To be uneasy about Dh and his very friendly coworker

[Booklover12345]

Late last night my DH got an email ping from a coworker which woke me up. We were in bed. I asked what it was at that time, he clearly didn’t want to tell me but said it was E and she was just saying thanks for a laugh during their coffee break that day. I asked to look and it said what a really great friend he is and how he makes her day and the job such fun and she loves being in his team and working on this new project together. I knew they got on well but I was uneasy that she sent this email. It sparked a big row, he got cross, said it’s all above board and platonic and it was a nice thing for her to send him. If it hadn’t woken me then I would never have known which worries me too.
AIBU to think it is not on for her to send this and for him to be ok with it. Or am I being unfair to her and jealous, as he says?

Why does no one want her man? He might be gorgeous, he clearly brightens the colleagues day so much so that she texts him at bedtime to let him know.

Not everyone is married to an ugly, charmless man with a bald spot and a paunch.

He may well think it's all platonic and above board - men often aren't great at knowing when someone's flirting with/interested in them if nothing outright has been said. But I think it needs pointing out to him that there are potential dangers afoot when a female colleague is contacting him late at night to tell him how marvellous he is.

It also may well be that she's had a drink or few and will be rightly embarrassed on Monday morning.

Isn't sending a late night email doing exactly that?

Not everyone is chasing your man in the real world.

No, but that isn't how romantic relationships form.

Similarity, proximity, familiarity and reciprocity are key factors in a romantic attraction developing. Otherwise, only objectively beautiful/sexy people would ever be in a relationship and that's not the case.

Attraction develops through spending time together, shared experiences, similarity (clicking with someone) and the positive feedback from knowing that someone is attracted to you.

And that is why so many affairs begin in the workplace.

Fair, but in a relationship, your partner’s comfort should be important to you.

If they’re uncomfortable, you look at whether they’re being reasonable, decide whether what they’re requesting is of any detriment to you and adjust your behaviour accordingly, because you want them to be happy, or don’t, because they’re being a dick.

The point is, you should be allowed to have the conversation, and receiving unnecessary late night messages from a colleague telling you how great you are would warrant a conversation in my house.

People are allowed to do relationships differently, you know.

Why did she email his personal email account not his work one? Because for her it is personal. She’s thinking at him at midnight and wants him to know. This is not appropriate boundaries for a work colleague who is married and it’s totally valid for you to feel upset.

I imagine your H has picked up on her desire for him and is enjoying the attention. I’m sure in his mind it’s innocent as he is not planning on cheating so he can justify it to himself. Problem is, they are creating their own little world for intimacy to thrive. One day he may realise that he has developed feelings that put your marriage in danger.

I would not be waiting around for this to happen. I would read up on emotional affairs, bring up your concerns about her behaviour and ask to see their messages. I would be laying out what I need to feel comfortable with their friendship I.e. transparency and respectful boundaries. If he couldn’t stick to this I would throw him out to show him that I’m not willing to be disrespected.

This precisely.

Advise your DH to advise his work colleague to please stick to communication via the usual work email system.

It is out of line for her to talk to him on a personal email platform.

No and, yet, those men still manage to have affairs...

My advice is that if you feel like you need to.check your partner's emails, leave that relationship for both your sakes.

My advice is, if you can't let your partner have friendships with colleagues and neighbours without suspecting they are cheating, leave that relationship for both your sakes.

Leaving doesnt mean that you're right and your partner is cheating, it means that the fact you believe they are has ended any chance of a healthy relationship. Your only responses now will become more and more abusive as you try and restrict your partner and regain control and confidence.

Yes my advice is to sit back, because there isnt any action that would be appropriate at this time. Being in a relationship with someone doesnt give you the right to control them, or demand access to their things, or to expect them to do as you tell them to do.

He has to share the idea that a colleague messaging nice things late at night is always inappropriate and if he doesnt, he isn't going to police that. Nor does he have to. This is what compatibility is about - finding people who share your values. Not bullying people into adopting yours.

Yes, same! Twice!! 2 different relationships. Swore black and blue it was just friends “I’d never do that to you”, made me doubt my own sanity towards the end, only to find out my gut was correct and it was a full blown affair! I try not to judge other peoples situations by my own struggles but when it’s obvious it’s obvious really.

Who’s Sheila?

Yes, my thought. You send it during the working day, but still slightly weird, unless she’s feeling down or was upset and this cheered her up.

To send it late, when your colleague is in bed on a Friday night would get my spidery senses twitching as well. At the moment, it is just a friendly chit chat, but a think a conversation needs to be had about how inappropriate that is. How would he like it if you received friendly texts from the office hunk late at night?

So true.

Yes and he's allowed to say "well I don't agree and I don't feel okay with putting up that boundary with colleagues. I wouldn't say it to Mick, so I'm not going to say it to Sarah". And that's his right.

There are plenty of men who have a affairs with women they've met at work (and vice versa). Everyone I know who has cheated and left their partner/spouse for their affair partner met them at work.

Not all affairs are just opportunities for no strings sex. Sometimes they develop just as primary relationships develop.

Says who?

Probably because he comes with an angry, possessive wife?

Men aren’t as emotionally tuned as women. And they might be flattered by attention they assume is platonic as they are married. It creates a little gap where a shared look and looking forward to an email can lead to a wedge of intimacy. And the wife at home is moaning about the toilet seat or the lack of milk, and the phone is pinging with lashings of dopamine. Next time they see one another, fizzing of excitement and boom, affair.

I honestly think lots of men are susceptible to this sort of thing in the wrong moment. And your marriage would have been fine up
to that point.

yep she might think he’s single, because that happened to me once. Years ago, I developed feelings for a co worker. We got along so well, we were constantly texting and talking outside of work and he never mentioned his wife. I didn’t know she existed. He didn’t wear a ring and he didn’t behave like a married man should. He was buying me lunches and coffees. I thought he was into me and that he was single.

so yes, it is possible that this lady at work does not know that he is married.

She sure did it fast enough when this email dropped. Nor did she state anything like "I've been having suspicions recently so didn't feel I trusted what he was telling me."

Nope. It was, email comes in, he tells her what it was (she says he 'clearly' didn't want to - nor would I at stupid o'clock at night) and then she wants to see it. Seems like she doesn't trust him.

All of which makes me think this may not be her first rodeo. But whether this was the first time or part of a pattern of asking to see his emails, I would not be happy at this request.

Indeed it is, which would lead to a more serious conversation about how to proceed.

The thing is, though…it’s never Mick.

A person isnt just someone's spouse. They're also a human in many other aspects. I'm a midwife. I'm also a co-parent, mother, partner, daughter, sister, friend, colleague, aunt, godmother and mentor.

Occasionally it has been.

Those threads are always a gas.

It's true that Mick likely wouldn't openly tell another male about the positive impact they've had on him, but that's to do with guy stuff, toxic masculinity and gender roles.

I work in a field where this kind of text would happen regardless of gender, but my field is female dominated. However, I'd say right now we have more male midwives than ever before AND the doctors hang out with the midwives more than they used to, so yes, I have got a text from a male colleague after hours. He does have a girlfriend who also works in our hospital. I bet she's sent late night texts to her colleagues too.

To me it’s no different to seeing a woman draped all over your DH in a pub. You wouldn’t just stand back and watch her trying to sit on his knee and stroke his face. I wouldn’t think it was insane to say something.