DH called me a vile, nasty piece of work

[StripeyBalloon]

Long-ish story… Taking our two children to the park this morning, our oldest has injured his leg and is on crutches-he hasn’t really left the house much since he hurt his leg (possible ligament damage) and is beginning to fester! I said it would be nice if he had a spin in the car and sat on a bench in the sun while his sibling played.

It was a fight to get him off the couch and to leave the house and in the car he said “It’s (insert my first name’s) way again” etc. It’s the sort of thing my husband regularly says when I suggest taking them out for an hour etc. it’s a fight then that’s what he says. In the car I said DS was just parroting what DH says that’s it’s my way again and that I’m pushing my agenda, it’s not really a normal thing for a kid to say? It’s him parroting an adult.

DH got very angry, said I was a nasty piece of work, vile, a horrible woman and that I’m determined to ruin the day.

We got to the park and he then started joking around and trying to make me laugh. I was still upset and he said he’s been watching a lot of TikTok videos about mothers who ruin family days out and I’m like that! WTF. He then backtracked and said oh they are just comedy skits, don’t be so serious etc.

I’ve basically noticed DS repeating word for word phrases he has heard DH say about me - another is shouting at me saying “Stop talking over me!” when we are having a conversation etc.

AIBU? It’s triggering me now that DS is parroting his Dad 🙄

Joining this late but your op sounds to me like your husband doesn’t like you. He may stay married to you in all ways but he doesn’t actually like you.

Not when the "games" are abusive.

Just ignore those trying to derail the thread.

Tbh, this is the type of post where you feel you need both sides of the story. For someone to come out with a comment like this, they must be nasty themselves, or at the end of their tether with the behaviour of the other person. It’s always difficult to judge because you don’t have the ‘uncut’ version.

Absolutely mental that people think a mum is somehow wrong for encouraging her young teen to go outside and get some sun and air.

He is not physically abusive

It doesn't have to be physical to be abusive.

He is verbally abusive. Or does that not count to you?

Some posters were advocating total autonomy for children/teenagers and I, along with many other posters, don't agree. I didn't say you should talk over children but I don't think young people should always have the final say or be responsible for making family decisions. Do you? Do you always build your whole family's life - holidays, days out, visits to grandparents, appointments etc - around whatever the teenager wants to do or thinks appropriate? The OP took her 13 year old and younger child to the park for an hour on a sunny Sunday afternoon. I could be wrong, but I don't think that's something the European Court of Human Rights would need to investigate and I'm pretty sure he won't need therapy for it.

There was a wonderful thread on here a few years ago about getting teens out the house generally.
One said how she burst into their rooms with a sense of urgency, we have to go now sort of thing and hustled them into the car..
Said a small trip, shops urgent item of food you run in sort of thing but then did a small detour on the way back...

Lots of fabulous tips...
Teens do need to get out it their rooms sometimes!!

Hi OP, I've had two posts deleted for pointing out the obvious, which is that there are certain posters here derailing your thread with irrelevant advice and are completely missing the point that your husband is abusive. Please start a new thread in Relationships, you will likely get much better advice over there. Best of luck.

@Sealhouse,
That point has been made & universally agreed to.
It’s not a derail for posters to move on and raise other, equally valid points that naturally arise.
There is no need to police the thread because posters aren’t exclusively talking on one single point.

Name calling is abusive, your partner is abusive and he is teaching your son to be abusive.I suggest you let your partner know that you will leave him if the namecalling and any other abusive behaviours don't stop immediately and then follow through. I was in the same situation and did this myself, The parroting behaviour stopped after that, it was for the best. Good luck!

@LoremIpsumCici, a woman in an abusive relationship is not a side issue to be acknowledged while you then "move on" to other topics which are, in my opinion, completely irrelevant to this woman's situation. The number of posts on this thread dealing with the do's and don't of recovering from a lower limb injury, or the best way to get teenagers out of the house far outweigh discussion of the most important issue which is the abusive relationship. In addition, several posters, yourself included, have jumped to the bizarre conclusion, based on absolutely no evidence whatsoever, that the OP is "controlling" for simply trying to parent her 13 year old.

I think that If you wish to discuss lower limb injuries and recovery from same, or the best way to parent teenagers you should perhaps start a new thread(s). The OP wasn't actually asking for advice on either or those topics, the clue is in her thread title "DH called me a vile, nasty piece of work".

So you want her to be verbally abusive back?

I wouldn't have let my son learn it from his dad. As soon as dad said that he'd be out the front door.

No 13-year-old wants to go to the park and watch other kids play with or without an injury but I would be having a serious conversation with your husband.

if she has tried everything else and asked him to stop then yes

I have never said the OP is “controlling”
I have critiqued her parenting though as I see the DS being punished for repeating anything his father says, even if he is saying those things that aren’t unacceptable. Object to the unacceptable, but don’t disregard and steamroll when he’s using phrases that aren’t unacceptable innocuous and common.

I agree an abusive DH is not a side issue. I said it is one of several issues.

The DS being exposed to these behaviours and I fear OP is holding DS responsible for the shit role model that is his father when it isn’t his fault, he hasn’t been taught how to disagree respectfully. This is an equally important issue imho. You can think it isn’t, but the OP is asking about the impact on her DS and for advice about it.

My God some of these comments! If OP were letting her son rot on the sofa with an iPad you'd all be judging that too! Sounds like the husband can't be arsed and is verbally abusive when forced to parent his own kids. If she were putting up with his laziness that would be wrong too!

I get the feeling @StripeyBalloon is not going to win here either way.

I feel upset on your behalf. Your DH should have shut down your DS immediately for talking to you like that. Instead he's twisted things to make him in the right and you in the wrong. Disgraceful.

That sounds like a very recent injury OP, and you don't yet know what you're dealing with. I'm really unsure whether insisting that he moves around is a great idea.

I think with ADHD it can be very common to get fixated on something being right and not open to the idea that it's not. Getting fresh air/moving around when you're not injured is important - when you're still waiting for test results to determine the extent of the injury, moving around isn't necessarily what's needed.

But that aside, you need to talk to your DH about how you're modelling communication for your DS. You both need to agree that you'll treat each other with respect and consideration when DS is in the room (I mean, ideally all of the time but this as a minimum!)

Your DH needs to pull DS up on things that he says to you, and you need to present a united front.

You perhaps need to reflect on whether you do speak over others or insist on things always being your way.

You should maybe also reflect on how you feel about your DH called you really unpleasant names. I wouldn't be OK with that, even in an argument. You need to think about where your red line is and discuss that with your DH.

You say you sometimes need to talk over him because he's calling you names, and that DS has ADHD and also talks over you both. That sounds like a horrible way to communicate for all of you. Even with ADHD, it's possible to learn healthier communication techniques, even if that means disengaging when someone is being unpleasant and walking away. Talking over each other has the potential to just spiral.

And I say all this as someone who is autistic and ADHD, so I really do understand the struggles.

Strongly suspect the "D"H is also badmouthing the OP to others too. Have you also been called an abusive woman, vile b*tch, delusional, gaslighting and similar? But otherwise everything else "seems" hunky dory and "normal" family ..... Wouldn't be surprised if you may have had your DS say similar which he has learned from his father. If your DS is on spectrum then he will be more susceptible to learned behaviour. Think hard - you have a "D"H problem.

Not really sure how you can nip your sons behaviour in the bud when you're allowing his father to behave the exact same way? He's just mirroring what's happening at home. You need to have a private conversation with your husband and then a family conversation about how what they're saying / repeating is upsetting you and assert a boundary. Sounds like your husband doesn't respect or like you very much which is incredibly sad, I'm sorry.

Yep. Lots of ‘you’re making the injury worse by making him move around’. In actual fact if the medics involved didn’t want him to move around they wouldn’t have given him crutches, they’d have supplied a wheelchair.