Partner has gone on an all dayer ‘Wetting the baby’s head’

[OverTheRainbow22]

My partner has been a new Dad before as he has a child from a previous relationship. He has been supportive through the pregnancy but also quite nonchalant in terms of any anxiousness I had about how life would change, says we will quickly adapt and it’s nothing to worry about and he’s been there and done it before.

He said it’s tradition in his friendship group to go out and wet the baby’s head. This was set for today as our baby is now more settled in and I’m finding my feet after a challenging first couple of weeks.

He said he was going to the pub for a gathering his best friend arranged but they actually got the train to another town nearby. He is not going to be back for another half hour or so, and went out early afternoon. Based on his messages, he is pretty slaughtered too.

I’m unimpressed to say the least given I was led to believe he’d be a couple of hours. Is this extreme by ‘wetting the baby’s head’ standards or should I let it go and ‘bank’ an outing for myself?

He doesn’t take the baby with him, it’s just an excuse for a piss up !!

I can’t work out what the problem is? Are you not allowed to go out drinking with your mates after a baby?

Exactly. Unless OP is now going to tell us he does this every week. As a one off I think it’s fine

Your oh obviously has a group of friends who he enjoys going out drinking with. Wetting the baby's head is just an excuse. You don't like him doing that and that's understable.

It is obviously not healthy or attractive to you for partner to go out drinking all day but he is entitled to go out, as are you. Go get that spa day booked !

Decent men don’t go and get wankered all day when their partner and newborn are at home 2 weeks after birth. They just don’t. I’m sorry for what influences in life you have had to make you believe this is an acceptable standard.

Totally unnecessary and dickish behaviour. My ex did this. On the back of your thread I had a chat with my partner about this and his response was "what an absolute dick. Well done you managed to pass on your genetic material, bumble about on the sidelines for 9 months while your partner created life then disappear to get wankered when you're needed? Jesus.". (Updated with full comments)

some men think this is ok. Hopefully it's not indicative of who he is otherwise.

Decent men/dads don’t get so drunk that they puke on the doorstep and leave it for the health visitor to step over. Bet he also thought it was woman’s work to clear it up.

Bet there aren’t many mums who leave a present like that for a health visitor

Wouldn't bother me at all.

You've chosen the wrong person to breed with.

I disagree with you on day time drinking. You get the usual socialisation but an early night. Brunch is too early for me but mid afternoon meet up and home by 8 is great.

Gosh I haven’t heard that expression since the 80s and then it was said by elderly people.

it’s not great OP - if he wants a pass to go on a bender he should call it what it is.

Make sure he does his share from now on, and you get a spa day in the next couple weeks.

Nowhere in the “parenting manual” does it say that when you become a parent your social life stops, you aren’t allowed to have fun or meet up with friends and have a drink!

i love a night out with friends just because I’m a parent doesn’t mean I have to stay at home every day and night.

Some women expect so heartbreakingly little from life.

No be need to minimise getting plastered for 12 hours while your upset partner is at home with your 2 week old newborn as ‘socialising’.

Sounds like something a shitty man would come up with.

Ew. And I said everything with that.

Maybe I'm just dead rough and Northern but I don't see an issue with this as a one-off. It's still a tradition in many places (and actual lol at the pp who thought they took the baby with them and poured booze on their head!)

It needs to be seen as part of a bigger picture though. If the DH is home and an active, hands-on, loving and supportive parent the rest of the time then in my view a day out in the pub is fine. I'd have got my mates round while DH was out; had a lazy day with coffee and cake etc. Would have quite enjoyed it on the proviso he looks after himself when he gets home and is up ready to function the following morning.

But if this is part of a bigger picture of binge drinking and being a shit and absent dad, then that's a very different thing and needs to be tackled, now.

Why hadn't he cleared it up?

Your standards are very different to anyone else's I know

Yeah my ex went out and continued to do so every weekend. Hence the ex. I do not know how people go on all day benders I’d be asleep by 3. I’d never be with a drinker again ever. I like a couple of drinks but could not tolerate someone coming in pissed from all day drinking baby or not.

Expectations about this kind of thing vary hugely across communities, so I'm not sure how helpful MN can be. OP, only you know how far outside of acceptable behaviour this is, but it certainly wasn't in yours or the baby's interests. Maybe after a few he lost the resolve to say no to more (not great) but at least he kept in touch.

The comment about him seeming to think life wouldn't change much would possibly worry me more. I'd unpick that with him. It could be that he previously had an easy baby and was a natural at parenting who took it all in his stride or, more likely, had a partner who did everything to make sure his life wasn't disrupted.

Ok Hyacinth 😂

Surely this tradition goes back to when Dads weren't present at the birth and weren't expected to be around to 'help' in the first days because there'd have been mothers, sisters, aunties, female neighbours etc around to get the new mum and baby settled. So the new Dad would be at a loose end and going out with his mates would be acceptable because everyone else was too busy to mind and didn't want a clueless man hanging around. That's not how things work now and couples tend to navigate their new life together. Fine to go out for a drink a couple of weeks in as long as you're happy about it. But a long session is taking the piss big time - as others have said, make sure you get the same when you want it. And make sure he's pulling his weight - after all, if he's done it all before, he's surely the expert?

I would do this.

The first time DH went back to his sports hobby/club after ds was born a few of the older guys said about wetting the baby's head, he messaged me and asked if I'd prefer him to come straight home, I was fine with DS so said go ahead, he went to the pub they had one pint toasted the arrival of the baby and me being well and he came home after that pint.

He's just gone and got smashed and lied about that being his plan. I know there are some instances where marriages with children don't work out through no fault of either party, but I think a man who doesn't live with his first child/children is often a red flag.

So what do you have planned with your friends for when you wet the baby's head?

You poor thing.