Partner has gone on an all dayer ‘Wetting the baby’s head’

[OverTheRainbow22]

My partner has been a new Dad before as he has a child from a previous relationship. He has been supportive through the pregnancy but also quite nonchalant in terms of any anxiousness I had about how life would change, says we will quickly adapt and it’s nothing to worry about and he’s been there and done it before.

He said it’s tradition in his friendship group to go out and wet the baby’s head. This was set for today as our baby is now more settled in and I’m finding my feet after a challenging first couple of weeks.

He said he was going to the pub for a gathering his best friend arranged but they actually got the train to another town nearby. He is not going to be back for another half hour or so, and went out early afternoon. Based on his messages, he is pretty slaughtered too.

I’m unimpressed to say the least given I was led to believe he’d be a couple of hours. Is this extreme by ‘wetting the baby’s head’ standards or should I let it go and ‘bank’ an outing for myself?

He’s having a night out, to celebrate having a baby. You’re fine and baby is fine and yes he’ll probably be hungover but get your revenge and plan a whole day out whilst he looks after the baby.
I don’t think it’s that awful if I’m honest!

Firstly, congratulations on the birth of your child!

Itisn't great that he has gone out and got shit-faced when you are still recovering from the birth and adjusting...... Especially as it sounds like he wasn't clear with you about the arrangements and how long he was likely to be away.

But I don't think, if this is a one off, it makes him a completely evil shit.....

I guess it's been stressful for him too (not in the same way as for you - he hasn't given birth - but nonetheless he is also adjusting to having a newborn) and he is letting off steam? He may not have planned to get as pissed as he did - when I used to drink I remember that happening to me sometimes, especially if I hadn't been drinking for a while.....

Do you have concerns about his drinking generally? Binge drinking isn't the best look - we all know this - and in a perfect world nobody would do it - but as long as he only does it very rarely, and he isn't a nasty or abusive drunk, I think it's forgivable.......

Definitely you need to get a day to spend with your friends (however you want to) as soon as you feel ready - how soon that will be might depend on how you are feeding the baby, but even if it's not for a while, it will be something to look forward to.

As long as he accepts this and is happy to look after.baby while you get a break, I reckon it's annoying but ultimately not worth rowing over.

It’s not a night out, he’s spent the day on the piss.

To me it doesn’t matter when it is. If my DH said a few hours, I’d know once he was out having drinks he would be a while! She just needs to get her revenge and do the same and also make him help out as usual tomorrow.

Oh God this (to me) is such a non issue!
My dds dad got absolutely slaughtered wetting the baby’s head, puked on the doorstep and the health visitor the next day had to step over it!
He is still an amazing dad!

🙄

Sorry, I never explained it well. I meant I was pissed off at him staying out because being a FTM, I didn’t think I could handle being alone with the baby all afternoon and night.

But this assumes that a. She wants to be away from her newborn baby for a whole day. And b. That this is even practically possible/ not a complete pita if she’s breastfeeding, particularly as it sounds like early days still and she may still be trying to establish feeding.
it also ignores that he’s just fucked off and not discussed it. Maybe if it was planned and communicated better she could’ve got her mum or a friend or someone to pop in for a bit of moral support.

I wouldn't have been at all happy about this. How dare he leave all the child care to you and behave like a carefree teenager. Surely he's working too, so this weekend day is a rare chance to help you and actually see his newborn?
I'm willing to bet the type of man who thinks this is acceptable is the type who thinks you should do all the night wakes, sees changing a nappy as a big favour to you and thinks you are the default parent, whilst he comes and goes as he pleases.
Don't stand for this. Right now at the beginning is the time to set the groundwork- all his non working hours, baby care and housework are shared equally.

I hope you are joking.

Sounds like he still likes to go out and have a few. As he says, he's done it all before and presumably learnt from his mistakes.

He can't be passed round a baby. And then fucking useless tomorrow.

He should have stayed in with you. Watched telly. Not waited til you felt better and could be left so he could go on the piss. Make sure you set the same money aside for you.

This tradition is dumb and just an excuse to get drunk.

It really depends on your partner's background. It is a "thing". The people I know most likely to do it actually do it in the first couple of days so the fact it's been scheduled like this is a sign of assimilation in my eyes.

Weird and dangerous? In what way

Gah I can’t believe this is an excuse. Of course he had every confidence you’d be fine- you were a mum who just grew a baby and gave birth to it. Many men think women can look after their babies whether sick or well, exhausted or recovering from surgery, and do it 24/7. They don’t have to WORRY about them or support them or be there or take responsibility because new mothers aren’t real people. I’m sorry if you had one of those, but it’s not an excuse that it didn’t cross his mind to consider you.

Yep, this was a tradition 50 plus years ago. New Mum and baby would be in hospital for up to 10 days. New Dad would go out for a couple of drinks with family on both sides and good friends to celebrate the safe arrival.

It is now used as an excuse for some men to go out and get rat arsed.

I’ve heard of wetting the baby’s head. But I think it’s a very outdated old fashion tradition that give men an excuse to get absolutely shit faced whilst the mother stays at home like a good old fashioned 1950s housewife. It reeks of misogyny. Can you imagine if a woman did this? If the relationship is otherwise fine I would organise a night out for yourself and do exactly what he’s done tonight.

Grim.

Sounds like he cared more about going out and pissed rather than how you were coping with the baby.

Have you misunderstood? the baby doesn’t go out with them, it’s just an excuse for men to go out and get pissed. Good lord at least I hope the baby’s not out with him!

I think she thought he'd taken the baby with him while he got pissed and was literally pouring beer on its head!

What the fuck

No need for this nowadays. Men hopefully dont spend every night in the pub as was common practice years ago. It's not an acceptable norm as in the past.

Your baby has just entered the world why would he want to leave it and you for such a stupid reason? Hes not even in a pub nearby.
Its as if he needs to celebrate and take congratulations for having sex nine months ago.

Yes of course he's proud of your baby and wants to celebrate the arrival but how does that involve going out alone and getting so drunk he's not present for said baby. Really how?

Surely you celebrate together and not in a pissed up out on the town manner.
Or do both of you go out and get so drunk you are useless for the baby .
Obviously not so why should he?

Successful birth was not guaranteed in the past. I think perhaps there was congratulations in order for a safe addition to the family? For the mother and father. In different ways though. The woman was probably congratulated by her female friends and family whilst the towelling nappies were dealt with and constantly piling up. No washing machines.

The mother would have a hospital stay or a lying in period at home. Helped by other women who supported her. The women most likely looking after the new mother's other children and cooking cleaning etc. Men were provided with their dinner and clean clothes and house.
It would have been unusual for him to know or be expected to know how to cook. Exceptions existed.

The men were separate to all the mysteries of babies and a post partum woman. A couple of pints/ many pints purchased by his friends were appreciated by him as it saved him paying. Even a very drunken night/day was doing no harm to his wife because he wasn't expecting or expected to look after the baby or mother.

The days when women shrugged their shoulders and had no expectations from men are long gone.

Please OP remember and take note that we are living in our modern era and the roles are different now. This tradition has lost its meaning.
As mentioned by others it's an excuse for a right royal piss up. Don't accept it again. It's too late now he's gone.

What a wonderful,caring ,hands on partner you have. I love men who go above and beyond making sure their partner and newborn (any age) children are fully supported and their needs come first and foremost. You my love from this behaviour have a twat of the highest order on your hands. He is selfish and has no respect for you or our newborn.Shocking behaviour, really it is.

You know not everyone feels slighted and abandoned by something like this. You're speaking as if because you'd be left feeling like you can't cope, everyone would, and everyone requires the constant presence and support of their partner after a baby. With all the love in the world, it really isnt that kind of deal for a lot of us. We don't need our men gazing at us adoringly and rushing to make sure we don't dare walk a few steps after our "horrific ordeal".

It seems like you really need a lot of support and help to care for yourself and your baby properly after birth. Not all of us need that, or want it, so we aren't as aggrieved by an evening (or night) out as you are. We know that our partners will play the role we expect them to, as that's why we are together. We aren't in relationships where we are unsure if the guy will show up for us.

It seems like women nowadays are completely dependent on the presence of a man to feel confident and safe enough to look after a baby. Either that or they are so resentful of being the pregnant party, the breastfeeding one, that they want their partners to feel equally as restricted by parenthood as they are, in exactly the same ways. And if they don't submit to that, then they must not care.

If you didn't want to be the mother of a baby, you shouldn't have had one. Adopt an older kid that you don't have to conceive, gestate and nourish.

One night out to wet the baby's head wouldn't bother you if you were competent, rational, and reasonable as a mother and partner.