided what you wanted to do and everyone else was supposed to fall in like good little soldiers.

Sitting on a bench watching your sibling having fun is not nice at all.

Open a window then. Fresh air is pretty polluted and over-rated. He is injured, in pain and just wants to rest and recover.

I think it's concerning that (a) he speaks like that at all and (b) he doesn't seem to think it's particularly serious (he started joking around and trying to make her laugh in the park).

I understand people saying things they regret in the heat of a massive row (and then apologising later) but this doesn't seem like that. This seems almost normalised. And the boys are learning it's ok to speak to women like that.

Someone needs to point out sharpish that this is not acceptable.

I don't see any harm in your dc being out in the fresh air. Kids will get a cob on about anything whatever you do. When I was on crutches the advice was to be as mobile as possible.
I think your dh needs to think hard about the behaviour he is modelling for your ds. It might help if you both had counselling to look at communication etc. If this behaviour isn't checked this will be how your ds treats women in his future relationships.
It never ceases to amaze me when men justify disrespectful/aggressive behaviour as 'just a joke' and make the problem the woman's sense of humour (or lack thereof - in their opinion). Jokes are supposed to be funny. If noone's laughing maybe not a joke, just bullying.

So long as he is doing his physio thats all the movement that matters. Riding in a car can actually hinder healing.

You're saying that as if it's a bad thing to go outside and do things. Of course it's important to get out of the house. What is wrong with some people on here?

So we should always follow what our kids want to do, and never overrule it in their best interests? Of course we should listen and take their wishes into account. But we don't always have to follow them.

And either way, it's unacceptable for her to be spoken to in that manner. It doesn't justify being called a "vile, horrible woman" by your husband in front of your kids. I'm surprised people are defending this.

Do you never make your kids do things they don’t want? Sometimes mine don’t want to brush their teeth or go to bed or do homework. But I “ride roughshod” because I’m the parent. And that’s what she’s doing- parenting.
You seem very keen to have a go at the OP and ignore how her husband and son speaks to her which is actually the point here.

It’s triggering me now that DS is parroting his Dad 🙄

What do you mean "it's triggering you"? Have you been in a previous abusive relationship where this has happened?

Or do you mean - it is really ruddy annoying me. If so, YANBU

It’s triggering me because DS repeats the horrible things that DH says to me.