DH called me a vile, nasty piece of work

[StripeyBalloon]

Long-ish story… Taking our two children to the park this morning, our oldest has injured his leg and is on crutches-he hasn’t really left the house much since he hurt his leg (possible ligament damage) and is beginning to fester! I said it would be nice if he had a spin in the car and sat on a bench in the sun while his sibling played.

It was a fight to get him off the couch and to leave the house and in the car he said “It’s (insert my first name’s) way again” etc. It’s the sort of thing my husband regularly says when I suggest taking them out for an hour etc. it’s a fight then that’s what he says. In the car I said DS was just parroting what DH says that’s it’s my way again and that I’m pushing my agenda, it’s not really a normal thing for a kid to say? It’s him parroting an adult.

DH got very angry, said I was a nasty piece of work, vile, a horrible woman and that I’m determined to ruin the day.

We got to the park and he then started joking around and trying to make me laugh. I was still upset and he said he’s been watching a lot of TikTok videos about mothers who ruin family days out and I’m like that! WTF. He then backtracked and said oh they are just comedy skits, don’t be so serious etc.

I’ve basically noticed DS repeating word for word phrases he has heard DH say about me - another is shouting at me saying “Stop talking over me!” when we are having a conversation etc.

AIBU? It’s triggering me now that DS is parroting his Dad 🙄

Because it’s still important with most injuries to move around to aid recovery. Not moving all day long will hinder a speedy recovery and potentially cause other problems.

I think most people are missing the point here. For DH to call you a vile etc etc. Leave him or kick him out. Easier said then done, I know. But if you have no have self respect. Without this DS will speak to you EXACTLY as his father does. Much to the happiness of DH. Go girl. It will only get worse.

Not nice behaviour OP. Not read the whole reply thread, sorry, but I’d say schedule some time where you’re calm and ask to talk to him. Tell him how hurt you are, listen to what he replies. Agree on a way forward. With cool heads. No point in getting all het up and emotional in front of kids, do it behind closed doors. Easier said than done. Fingers crossed for a good outcome. Relationships are really difficult sometimes especially with kids in the mix!!!

Interesting you haven’t address the “talking over” comment or the suggestions that you always want it your way.
Are you going to ?

Agree. They're right. You wanted things your way.

Yes but do you like each other, which was what the pp was asking. I think it’s an important question.

I assume that everyone saying just leave the teen to wallow in the dark gaming is basing their opinion on the multiple scientific experiments that have been carried out that say infinite screen time, minimal exercise & zero exposure to the outside world is actually the most beneficial thing for children/teenagers?

Yanbu OP

Of course its not unreasonable to get a teen to spend one hour, out of an entire weekend, out the house moving.

It sounds like:
Your husband is horrible about you
He frequently says stuff about you infront of the kids (most kids won't parrot things they've heard just once)
He argues with you infront of the kids

None of this is ok. It's really damaging for children to hear one parent slagging the other one off.

Do you want to stay with him? Have you ever had a general discussion about jt, does he even think this is wrong? Would he go to counselling?

I try not to - I have ADHD so I really try not to do this - with DH sometimes it doesn’t feel like I am talking over him, more reacting to what he’s telling me (I can’t believe they said that! Or OMG no way!) then he will shout at me that I’m talking over him etc. I try not to but conversations are fluid and sometimes people do? Phrases overlap etc. Sometimes I definitely have to interject if he’s talking absolute rubbish about me and I jump in to defend myself then he shouts saying I’m talking over him etc.

YABU for allowing your child to grow up in a household like this. Your kids deserve better.

Your son is learning to be abusive to women like his dad.

I think you need to tell your DH he either shapes up or ships out.

Well your husband should know that ADHD is a disability and if conversations overlap a bit that’s normal for someone with adhd, and whilst it can be frustrating, it is understandable.

Your husband does sound horrible, though. Hope you can get out of there.

I really really try hard to listen and not interject etc. DS also has ADHD and has the same difficulties. He talks over us all too lol.

Have you been diagnosed ADHD?

That's not what I said? I wouldn't automatically assume it - at 13 he's at secondary school, he has a phone, so there are possible influences in addition to his dad

Being on crutches is exhausting but you said that he won't go out in your garden or even have the windows open. So yes, he does need some activity to prevent the complications that comes from not moving around enough and they can be severe. Plus, he shouldn't be able to dictate the windows open or closed except in his room. A house needs fresh air and so do people.

Your nasty husband is modeling disrespect directed at you to your son and he's picking it up and running with it.

There needs to be a family talk about the disrespect in the house and consequences.

Your husband dislikes you and is setting you up to be the bad guy of the home. That's such an unhealthy adversarial dynamic. Do you want to stay in this marriage? You might consider marriage counseling if you do.

@Someone2025 How come you want to know that? Is that really relevant?

By letting it slide, you are teaching your son and his father that it’s ok to talk to you like that. Your silence suggests that you might agree with what your h says too which is damaging for your son as it normalises verbal abuse and increases the chances of him treating his future girlfriends like that. He repeats his dad’s words because you and his dad have normalized that dynamic between men and women and it would not surprise me that this will escalate as he gets physically bigger and more cocky because his dad’s attitude empowers him to feel that way.

A 13yo trying to resist family time? Normal and frustrating. But it’s your (you and your h) responsibility to model how relationships should be because it will have a massive effect on Ds’ views on relationships. Hard to say if Ds has a point like you talking over people but he can also learn how to do it sensitively since you’re his mum and not a punching bag.

You did nothing wrong. Of course your child needs to leave the house ffs, all these people saying he shouldn’t.
Mine had a full leg cast, still went to school and still was made to leave the house.
Your husband is a prick though, I couldn’t be doing with that disrespect.

I fucking despair at some mothers of sons. If you think this is an acceptable way for a son to speak to his mother then I fear for our daughters.

It's awful for your mental health to stay locked up all day. People need to go out and about.

Hopefully (and very likely) the OP didn't make the child do more than a few steps on crutches. Maybe the husband should have suggested another kind of outing, or buy the kid an ice-cream or something, but it's lazy and poor parenting to leave your kids at home all day doing nothing!

Yes

The OP says he's speaking to her in the same way as his dad.

Does he often talk absolute rubbish about you? In what context?