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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be uneasy about Dh and his very friendly coworker

378 replies

Booklover12345 · 17/05/2025 22:29

Late last night my DH got an email ping from a coworker which woke me up. We were in bed. I asked what it was at that time, he clearly didn’t want to tell me but said it was E and she was just saying thanks for a laugh during their coffee break that day. I asked to look and it said what a really great friend he is and how he makes her day and the job such fun and she loves being in his team and working on this new project together. I knew they got on well but I was uneasy that she sent this email. It sparked a big row, he got cross, said it’s all above board and platonic and it was a nice thing for her to send him. If it hadn’t woken me then I would never have known which worries me too.
AIBU to think it is not on for her to send this and for him to be ok with it. Or am I being unfair to her and jealous, as he says?

OP posts:
MissyB1 · 17/05/2025 22:36

Why was she thinking about him late at night? That's weird. I have colleagues whose company I enjoy, I don't email them late at night to tell them.

Createsusername · 17/05/2025 22:49

I’d be pissed off tbh

Endofyear · 17/05/2025 22:50

This would piss me off too and your DH is being disingenuous - would he really be ok with you getting a message like this from a male colleague late at night?

ALittleBitWooo · 17/05/2025 22:52

I wouldn’t say the email is weird but to send it late at night is odd, I’d be annoyed to.

DarkLindt · 17/05/2025 22:54

That’s weird behaviour and your DH was cagey about it.

Candleabra · 17/05/2025 22:55

It’s not on. She’s setting him up to reply in a similar vein and this is how they start “chatting”. They fool themselves it’s innocent and just friends but it’s not. I like and respect many coworkers of the opposite sex, and very much enjoy working with them. At no point would I ever a) send that message b) send a non work related message outside of working hours
I’d be very worried.

Vplop · 17/05/2025 22:56

She wants a slice for sure.

BlueEyedBogWitch · 17/05/2025 22:58

She’s after him, and it sounds like he’s enjoying it.

This needs nipping in the bud.

MyOliveHelper · 17/05/2025 22:59

I wasn't sure what to think until I read the comments that were sure that its weird. I can kind of see another scenario. This woman has her own backstory as to why work hasn't been great or she was very anxious it wouldn't be. She has had great experiences with a co-worker who made it a bit better and she maybe had a few drinks with a friend, told them about it, and then messaged the co-worker to let them know they'd made a positive impact. That is is a partnered man is kind of incidental.

Exitpursuedbygeese · 17/05/2025 23:02

Yeah I bet if you said ‘no probs babe sure John is always messaging in the night to tell me how funny, fabulous and close to him I am, the craic we have! The relationship we’ve built through shared experiences you will never understand! Totally get it.’ then rolled over to sleep again . Your DH will be like 😐

Blackcountrychik83 · 17/05/2025 23:03

Yeah she’s got her rod out , she’s attached the bait and waiting for the fish (your DH) to take a bite .

Createsusername · 17/05/2025 23:03

Exitpursuedbygeese · 17/05/2025 23:02

Yeah I bet if you said ‘no probs babe sure John is always messaging in the night to tell me how funny, fabulous and close to him I am, the craic we have! The relationship we’ve built through shared experiences you will never understand! Totally get it.’ then rolled over to sleep again . Your DH will be like 😐

haaaaaa this! But Chad not John.

ThisUsernameIsNowTaken · 17/05/2025 23:04

I think this kind of message would be fine to send via Teans at the end of the working day but not at night. She's definitely got the hots for him.

Milosc · 17/05/2025 23:41

If it was nothing it would not have caused a row. Guilt of knowing you are doing something wrong causes a defensive reaction. That is how your DH reacted and why you argued. Another woman thinking about your DH late at night on the weekend and emailing him is weird and seems desperate to me. Like she needs to make sure he thinks about her when not at work. Not wanting to admit who it was or let you see the messages is also a massive red flag. There is no friend I have that is worth jeopardizing my relationship with my DH. Your DH should be putting your needs first. This needs to be nipped in the bud.

Leafy3 · 17/05/2025 23:47

To be fair to this woman, I often send emails late evening when I'm working late or putting in extra hours - it doesn't mean I expect them to be read then.

GotToWearShades · 17/05/2025 23:50

Nobody should set their email up to ping. Some people tie up thoughts from the day late at night and don't assume an email will be seen until the morning.

BatchCookBabe · 17/05/2025 23:52

Funny how these married men never have work friends (who they contact late at night outside the office,) who are 55 year old balding men called Colin! Wink

Didimum · 18/05/2025 00:03

The lateness of the message is a red flag.

Catsandcannedbeans · 18/05/2025 00:16

I would be furious I can’t lie. I would be updating his CV and putting it on indeed… and god forbid I ever saw the woman emailing my husband in the wee hours 😂.

whistlesandbells · 18/05/2025 00:25

Schedule send in working hours. Not on a Friday night. I think it is unprofessional.

youlied · 18/05/2025 00:28

This was how my ExH’s affair began. Her messaging him thanking him for “cheering her up” what followed was months of shitty behaviour on his part!

Blahglah · 18/05/2025 00:28

Yanbu colleagues are having affairs and now one of them is pregnant. It's unkind but the whole office is unsure if colleague is the dad or her husband.

WilfredsPies · 18/05/2025 02:40

Yeah, this is in the waiting room of the ‘something’s going to happen’ department. And he knows it too because otherwise he wouldn’t have been quite so defensive over it.

I’d like to say that I’d make it very clear that you won’t stand for it. Something like ‘Your defensive reaction tells me that you are playing with fire here. You’ve got a hell of a lot to lose and there will be zero second chances from me if you fuck up, so I suggest you proceed very carefully from here on because my respect for you as a man is diminishing by the second and you are about an inch away from losing my trust and messing up your life in exchange for a bit of flattery from some woman in your office, which would be such a pathetic cliché’.

Original poster
Booklover12345 · 18/05/2025 07:30

She sent it to his personal email account not work one and he looks at them on his phone so it’s not even through a work channel.

OP posts:
BlueEyedBogWitch · 18/05/2025 07:31

MyOliveHelper · 17/05/2025 22:59

I wasn't sure what to think until I read the comments that were sure that its weird. I can kind of see another scenario. This woman has her own backstory as to why work hasn't been great or she was very anxious it wouldn't be. She has had great experiences with a co-worker who made it a bit better and she maybe had a few drinks with a friend, told them about it, and then messaged the co-worker to let them know they'd made a positive impact. That is is a partnered man is kind of incidental.

Meanwhile, in the real world…