Party pooper - How to respond?

[Secondchoice2]

My son has ASD and struggles to make friends. He is a cheerful 10 year old and is nice to everyone but rarely clicks with people. He has two good friends and I am grateful for that. I have been planning a small birthday party for him for months. He needed 8 guests to run the activity.

I planned it with the mum of one of his two good friends. Let’s call her Cowbag. She has helped me plan, understands the difficulty I have in getting people to attend and I even changed the activity to something her daughter would like. One week to go before the party and she has now withdrawn her acceptance of the invite saying that she accidentally double booked. she sent this by text. My son is devastated.

However, I have now found out that Cowbag’s daughter is now going to the party of another girl on the same day. This girl only gave out invites two days ago.

I spend a lot of time with this woman and I do not know how to respond. I am so upset.

I think that's a good idea, to save the girl a party bag. It will also shame Cowbag.

I like this response and it is what I would like to say if I was in this situation but you are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

On the one hand she deserves to be called out, but on the other hand she is the mother of one of your DS’s few friends and your DS cannot afford for you to fall out with this lady.

Such a shitty situation for you. I’m so sorry.

Me and dh joined in one of our dc lazer tag and paintball parties to make up numbers. It's great fun. We had a team each.

Hi there, I went through a lot of things like this years ago with my DS, who is ND and as an adult now has more friends than I have ever had. Just popped in to say if your nephew can come it might all just work out really well - the younger ones will probably love having a teenager there.

You’ve made me remember a really great afternoon years ago when I was asked in a similar situation to make up the numbers at laser whatever it was, as the only mum who was thought to be up for it. It was great, and the kids quite liked having someone who got the least points (not on purpose, I actually tried quite hard),

Find someone else to sub in, go, and have a great time. And as they say, Cowbag has shown you who she is.

Aren’t you a peach.

Thank you. You have cheered me up a lot.

Or is the daughter just lying to ease her conscience?

I understand that you are sad and frustrated. I would be too. Her actions are not nice, and cancel by text is cowardly - it would have been much kinder to say it to your face. We all want to make our children happy, and perhaps her daughter had her pestered to go to the little girl's party. Children can be relentless and no doubt mom is feeling guilty about cancelling on you. Be gracious about it, tell her it is ok.. it is really the best you can do and you won't have any regrets. You know now that she isn't the person you thought she was. See if the organiser of the event can accept a smaller number. Stay strong. Have a brilliant party and enjoy seeing your son happy.🙂

I would be very surprised. Anything is possible I suppose.

Mini cowbag, how appropriate, love it 😅

That's terrible form OP , I feel so angry for you & for your ds. What a nasty thing to do to any child but particularly in this situation when your dc is only comfortable around a few friends. I imagine that the dc is giving cowbag an earful about how she wants to go to the other party because it's a girl etc. Girls are so much bitchier in general . She may feel that she'll be less popular with the other girls if she doesn't go. It's so unfortunate that the parties are the same day. Who gives out invites two days before a party? That seems strange in itself..

It is not two days before the party. The parties are both next Saturday.

First, I think the tone of this needs to come down. "Devastated" is too strong a word for somebody's change of plans re a kid's birthday party.

I think you shouldn't have made plans that require eight kids, when there aren't many spare replacement kids available. That's too much on the edge, where any kid not attending blows it up. In the future, I suggest simpler, less anxiety-producing plans.

Second, I would not scold the other mother. It won't change anything and is likely to create drama, leaving you even more upset. Probably wiser to just accept what she's shown you, that she isn't as good a friend as you thought. I'd continue to be polite when you see her, but don't rely on her or consider her a close ally anymore.

Friendships based on kids playing together tend to be short-lived anyway and your kids are getting at the end of the age where the parents are closely involved in their interactions with each other.

Aside from the etiquette breach, it seems the other mother is also anxious about her child's connections. So much so that she'd disregard your son for the chance to get her own kid in with the other girls better. So maybe both mothers would do better to relax a little more.

Good luck. I hope your son enjoys his birthday. :)

Love the
mini-cowbag reference

This is awful, I’m so sorry for you and your son.
I hope your nephew is able to step in, the younger boys will probably love having an older teen hang out with them anyway!

I know the “right” thing to do, as a post above said, is preserve your son’s friendship with this girl. But I’d be so angry and hurt I don’t think I’d be able to not say anything to the cowbag.
I’m not sure whether I’d mention the other party or not, but I would say how hurtful it is that she’s double booked but chosen to go with the other option, given that you changed the activity to suit her daughter and given that she knows losing one means the activity can’t go ahead.

When you see her, it’s fine to say something like “I don’t want to make a scene in front of our kids but I don’t feel able to talk to you yet, I’m still hurt about the party.” So don’t worry about bumping into her.

Thank you. That is a very measured response, when I am feeling so vengeful.

Cowbag is a good name for her and she and her daughter have clearly shown their true colours but

you know I think it would be great if your nephew could make the party, don’t kids your dcs age love it when older kids want to join in with what they do.

Failing that why don’t you play the laser game. I loved paintballing myself….seems I’m a bit of a ninja ( maybe I missed my calling there 🤣)

Thank you. You have cheered me up.

Looking at my 9 year old now and thinking how a decision I make would make a load of nasty women come together and call her names. Funny bit is most of you think you have a moral high ground agreeing with the op.

No one has called her names. She is a sweet girl with a cowbag mum.

I'd probably be very frank in my reply.

Something along the lines of "I'd prefer you didn't lie to me. I know mini cowbag is going to missy's party. You know how much DS enjoys hanging out with mini cowbag and how important it was to have 8 people attend his party. You've really left me in the lurch by pulling out last minute "

Honestly being vengeful will affect your DS more than anyone else, this is one of those cases imo it's worth taking a measured approach on your feelings for his sake. Her DD has said to DS she wanted to go to his party right, so at least he's hopefully not viewing it as friendship ending or whatever.

@Secondchoice2 there you go.

This is an anonymous forum
Unless……..

DON'T say anything OP. People don't normally like being embarrassed. The mum either knows she's a cow and doesn't care, or she won't appreciate being called out and will push you away for doing that.

Like I said anonymous. 🤣🤣