To be uneasy about Dh and his very friendly coworker

[Booklover12345]

Late last night my DH got an email ping from a coworker which woke me up. We were in bed. I asked what it was at that time, he clearly didn’t want to tell me but said it was E and she was just saying thanks for a laugh during their coffee break that day. I asked to look and it said what a really great friend he is and how he makes her day and the job such fun and she loves being in his team and working on this new project together. I knew they got on well but I was uneasy that she sent this email. It sparked a big row, he got cross, said it’s all above board and platonic and it was a nice thing for her to send him. If it hadn’t woken me then I would never have known which worries me too.
AIBU to think it is not on for her to send this and for him to be ok with it. Or am I being unfair to her and jealous, as he says?

I agree its the start of an EA. Did he reply?

My husband works mostly with females and I had to get used to the friendly relationships that come with it. However, this email was more than platonic and probably a little unprofessional. The fact she sent it from a personal account at a later hour is suspicious as it’s clear she doesn’t want it on a work email record.

You see a text the same as someone dressed over your husband's knee? You really need help.

To be clear, I have male friends. I get messages about all sorts. TV recommendations, stuff to do with shared hobbies, just stuff.

But if one of them sent me a midnight message telling me how great I am, and how I make his day, that would be a line crossed and I’d think, “Oh fuck.”

He'll have told her how crap his marriage is, she'll have told him about how rubbish her relationship is .

They are at least having an 'emotional ' affair. People really do think that this is OK, because it's not physically cheating.

Sending an email late at night to a personal email address , with this kind of sentiment..I can't believe that wouldn't concern some people.

The DH version of platonic is probably that they haven't made it physical, but that is not a platonic message or behaviour.

And then you've got your wide-awake partner over your shoulder demanding to see the message.

Erk. I'd be shutting that 'friend' down too.

God you're really paranoid. You know it becomes abusive when someone is this threatened in a relationship by everyday interactions.

This is an excellent post.

It communicates "I'm thinking about you now."

At that time.of night, most people would be in bed and/or with their partners, so.it also communicates, "I'm in bed," or, "I'm thinking of you when I'm with my partner," which is far more intimate and not times when we are usually thinking of our colleagues. So it blurs the work/home boundary

Totally agree with this. There are some very naive people on this thread. I've been in the workplace for almost 40 years, and the stuff I've seen happen between colleagues would make your toes curl. This woman is after Op's man. She's thinking about him late at night on a Friday, so much so that she feels she needs to make contact at that late hour. Sure as eggs is eggs, she didn't send a similar message to Claire the admin clerk, or 70 year old Jerry who was also on the project.

my colleagues don’t even have my personal email. my best friend is a guy at work. his wife works with us. my husband knows him we message memes late at night. he’s 10 years younger than me and i definitely do not see him in that way.
i love his children and he has had a massive part in my kids lives growing up (we work in a school) men and women can just be mates

Delusional

"Everyday" isn't so late at night that you are already in bed. You are so naive.

I think you'd have to see men as more than an income and sperms bank to appreciate why a woman might want a friendship with one.

One night isnt every night. Really, get help. Learn that you are worthy and you won't be so scared and controlling. You'll have better relationships for it.

A text saying “Cheer for that mate 👍🏼” is absolutely fine. A gushing email late at night is basically a green light. Take it from someone who has been bitten on the arse by being the ‘cool wife’ on numerous occasions.

Are you married? Have you been for a long time without any incident?

You really are looking down on all of us with healthy boundaries, whether you mean to or not. Just because you are secure, not jealous and it’s worked for you doesn’t mean that everyone has to sing from your songbook.

Some men stumble into things, and walking away from your life partner as they stray off the track for a moment is not an option for some. Much better to try and ensure the straying does not happen in the first place.

The number of women who think like you, and never get burned, must be under 5%. It must be nice up there.

He might not have done anything wrong yet, and might never actually do so, but she definitely wants him. He needs to shut her down very quickly and you need to be very clear about this. Don’t be overly emotional , just matter of fact and then keep a very close eye on any suspicious behaviour.

This has overstepped professional boundaries. Remind your DH that she could use his replies against him at any point if they friendly replies as opposed to work replies. He is stupid to be allowing this person into his life.

Did you say you’re a midwife?

Does your misogyny hinder that at all?

Unpleasant thing to say.

OP has concerns, which the majority of the posters on the thread find legitimate and understandable.

The concerns may or may not be justified but it's not unreasonable to have them.

I’m starting to wonder if MOH is an MRA.

Certainly seems very angry at women.

It sounds like you've had alwaful experiences with men? Was your father a cheater?

Yes I've been in two long term relationships. Your boundaries aren't healthy, they are fear based control mechanisms to alleviate how threatened you feel when your partner bonds with anyone else. They won't stop you getting hurt because you are hurt by normal interactions that your partner has with other people. You'll experience that hurt more often, because even receiving a text makes you feel violated. So how could he even think about grabbing a drink, or sitting with them for lunch, when you can't handle the thought of a text?

Honestly I was with a very jealous and insecure man and I ended up just resenting his existence. He was burdensome and annoying and eventually, dangerous. Don't take his route. Get yourself some psychological help now.

How are his emails 'pinging'?

I’d just tell him ‘Well if you say it’s all above board, then I’ll just have to trust you won’t I? But let me tell you now, I’ll be watching you like a fucking hawk and if there’s a whiff of something inappropriate with this girl, that’s it, done, you find a new home and a new wife. Because if you think I’m some downtrodden wife that puts up with that sort of shit you are very mistaken. Oh, and don’t think I won’t contact her either. So just go careful, she could fuck up your entire life - marriage, work, family.

But like you said she’s just emailing your personal account late at night on a weekend because she’s very professional and grateful to be in your team. Ha! We have nothing to worry about then, do we?

Or maybe just a woman protesting too much because she's been faced with this situation and has chosen to take this line as self protection.