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Original poster

Party pooper - How to respond?

455 replies

Secondchoice2 · 17/05/2025 19:33

My son has ASD and struggles to make friends. He is a cheerful 10 year old and is nice to everyone but rarely clicks with people. He has two good friends and I am grateful for that. I have been planning a small birthday party for him for months. He needed 8 guests to run the activity.

I planned it with the mum of one of his two good friends. Let’s call her Cowbag. She has helped me plan, understands the difficulty I have in getting people to attend and I even changed the activity to something her daughter would like. One week to go before the party and she has now withdrawn her acceptance of the invite saying that she accidentally double booked. she sent this by text. My son is devastated.

However, I have now found out that Cowbag’s daughter is now going to the party of another girl on the same day. This girl only gave out invites two days ago.

I spend a lot of time with this woman and I do not know how to respond. I am so upset.

OP posts:
MerryPortas · 17/05/2025 19:34

You have my sympathies and no real advice, but I loved your use of nickname for her

accentdusoleil · 17/05/2025 19:37

That’s so sad and annoying. Could you offer to take her son to the party ?

McCartneyOnTheHeath · 17/05/2025 19:37

It's not a nice thing to do, but maybe her daughter is better friends with the other girl? Maybe she'd just prefer to go to that party? Try not to take it personally.

Fred22ER · 17/05/2025 19:38

Oh no, that is nasty of her. And so weasley to do it by text!!

I would have to ask "how did you double-book when invites to the party mini-Cowbag is going to were only given out 2 days ago?"

Whyx · 17/05/2025 19:43

McCartneyOnTheHeath · 17/05/2025 19:37

It's not a nice thing to do, but maybe her daughter is better friends with the other girl? Maybe she'd just prefer to go to that party? Try not to take it personally.

I understand this, but I do feel kids need to be reminded that if you accept an invite for someone else first you should really stick to that. Yes, they're kids but if adults shouldn't behave that way, then we should maybe introduce kids to this etiquette at some point too.

MonteStory · 17/05/2025 19:44

I’d be completely frank. You know exactly what’s going on and why.

Hi cowbag thanks for letting me know. I can understand DD preferring x’s party. I’ll know in future not to assume you’re actually coming if you say you are.

Can you still run the party with 7? But you’ll probably have to pay for 8 in which case I’d ask cowbag for the money. She won’t give it but I would just need to make that point.

JMSA · 17/05/2025 19:47

Gah. She has obviously allowed her daughter to choose which party she’d rather go to, rather than do the adult thing of turning down the second party on her behalf!
Sorry OP, it sucks ☹️

PinkyFlamingo · 17/05/2025 19:47

McCartneyOnTheHeath · 17/05/2025 19:37

It's not a nice thing to do, but maybe her daughter is better friends with the other girl? Maybe she'd just prefer to go to that party? Try not to take it personally.

Of course she's going to take it personally, what a stupid thing to say! She had already accepted OPs invite and now binned that of for someone else, exactly how are you meant to "not take it personally". It's awful!

WitcheryDivine · 17/05/2025 19:50

I would also be honest, along the lines of: “Thanks for letting me know. I’m disappointed to hear that, especially as I know you realise this will probably mean cancelling DS’s birthday.”

And then just leave her with that, it’s poor behaviour on her part.

Having said all that I do think you got yourself into this by coming up with an activity that requires more guests (quite a lot more) than your son has friends. Now he’s getting toward secondary age you’ll be much better off doing something cooler but pricier for 2 or 3 invited pals who will be keen to come, than putting him in a popularity contest you know he won’t win. He sounds absolutely lovely and he’ll find his people but there might be a select band of them.

Evaka · 17/05/2025 19:51

What an absolute wanker. I hope karma kicks her up the arse. Also hope you can still pay for the eighth person and do the activity with seven.

GooseClues · 17/05/2025 19:52

Fred22ER · 17/05/2025 19:38

Oh no, that is nasty of her. And so weasley to do it by text!!

I would have to ask "how did you double-book when invites to the party mini-Cowbag is going to were only given out 2 days ago?"

To be fair, my daughter’s BFF this year sent out invites a week before her party but we’ve known the date for a month. Not saying that’s what happened here but if the daughter is good friends with the birthday girl it is possible she had already agreed to go to that party although officials invited hadn’t been sent yet.

BakelikeBertha · 17/05/2025 19:53

I'm afraid I would call her out on it OP. What a nasty thing to do. I'd message her, or even call her, in your shoes, and tell her that you know that her daughter is now going to another party, for which invites weren't even issued until 2 days ago, so she hasn't double booked, she's let you down, and you are really hurt and upset by it. If she says 'Well you know what kids are like, DD said she really wanted to go to this other girl's party, and I couldn't talk her out of it', then say, 'Surely it's your job to teach her that if you accept an invitation, you don't drop the first person, just because something else you like better comes along?' Then if speaking in person, just leave a long silence, which she will feel obliged to fill with some more excuses. Make the 'Cowbag' grovel, it's what she deserves!

I do hope your DS enjoys his birthday celebrations OP.

CurlewKate · 17/05/2025 19:53

Is it possible that the daughter was steamrollered into going to her brother’a friend’s party and put her foot down? Can the activity still be done with 7?

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 17/05/2025 19:57

Cowbag is right. No advice except she's a dick. My love to ds, I was the same at 10 xx

WokeMarxistPope · 17/05/2025 19:57

CurlewKate · 17/05/2025 19:53

Is it possible that the daughter was steamrollered into going to her brother’a friend’s party and put her foot down? Can the activity still be done with 7?

Who’s the brother? From the OP it seems the girl is OP’s son’s friend

Original poster
Secondchoice2 · 17/05/2025 20:05

MonteStory · 17/05/2025 19:44

I’d be completely frank. You know exactly what’s going on and why.

Hi cowbag thanks for letting me know. I can understand DD preferring x’s party. I’ll know in future not to assume you’re actually coming if you say you are.

Can you still run the party with 7? But you’ll probably have to pay for 8 in which case I’d ask cowbag for the money. She won’t give it but I would just need to make that point.

No I cannot run it with 7. I need two teams of four minimum. I am desperately trying to find another child whose parents will not mind such a late invite and will actually come.

OP posts:
Original poster
Secondchoice2 · 17/05/2025 20:08

CurlewKate · 17/05/2025 19:53

Is it possible that the daughter was steamrollered into going to her brother’a friend’s party and put her foot down? Can the activity still be done with 7?

There are no brothers involved. Cowbags daughter is my son’s friend. She is going to another girls party.

OP posts:
ThejoyofNC · 17/05/2025 20:11

I agree with others, you need to be frank.

I can't actually believe you'd cancel so last minute for a better offer. You know how hard things are and that I'll now have to cancel his party. I really thought better of you than to do this and I'm so disappointed.

londongirl12 · 17/05/2025 20:11

Does any of his friends have a brother that could come, even if slightly younger?

Screamingabdabz · 17/05/2025 20:11

I feel for you and your son op, I do. But I can also imagine the conversation and dilemma in the other household when Cowbag’s dd received the other invitation. Friendships between girls are so crucial and classroom-significant at that age. Not saying it’s right, I’m just giving a possible scenario where the other mother might be potentially fretting and protecting her child’s interests too.

Callie247 · 17/05/2025 20:12

Secondchoice2 · 17/05/2025 20:08

There are no brothers involved. Cowbags daughter is my son’s friend. She is going to another girls party.

Show quote history

Just ask her if her daughter is looking forward to the other child’s party, then enjoy watching her squirm when she realises you know.

WildAndFree123 · 17/05/2025 20:12

I’m so sorry, this is a terrible thing for her to have done. Does she really understand it will prevent them from doing the activity at all? I would definitely let her know you’re aware the new invitation came 2 days ago.

Does one of the other guests have a sibling who may be able to come?

Original poster
Secondchoice2 · 17/05/2025 20:14

londongirl12 · 17/05/2025 20:11

Does any of his friends have a brother that could come, even if slightly younger?

Unfortunately, the minimum age for the activity is nine. I may have to rope in my 15 year old nephew. It will look odd but he will do it because he is a nice lad.

OP posts:
Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 17/05/2025 20:16

Secondchoice2 · 17/05/2025 20:14

Unfortunately, the minimum age for the activity is nine. I may have to rope in my 15 year old nephew. It will look odd but he will do it because he is a nice lad.

Show quote history

It needn’t look odd, just say that he’s helping.

Blueberry911 · 17/05/2025 20:16

I even changed the activity to something her daughter would like

Well, that's on you

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