DH called me a vile, nasty piece of work

[StripeyBalloon]

Long-ish story… Taking our two children to the park this morning, our oldest has injured his leg and is on crutches-he hasn’t really left the house much since he hurt his leg (possible ligament damage) and is beginning to fester! I said it would be nice if he had a spin in the car and sat on a bench in the sun while his sibling played.

It was a fight to get him off the couch and to leave the house and in the car he said “It’s (insert my first name’s) way again” etc. It’s the sort of thing my husband regularly says when I suggest taking them out for an hour etc. it’s a fight then that’s what he says. In the car I said DS was just parroting what DH says that’s it’s my way again and that I’m pushing my agenda, it’s not really a normal thing for a kid to say? It’s him parroting an adult.

DH got very angry, said I was a nasty piece of work, vile, a horrible woman and that I’m determined to ruin the day.

We got to the park and he then started joking around and trying to make me laugh. I was still upset and he said he’s been watching a lot of TikTok videos about mothers who ruin family days out and I’m like that! WTF. He then backtracked and said oh they are just comedy skits, don’t be so serious etc.

I’ve basically noticed DS repeating word for word phrases he has heard DH say about me - another is shouting at me saying “Stop talking over me!” when we are having a conversation etc.

AIBU? It’s triggering me now that DS is parroting his Dad 🙄

I see OP hasn’t addressed talking over her DH….

He 'tried to make you laugh' by saying he spends his time watching lots of videos portraying women ruining family days out?!
This seems utterly bizarre for him to do this? Does content like that even exist? Yes, I'm being naive

And he's clearly influencing your child to talk to you like something on the bottom of their shoe.

Why don't you just respond with 'well, I've been reading lots of books, online content, medical journals and testimonies about lazy, misogynistic piece of shit men ruining women's lives.'
When his face drops 'Lol, don't be so serious!?'

There's no way my DH would talk that to me and we'd still be married.

Your teen however, he should be allowed to chill at home if he wants to.

My eight year old has an absolute “thing” about people talking over her and she will quite regularly say to me or her dad “stop talking over me!!” She doesn’t pick it up from anyone. She just hates it (so I’m a lot more mindful of it now).

To be honest, by the sounds of the guy I wouldn’t talk to him, nevermind over him.

Exactly. Increased blood flow and also it’s better for your mental health.

@StripeyBalloon I haven’t voted either way because from what you’ve written neither you or your husband have behaved in the best way.

• Him name calling is disgusting and cannot be excused.
• You started an argument in front of the children in the car, not the time or place to be doing that.
• Forcing an injured teenager out of the house to do something they wouldn’t want to do even if they weren’t injured seems unnecessary, perhaps you could’ve asked for their input on where to go, it’s good to get them out the house but perhaps more thought on an activity/location that would’ve been more appealing would’ve helped
• Teenager repeating dad’s words is not great but they must recognise the behaviour enough in you to be able to repeat it - do you talk over people? Are you always getting your own way? Are you spoiling for an argument? From the example you’ve given it sounds like the answer might be yes
• Husbands social media consumption is concerning and is no way funny, he should be setting a positive example to your children not demeaning their mother and making sexist comments

Ultimately your husband needs to acknowledge what he said was unacceptable and sincerely apologise. I would be deeply hurt and upset if my husband said something like that to me, whatever the circumstances. He generally needs to be more mindful about what he says around the kids but this type of name calling especially is unacceptable. You might need to consider your own behaviour, it’s impact and how that is perceived by others.

obviously just going off what you’ve said so far and maybe there’s more that would change my view but it does sound like you need a bit of introspection (still doesn’t excuse husbands behaviour and definitely concern about his internet use)

My exDH used to do things like that.. that’s why he’s ex. Sometimes I worry that adult DS talks to me the same way

Well DH and DS (teen) are gamers and would happily sit in all weekend in darkness with the curtains closed or on their phones etc! The things I suggest are only short outings like a short walk in nature or a walk on a beach or a park. Just one hour etc.

Your husband isn’t a teenager, and should probably get on with working that out.

Suggest or insist?

In the car I said DS was just parroting what DH says that’s it’s my way again and that I’m pushing my agenda, it’s not really a normal thing for a kid to say? It’s him parroting an adult.
DH got very angry, said I was a nasty piece of work, vile, a horrible woman and that I’m determined to ruin the day.

Why are you fighting with your DH in front of your DS?! Parents don't do that. Well. Good parents don't do that. No child, no matter their age, should witness their parents arguing or slagging each other off. You and your DH were both 100% wrong in that.

You shouldn't have forced your injured DS to go out when he didn't want to. You shouldn't have spoken over him. You shouldn't have slagged off your DH in front of your DC. Your DH shouldn't have called a 'vile, horrible, woman.'

Quite frankly, all of you sound shocking. I just feel sorry for the other kid.

He has chilled at home since his injury but he really needs to move around a bit as I was worried about him getting worse just sat in a chair on his phone all day.

By the time you’ve got a teenager, you have to take a step back on the insisting. Pick your battles. You do have to get them outside but you need to pick, and when your son has an injury and can’t even enjoy it… that’s the wrong time to be insisting.

Do you talk over people?

This is only one side of the story. Forcing a child out to watch other children play when he can't does seem mean. Maybe DH and DS say it's always your way because it always is and you don't consider what other people want.
The other example was don't talk over me. That sounds like you frequently talk over people, which is also poor behaviour on your part.

Do you like each other?

I’m not being facetious - but do you actually get on the vast majority of the time, enjoy spending time together, have a laugh, chat about stuff, all that kind of thing? Do you enjoy each other’s company?

So often on here I see posts on here where it’s clear that neither couple actually likes the other really any more but because they are married or have kids or whatever they don’t seem to actually realise that’s what it is

Well for an adult it’s their choice to sit in the dark all weekend gaming but I do think for a child (teen) they do need some parental intervention to go outside for fresh air once in a while. It’s difficult I know but I don’t think it’s healthy for him to be stuck inside all the time.

This is my take. Many teens given a chance would wallow on the sofa and not go out. @StripeyBalloon I don't think you did anything wrong taking home to park. Fresh air, different perspective etc
Your dh was wrong to call you names. He is an adult with teen kids. He should do better than to learn his stupidity/misogyny from tik tok. It sounds like you two need a come to Jesus's talk

It always amazes me how many posters insist teens should be allowed to sit in their rooms gaming day and night, and never be made to go outside or do anything they don't want to do. Then everyone wonders why we have a mental health crisis amongst our teens 🤦‍♀️
Has it not occurred to some mumsnetters that we sometimes have to act in our teenagers best interests because they don't always make the right choices?

OP you were absolutely correct in insisting he got out of the house. And you need a calm conversation with your dh about not criticising you or calling you names in front of the kids, because it's disrespectful, bad role modelling, and makes kids feel insecure.

So what ? It’s their weekend, just because they are doing something you don’t consider valuable, doesn’t mean it’s not valuable to them.

Well we can still chat about life, the world and interesting topics and we still can laugh together but there’s obviously issues there.

Being married to an asshole who undermines you in front of the kids leading to the kids disrespecting you meaning living with three people who have no respect for you wouldn't trigger you?

A balance is needed surely? I’ve no issue with them gaming but I don’t think one hour in nature and family time out of the whole weekend is being unreasonable?

That's what happens. Boys see their dads as role models and they learn how to treat women from them.

Your husband sounds very disrespectful, so your son treats you in a disrespectful manner.

With kindness that’s not answering the question. Did you suggest or insist and overrule everyone else? Was it your way again?