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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be uneasy about Dh and his very friendly coworker

378 replies

Booklover12345 · 17/05/2025 22:29

Late last night my DH got an email ping from a coworker which woke me up. We were in bed. I asked what it was at that time, he clearly didn’t want to tell me but said it was E and she was just saying thanks for a laugh during their coffee break that day. I asked to look and it said what a really great friend he is and how he makes her day and the job such fun and she loves being in his team and working on this new project together. I knew they got on well but I was uneasy that she sent this email. It sparked a big row, he got cross, said it’s all above board and platonic and it was a nice thing for her to send him. If it hadn’t woken me then I would never have known which worries me too.
AIBU to think it is not on for her to send this and for him to be ok with it. Or am I being unfair to her and jealous, as he says?

OP posts:
Jobsworth7 · 18/05/2025 07:34

Definitely suspect. Timing and content!
I'd be interested to know if he replied.

MmeChoufleur · 18/05/2025 07:35

Nobody ever advises this on MN, but I’d have made a mental note of her email address and written her an “Oi fucking Jolene, back the hell off!” email of my own.

pilates · 18/05/2025 07:36

Yeah that’s not on - sounds like she has a crush on your DH.

OrangeAndPistachio · 18/05/2025 07:36

Agree with pps. She's interested and he's not putting a stop to it.

His defensive behaviour would've really pissed me off. An acceptable response to your asking would be to consider calmly what you are saying to him then agree that perhaps sending late night personal messages was inappropriate of her.

Did he respond immediately?

Sauvin · 18/05/2025 07:37

I would never send a message like that to a male colleague. It’s inappropriate.

QuickFawn · 18/05/2025 07:37

Odd your dh would give her his email and not his number
Cynic in me says that’s cause you’re less likely to see an email?

OrangeAndPistachio · 18/05/2025 07:38

Also op , don't let him fob you off with your alleged trust issues or jealous behaviour. There's something not right here and you know it.

Bustabloodvessel · 18/05/2025 07:40

It doesn’t matter whether you think it’s ok, your husband can have friendships with anyone he wants to. It was an email not a text/whatapp message which I would send to a colleague I got on well with. Just forget about it it’s no big deal & as for causing a row with him well that’s just a ridiculous over reaction & I’d be pissed off if I was in bed & my H kicked off about something so trivial

Bikergran · 18/05/2025 07:41

Leafy3 · 17/05/2025 23:47

To be fair to this woman, I often send emails late evening when I'm working late or putting in extra hours - it doesn't mean I expect them to be read then.

This. A lot of people turn their devices off at night, and are surprised when people receive texts or emails as soon as they're sent.

Jobsworth7 · 18/05/2025 07:42

Bustabloodvessel · 18/05/2025 07:40

It doesn’t matter whether you think it’s ok, your husband can have friendships with anyone he wants to. It was an email not a text/whatapp message which I would send to a colleague I got on well with. Just forget about it it’s no big deal & as for causing a row with him well that’s just a ridiculous over reaction & I’d be pissed off if I was in bed & my H kicked off about something so trivial

Would you send it to their personal email on a weekend, in the hope they'd see and reply before Monday?

hazelnutvanillalatte · 18/05/2025 07:43

In situations like these, think about what you would do if you DIDN'T want to give the wrong impression.

Would you ever send a message like this late at night to a married colleague you had no interest in? Or would that be extremely weird/embarrassing and inappropriate?

Of course what she did is wrong, and crossing a boundary, and your DH needs to wake up, acknowledge it and put a stop to it.

OrangeAndPistachio · 18/05/2025 07:44

@Leafy3 but if she was okay with him reading the email when he was available why did she send it to his personal address? His work one would've been fine.

Bustabloodvessel · 18/05/2025 07:45

Jobsworth7 · 18/05/2025 07:42

Would you send it to their personal email on a weekend, in the hope they'd see and reply before Monday?

Show quote history

Yes

Jobsworth7 · 18/05/2025 07:45

Bustabloodvessel · 18/05/2025 07:45

Yes

Show quote history

Why?

OrangeAndPistachio · 18/05/2025 07:46

BatchCookBabe · 17/05/2025 23:52

Funny how these married men never have work friends (who they contact late at night outside the office,) who are 55 year old balding men called Colin! Wink

Right?! Next he'll say that she's going through a hard time and needs some support/help through a break up.

Mumof2amazingasdkiddos · 18/05/2025 07:47

It probably is platonic but that's definitely a line crossed

BananaSpanner · 18/05/2025 07:47

MmeChoufleur · 18/05/2025 07:35

Nobody ever advises this on MN, but I’d have made a mental note of her email address and written her an “Oi fucking Jolene, back the hell off!” email of my own.

My first thought was this as well. It’s inappropriate and OPs husband doesn’t sound like he’s going to tell her so maybe OP just should. We can be so passive but sometimes maybe we should just say “back the fuck off”.

KawasakiBabe · 18/05/2025 07:51

That’s exactly how my husbands affair began. Seemingly innocent messages from a much younger woman, which escalated. Needs stopping immediately.

Hamabeed · 18/05/2025 07:52

GotToWearShades · 17/05/2025 23:50

Nobody should set their email up to ping. Some people tie up thoughts from the day late at night and don't assume an email will be seen until the morning.

I agree with this! Why on earth has he got email notifications set to ping on his phone? The phone he takes with him to the bedroom at bedtime. That’s such an unhealthy work/ life boundary.

Editing because I’ve reread your post OP and realised that it’s his personal email account not work. I still cannot fathom loud pinging notifications in the bedroom though. But now I’m thinking why has he given her his personal email address anyway?

OrangeAndPistachio · 18/05/2025 07:52

@Hamabeed not his work email , personal one.

Beanzmeanz · 18/05/2025 07:54

Booklover12345 · 18/05/2025 07:30

She sent it to his personal email account not work one and he looks at them on his phone so it’s not even through a work channel.

This is what I was about to ask. Oh my goodness massive red flag sounds like they are already secretly communicating why on earth would she have his personal email? Email a lot easier to hide than WhatsApp etc. I’m receiving emails constantly

Jollyjoy · 18/05/2025 07:55

Sorry op, definitely a bit concerning. You can’t do much about her but I know my DH would be telling me this and saying ‘E is being a bit over friendly, sending me emails at this hour’. It depends on how you reacted I suppose, if it was all immediate anger and emotions were high then I could more understand him being defensive, but if it was a calm conversation he should definitely not be getting defensive at hearing you say this doesn’t sound a good dynamic.

untilido · 18/05/2025 07:55

How did he respond?

Hamabeed · 18/05/2025 07:57

OrangeAndPistachio · 18/05/2025 07:52

@Hamabeed not his work email , personal one.

Just realised and edited my post- Sorry.
Personal email puts a different complexion on it a bit.

Spiderwomann · 18/05/2025 07:58

It is a weird email to send quite late on a Saturday night to a co-worker. His reaction to it is weird also, being defensive rather than finding it a bit much would be more concerning to me than the email itself. I used to be quite naieve but having seen lots of 'nice family men' have affairs at work I'd be suspicious also (me and DH have work friends of both sexes so its not about that).