To be uneasy about Dh and his very friendly coworker

[Booklover12345]

Late last night my DH got an email ping from a coworker which woke me up. We were in bed. I asked what it was at that time, he clearly didn’t want to tell me but said it was E and she was just saying thanks for a laugh during their coffee break that day. I asked to look and it said what a really great friend he is and how he makes her day and the job such fun and she loves being in his team and working on this new project together. I knew they got on well but I was uneasy that she sent this email. It sparked a big row, he got cross, said it’s all above board and platonic and it was a nice thing for her to send him. If it hadn’t woken me then I would never have known which worries me too.
AIBU to think it is not on for her to send this and for him to be ok with it. Or am I being unfair to her and jealous, as he says?

There is no suggestion that she expected a reply at all so you’ve just thrown that in to add a bit of drama. Because I am friends with a few male colleagues & we message each other outside of work regularly. If he’s going to cheat he’ll do it anyway, if you are that insecure & jealous then leave him & stay single. You don’t get to control any part of someone’s life.

If you feel the need to send an email to a married co-worker late on a Saturday about something not really work related then perhaps worth reflecting why that is? Especially if you're not expecting a reply, weird behaviour!

Not good
I'd not be happy in your shoes
Definitely needs nipping in the bud by him ..
You have problems if he doesn't reply it was inappropriate and doesn't let you read the message
That's the bare minimum I would accept

We don’t email each other we text/message.I’m married too & husband couldn’t care less if I have male friends/colleagues messaging me & he certainly doesn’t question me every time my phone pings. We also have group chats which we message outside of work. If I got a message from one of their wives from their phone I’d think he was in a controlling relationship & she was an idiot but I certainly wouldn’t stop messaging unless he explicitly told me not to.

Each to their own, personally id feel a bit sad if DH wasnt fussed about me getting a message like this from a male colleague on a saturday night:

it said what a really great friend he is and how he makes her day and the job such fun and she loves being in his team and working on this new project together.

I don't think it's insecure to find that content inappropriate really, there is zero she couldn't have waited until Monday to say to him if she felt she really needed to. Messages and chats in general male or female i don't thinks a problem, but this via personal email specifically and then him getting defensive about it? No.

It’s a nice email but sending it at a late hour is inappropriate.

My approach would start off jokily. I’d read the email and say something like, ‘Blimey, she’s humping your leg, isn’t she?’ but I’d watch his reaction. If he got defensive, I’d say, ‘It makes me really uncomfortable, and I think it needs nipping in the bud before she gets the wrong idea. Unless she’s getting the right idea, in which case, we really do need a serious conversation, don’t we?’

Communication is key. Tell him how it makes you feel, and ask him what he’s prepared to do to make you feel better.

Point is that my husband wouldn’t demand to see who was messaging at a time he deemed too late, our phones go off past midnight some nights but I don’t think to demand to see his phone & then kick off & cause a row. If he chose to share the message with me in this case I would think she’s probably had a few drinks & has messaged him but I wouldn’t think more of it. I certainly can’t control whether she has a crush on him & I certainly wouldn’t be sending her angry messages telling her to back off after one email..that’s deranged behaviour & I’d be embarrassed if I did

Either it’s inappropriate or it isn’t, the sex of the colleague is irrelevant.

If a man I worked with asked for my personal email address that is the boundary I would not cross. I would shut it down then and there.

What possible reason could they have for exchanging personal emails?

There are always women on these threads who have male friends and DH with female friends including new female friends and zero jealousy. I don’t buy it. THIS is how affairs start, not in nightclubs or smokey bars. And some women love going after men who are married.

Wow, you're such a cool girl!

Nip it in the bud, well done for expressing your displeasure.

They’ve swapped numbers too so message as well

Emails are meant to be sent anytime for the recipient to read at their leisure. If it were a text message, I’d think twice but email? Although not sure about the content of the message…

I’m a woman. It’s not about being ‘cool’ it’s about being secure, rational..she sent him an email ffs not a naked pic..if he’s going to cheat he’ll do it regardless of whether you check his messages

Not everyone is chasing your man in the real world.

Personal email sounds strange, would have thought you’d do a what’s app instead then but maybe that would be worse as that’s something you’d expect to read straight away.

I don’t finding swapping numbers and messaging strange as such but it depends on the nature and extent.

Ask him this - If a male work colleague sent him exactly the same email at the same time of night, to his personal email would he still think it was a nice thing or would he think it was odd.

Yes. It's worrying how a lot of people think a relationship means you get to treat your partner this way. I think a lot of these women would be better off working on their self esteem and paranoia. The truth is that when you're as insecure as they are, you attract people who will exploit you and it reinforces your beliefs about yourself.

No, but people who email them late at night just to tell them they’re great usually are.

Yws I'd assume the poor man is being abused by a horrible wife and be more inclined to offer him supportive friendship.

This. I would be concerned too.

100%

Yeah, no. Sometimes people are just talking to each other. Really, work on your self esteem. It's awful being with someone who is so threatened by your friendships with other people. It's exhausting.

‘Be careful there, darling.’ If it’s at the early stages you need to flag it up but remind him that you’re still a team. Does he really want to throw away everything you’ve build together for a work colleague? It happens all the time.