To be uneasy about Dh and his very friendly coworker

[Booklover12345]

Late last night my DH got an email ping from a coworker which woke me up. We were in bed. I asked what it was at that time, he clearly didn’t want to tell me but said it was E and she was just saying thanks for a laugh during their coffee break that day. I asked to look and it said what a really great friend he is and how he makes her day and the job such fun and she loves being in his team and working on this new project together. I knew they got on well but I was uneasy that she sent this email. It sparked a big row, he got cross, said it’s all above board and platonic and it was a nice thing for her to send him. If it hadn’t woken me then I would never have known which worries me too.
AIBU to think it is not on for her to send this and for him to be ok with it. Or am I being unfair to her and jealous, as he says?

They always say ‘it’s perfectly fine, we are freinds, we are colleagues, we have each others back at work, blah blah’. The email or message is never from fat Colin in accounts though is it? It’s almost always from a, usually younger, often attractive woman. Funny that.

Exactly this OP ..
It is weird 🤷🏻‍♀️..
I love the way your husband gets annoyed at you !
wonder would he feel the same shoe on other foot !

How many times is this going to be posted?

I think this is perfect, and tells him that you're totally aware of what is going on, and that you won't tolerate it. The rest would then be up to him.

Good advice. Thank you.

Yes, apparently I’m in the wrong for kicking up a fuss, not her 🙄

Yes, @Booklover12345, I would use @WilfredsPies‘ above suggested phrasing. You will be stating the consequences your H will experience if he doesn’t close the window he has opened to this woman.

He is indeed playing with fire. His defense of her bedtime gushing [which is clearly non-platonic] and his devaluation of your feelings make it clear that they share an inappropriate dynamic. Put him on notice, @Booklover12345. You don’t have to tolerate his riding roughshod over your boundaries.

Nice bit of gaslighting from your husband op.

@WilfredsPies post is spot on. Sorry you’re in this position.

“ bedtime gushing” 🤣

Do not stand for that shit. Your feelings should trump his colleague any day of the week

Agree. This is your marriage not hers.

Have you shown him this thread op?

I wouldn’t bother showing him the thread , he won’t take it on board considering how he has reacted to OP already 🤷🏻‍♀️..
He’ll just think what else would us stupid women have to say for ourselves 🙄..
He’s getting an ego boost from this lady & men love their egos to be stroked ! !

I’m sure you are probably right about him. He doesn’t want to be told he’s out of line and won’t hear it. I just thought sometimes it can feel bolstering to have other people saying that - at the very least - there is more than one perspective.

It’s all about honesty. If he could admit that his colleague’s behaviour is a little strange then for me that would be the end of it. Especially if they can acknowledge they like the ego boost. What is worrying is when they compartmentalise the relationship and lie to themselves about intentions and appropriate boundaries.

I have no issue with a woman making a play for my H as long as my husband doesn’t defend her actions and make me feel bad for raising valid concerns about their behaviour.

Yeah , no , i agree with what you’re saying & generally that’s true , but given it’s all coming from women , and with what’s it’s in relation to , he won’t pay any heed I’m sure ..
Feckers of men ! ! 😂..

All jokes aside , I wouldn’t like it if I was OP ..

I must confess, this is exactly how my second marriage started, need I say more ? We are talking ancient history, pre texts and emails, but the same inappropriate advances, oh yes.

Yup you are right and I commend you for your honesty. I think we can all see what her advances are headed as clearly as one might see a horse sitting on the kitchen worktop. What’s been baffling are the minority who insist this is just how one should roll… it’s clear which side of a relationship they are sitting on irl.

Calliopespa, forget the elephant in the room, we are talking horses in the kitchen now, love it !

YANBU

I would not be comfortable or happy if it was my DH receiving that message

So let’s say the woman is innocent in this, has lots of male friends and does not cross lines, albeit being a little low on boundaries.

How does the OP know? How does she find out if people who are just mates act exactly the same as ones who are interested in the guy? Have you read these tests women have done with male friends and a ludicrously high percentage are up for a no strings shag?

Regarding this idea that good men can cheat in the right circumstances, good women can too. It’s a perfect storm of distance, flattery, opportunity. Generally happens with women who are juggling children and not paying much attention to their DH, and someone fills the void. Cynical, yes, but not inaccurate.

If almost all the people in your wider family have cheated or been the AP you might be similarly cynical. I do not trust many people absolutely with my DP, people are incredibly pleasure centred, selfish and self-serving these days. It’s not because he’s the bees knees but I have little faith in human beings to do the right thing in this morally grey society we live in, my least favourite opinion being that the AP owes you nothing. If they know they are married, especially with kids, they are scum.

WhThe couldn’t she have just emailed in work time, I wouldn’t be happy if my partner was getting emails from women etc outside of work. I’d put a stop to this right now before it turns into something.

Yes the elephant always seems a bit static and lumpen. I’m envisaging the horse kind of reclining. They are leggier so drape better.

How old-school is lumpen, I've only ever heard it used in the lumpen proletariat

Exactly. In many ways, it’s not the email per se, but the fact that she thought it would be appropriate to send such an email late at night, when everyone would be in bed. It tells you that she was thinking of him at this time, and that she has no boundaries.

This is your life OP. It is your right to tell him this is absolutely not okay and if he continues then he will be finding himself single and he can do whatever the fuck he wants then. In no world should he be putting another woman over his wife's feelings. How he is reacting is telling you what you need to know. He knows it isn't appropriate but wants to carry on and blames you for making a fuss. A hard line has to be drawn. You deserve better than to be gaslight by this small man.